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78. Rows in Love



The following is inspired by Camy and the replies in his blog entry "Rowing not rowing."

Quote Kapitano (from Camy's blog):

I suspect the couples who don't occasionally tell each other to go fuck themselves are the ones who secretly plan to kill each other.

I think the expectation of discord in a relationship is one of the major causes of those tensions.

Having an idea of what concerns you about the habits of a someone you like, should most likely be weighed against your own needs to control the other person.

If at least one of the two people in a relationship hasn't got over the TV sitcom idea of controlling the other person then arguments are bound to occur.

The idea of creating a perfect partner after having failed to find Mr (or Ms) Right, is never really going to lead to a harmonious relationship.

Helping someone to be who they want to be, even allowing them to just be themselves, is a tricky business.

Making the someone into whom you want them to be is fraught with impending action of disaster.

So how can we avoid arguments, resentment, disappointments, plots to kill each other etc. in our relationships?

The answers are as numerous as there are couples trying to find the 'Happy Ever After.'

Too many of us worry about stupid things like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle or the end of the tube . Whilst in confrontation mode, neither party is going to find the obvious solution of each person having their own tube of toothpaste. This principle can go a long way to solving the minor stupid annoyances of no real consequence.

Finally however there comes a time to realise that you don't care about the other guy's imperfections; indeed you may find they are what makes him special to you.

The Hippie Guide to Love says, you should set up rows of suitors to have as wide a range of lovers as is possible.

It also says,

If you find someone to love, set them free, if they come back to you, they love you too.

What this means is, that if you love someone, you seek to liberate them; set them free from what ever confines them, and never attempt to imprison them in your own ideal world. Indeed such a prison has two inmates; both of you. If either of you attempt to be the prison guard as well, resentment will follow. Both must escape this prison and decide to be together, each of their own free will.

When both partners know that they are free to be themselves, arguments tend to be discussions on what is best for either or both of them, rather than just being selfish assertion of a rule or concept of what is 'right.' This is not a compromise however. It is a somewhat, simple, (sometimes difficult) sacrifice made, for the one you love.

But before you can love another, you must learn to love yourself. Self-loathing is not really a satisfactory basis for loving another person.

Once you have come to love yourself, you are then able to sacrifice your self-love, by offering love to another.

It is here that the core of argument ferments, if for any one moment, the offering or substantiation of love is perceived as rejected or ignored.

It is necessary to trust that love exists at these moments, that love has matured beyond selfish ambition, that owning each other is not a worthy relationship. That the arguments, the ambitions, the expectations even, are sacrificed because loving each other freely is our unconditional vow.

Then we may become aware we are wondrously, humans, being in love. :wink:

Sometimes we may express our affection by telling the object of our love to "Go Fuck yourself!"



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as usual, you hit the nail on the head Des.Why is it that we try and change the person we supposedly love into something so far removed from what they were when we first met them?I agree that for a relationship to truly work, we must allow our partners the freedom to grow and change just as we would like the chance as well.Because if we stayed the same, no one would be in a long term relationship, we would probably all kill each other.Very thought provoking Des...JasonPS: I did not read this blog entry until after I wrote my latest blog entry. I swear.

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Thanks Jason.Relationships are difficult to define as nearly all of them have many different facets.The old idea of two lovers being unified as a single entity was questioned during the 60s and it became popular to think of lovers as two trees growing alongside each other, with their branches and roots becoming entangled in a loving embrace that lasted for as long as they lived.In this way they would help protect each other from the storms of life; they would nurture each other when feeling unwell; encourage each other to be whatever they could, and together would raise their young saplings, whether of their bodies, minds or spirits, under the shelter of their branching canopies. Many Hippies did indeed compose such vows of love to recite to each other, under trees in parks and forests, while they wore garlands of flowers, seeking only the blessings of their friends and families.And all you need is Love. :icon5:

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What fascinates me about this discussion is that it can be equally applied to the love between lifelong best friends, gay or straight.

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You are correct Trab, I was trying to be Universal in my descriptions ala Hippie sensitivities. Hippies did not see the necessity to distinguish relationships between genders or even amongst differing, ages (of consent), races, creeds, etc., Indeed Hippies believed that everyone should have an opportunity to express their love for everyone else. Sex whilst being optional was also perceived as a valid and desirable expression of that love. :icon5: (Please remember I am referring to the true love-peace-flower power, Hippie era which was later to be corrupted by drugs, devastated by HIV, and demoralised by Capitalist motivations.)

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I guess maybe I have a hippie idea of love too, then. I don't see any boundaries stipulated by 'society' as being worthy of any consideration whatsoever.

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