aj
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Posts posted by aj
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Writing longhand is a pain. I've never written anything of any length while writing with a pen or pencil, because of the physical limitations of that method - the aching wrists, etc. The one thing I miss about writing with a pen, oddly, is the smell of the ink. I can remember sitting in my dorm room in college, hunched over some thesis paper, and smelling the ink from my ballpoint. Other than that, I can think of no good reason to write longhand. If you need more time with the text, you can do that onscreen as well as you can on paper.
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aj
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I believe it DOES meet the definition of a short story but that's irrelevant. I must pick at that nit, though.
But, as to your second point: everything I write is a character study. I said that somewhere in this thread, I think. It's all about the characters. I try to write characters that are so real, you'll think they are real. Characters you care about. That's what generates mail in my most of my other stories: people say a character spoke to them, or they understood the character (or vice versa).
I could just write a story, but I don't want to. I probably won't stay writing on this new path long, but instead find another path nobody's foreseen. I loved HT30 and I had fun. I might try a tangent on that path. This one, I'm done with: too much emotional stress writing it, making it just so, and then dealing with the aftermath (afterbirth?)
You'll probably see some really deep, dark psychological tale one day. Something that makes HT30 look like a Dr Seuss book. I've also got some other ideas. I just have to decide I want to write. Right now, I don't. My mind is elsewhere.
Okay.
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aj
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Which leaves me wondering just how someone actually wears a slide rule...
Marty (Good original post, btw, Des
)I'm sure you've heard the old groaner about the constipated math professor? No?
He worked it out with a pencil and a slide rule...
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aj
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I'm a big fan of this tale. Some of the writing - hell, most all of it - is beautifully and lyrically voiced, even as the tale itself is hard and gritty and difficult. It's a damn hard combination to pull off, but simon does it seemingly effortlessly.
So why did I have so much trouble with chapter 4? In another thread, Desdownunder talked about the 'fast edit technique' of cinematography, and how that technique interprets into the written word, and how it is very, very difficult to use it successfully in a movie so that it supports the plot and characterization, rather than appearing 'gimmicky.' I think that was the problem here - the images are too fragmented, too disparate in the moments that they portray, and not sufficiently thematically linked to be successful. I think I understand the intent of the chapter: to portray the strange and chaotic rollercoaster ride that Harbor's life has become since meeting and falling in love with Brody (and kudos to Simon on choosing that particular name for the protagonist - Harbor is indeed Brody's safe haven of normalcy in a life that is far, far outside the norm that most of us live in), but I think that the chapter is not cohesive enough to manage that successfully.
What I would suggest is this: choose about half of these moments, and make them the ones that have some thematic link. Develope them to the point that the linking theme is obvious, remembering that the reader knows a lot less about the story than the author. Present them in the form of flashback memory, rather than a series of 'right now' moments, with a frame tale of, perhaps, Harbor lying in bed with a sleeping Brody and remembering the events of the last week/days, etc. I know...this won't have the 'cutting edge' feel to it that the choppiness of the current chapter has, but I think it will make it a much more satisfying read.
Looking forward to the next chapter, as always.
cheers!
aj
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It won't make any difference the Queen will still cancel your independence.
Ouch! I was trying to be funny. Don't hit me, again.
The Queen? Are you going to be our monarch then?
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aj
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"Used as a meat puppet..." What a horrible fate! Oh dear...
WTB: someone to use me as a meat puppet. Any takers? No?
damn.
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aj
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The answer here is simple, at least for me: this isn't a short story...it simply doesn't meet the criteria. But, it's a brilliant character study and essay on a moral dilemma. Nice work, Wibby!
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aj
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I would begin by saying I think it is necessary to encourage readers to know they can trust themselves to give everything they have to an author for the short time it takes to read a story. Let yourself go into the world of the author. If the story fails to grab you, that is fine. If it makes you think, enthralls you or simply entertains you, when you put the book down, you the reader can make up your mind how much it affects you. Any good story should encourage you to do that, even if not obviously.
I say this because I have at times been shocked by content. I have at times found the writing, 'difficult' to fathom. Generally these have been the challenges that have enriched my life by reading.
