So here am I, aging by the second and running around trying to find some semblance of reason to the bizarre conditions of warranties.
My new all singing, all dancing, all annoying mobile phone has stopped working after 6 months. The screen is plain white and the battery won't accept a recharge. I rang the Telephone company, -on the land line phone, as the mobile was busted. Did you really think I rang on the mobile which is broken? Of course you didn't. A voice answered,
"In a few words," she says," Please tell me the purpose of your call."
"WTF is this? oh, okay, I get it...My phone is busted."
"I'm sorry," apologizes the voice, "I didn't understand you. In a few words please state the nature of your call."
"My mobile phone isn't working."
"Your phone isn't working. Does that sound right to you?"
"yes!" I want to add an expletive or two but refrain.
"Please tell me the nature of your problem."
"The friggin phone ain't able to take a friggin charge."
"Your account has been over-charged? Is that correct."
"Please press the hash key."
I press every key several times.
"Okay, I am not able to ascertain your query, please hold while I connect to a service consultant."
"Your call is important to us and has been placed in a queue." announces a recorded voice. "We are experiencing an unusually large number of calls at the moment. You may wait in the queue or press 2 and leave your phone number and we will phone you back tomorrow."
"Yeah right. Do I look stupid? I'll wait."
Musical interlude, interrupted by a commercial trying to sell me a new phone. I ignore the offer to go to 'sales' by pressing 3.
"Hello my name is Sam, how may I make you day perfect?"
I burst out laughing.
"Hello, hello...Can I help you?"
"Yes you can. Firstly tell the boss to get a new script writer, secondly shoot the auto-voice system, it doesn't work."
"Yes, we have a lot of trouble with that," says Sam.
"And thirdly," I tell him, "I want my mobile phone repaired. It is under warranty."
Certainly Sir, when was the phone purchased, what is the telephone number, which country are you in, and what seems to be wrong with the unit?"
"The unit? Oh, you mean the phone."
I supply the details he requires as quickly as I can, the sun is setting.
After several minutes of music and commercials, Sam (he sounds really cute) returns and tells me that I have a a valid claim and he will escalate my case to the senior technician who will send me details on how to get my phone repaired. In the meantime if I want to use the phone service I should buy a cheap phone and put the SIM card into it. I thank Sam and before I can invite him home for a midnight tryst, he bids me farewell and hangs-up.
The next day I buy the suggested cheap ? $60 phone, transfer the SIM card and voila, I am connected again to the mobile phone world.
Four days later, the Senior Technician sends me a return for service form, which I must sign. In it, is a clause that says I agree to being charged a minimum of $100 if they fix the phone because it is not broken under warranty. No. I check with a lawyer friend. Don't sign it he advises.
"I have no intention of signing it," I tell him.
"Wait until Monday and take it direct to the manufacturer's service department." So I will do that.
In the meantime, the laser printer is reporting a paper jam, but there is no paper jammed in it. It's under warranty. I check their website which is like trying to find your way around a brothel in the dark. You can tell someone is being badly screwed, you're just hoping it isn't you.
Finally I find a local phone number to call.
"If your enquiry is to do with a scanner please press 2,
If your enquiry is to do with a printer please press 3,
If your enquiry is to do with something else we make, please press another number..."
And so on...Finally a girl informs me she will email me with the time for the printer to be serviced...
The printer serviceman is coming Monday. They will charge me $104.50 per hour from the time he leaves their premises until the time he returns if he finds the paper jam is due to a paper jam, as that is not covered under the warranty.
Where is the Consumer Affairs phone number. Ah there it is.
"Hello, you have rung consumer affairs. If your enquiry is about..."
I hang up.