As a writer, I want to evoke particular emotional responses in my readers. I want them to feel a particular way when they read chapter 8, and something else when they read the middle section of chapter 9. I want them to get the subtext of the story that I'm writing - the one liner that any story has as its basis (for instance, the subtext of HnH is: sometimes the honorable guys, and not the players, win. My take on The Scrolls of Icaria: How do people of honor respond to attempts at coercion?). Eventually, as I become a more accomplished author, I'd like to be able to create an entire mood or ambience for my readers, blending emotional responses and feelings into a complete picture...but I'm a long way from that now. Perhaps I'll get there someday. This, for me, is the goal that all the voice and pov and all the other tools at our disposal are to be used to work towards...the pov and voice of the work are used in a very deliberate way to evoke the response that one wants from that particular passage.
Of course, one wants to tell a ripping good story, too. If the reader isn't pulled in by the plotline, they're not going to stay around long enough to be able to feel what you want them to feel, right?
*reads back over what he wrote* Hmm...I have a keen grasp of the obvious, don't I? Well, never hurts to restate the basics, I guess.
cheers!
aj
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Apple knows that this announcement will pay dividends in the future, as some of the best and brightest employees will be attracted to their company as a result.
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aj
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Mmm, this is lovely. The language is longing and eloquent, and the request seems quite reasonable to me...*smile*
My spidey senses were tingling as i read this, and my editor's fingers wanting to correct some typing/grammar errors, but overall this was, as I already noted, a lovely piece of writing.
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aj
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Amazing work, Brandon! Like eating dark chocolate, the bittersweetness on the tongue. Thanks for sharing this.
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aj
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"My goodness, what a beautiful sunset/seascape/old building/whatever happens to be behind them."
"Try to look natural...I'm with National Geographic."
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aj
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About twelve years ago, I was a nursing student at Seattle University. On a particular day in the spring, I was sitting in the computer lab of the nursing building (probably surfing the net for pics of hot looking guys) and happened to see some movement out the corner of my eye through the ground level window next to me. I turned to look and immediately went into palpitations...
At SU, there is a yearly ritual where the rowing team streaks the campus. Guess where their site for stripping down and getting ready for their nude jog was located? Yup, right outside the window I was sitting next to. I watched in shock and awe as about 20 extremely fit and athletic men stripped off all their clothes and then stood about, jumped up and down, and generally prepared for a quick trek across campus.
Too sad that there weren't cell phones with cameras back then...it would have made a most worthy picture.
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aj
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Hey Brandon -
For me, this worked a lot, lot better than October Gray. This piece had some tension, some direction that it was going, and lacked the overwhelming imagery of the first piece. I'd really like to read more of this one.
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aj
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I read this twice, and looked at it (as much as I could) from two points of view: first as almost a prose poem, where the emphasis was placed on how the words work together, and second, as a sequence of events. Clearly, this was much more successful in the first view, though even there it seemed that sometimes you were reaching very far afield to make some of those metaphors, similes, etc, work. Remember the words of the great poet: "Less is more. I long for more." The sheer weight of the accumulation of metaphor in this piece is daunting, and to that end I would suggest that some of the details that you visualize in this scene be used as details, not as metaphors. Let them be simple, descriptive comments: "Right at his feet, a rock beneath the waterline created tiny whorls in the riverwater, forming and disappearing and forming again." (that was my attempt at the lyric voice of your piece - sorry it's kind of lame).
From a narrative point of view? three pieces: My boyfriend just left me without explanation.
I'm depressed. And my crazy, fag-hag friend just found me and started bugging me.
You have an incredible grasp of language, and clearly some interesting things to say. I hope you'll keep posting and talking to us.
cheers!
aj
Oh yeah...Wibby, I can't believe you didn't like Little, Big! Phillistine!
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*AHEM!* To get back on topic, I thought we might discuss Camy's newest schoolboy story, called "Dearly Beloved." Heard of it? Yes indeedy, it's a fine one.
First, it's been ages since I heard the endearment 'dearheart.' It brings back a wealth of warm memories for me, so thanks for that, Camy.
Camy is the master of understatement and spare language. I know, I know...we all like a lush, detailed style sometimes, but there is a certain beauty to lean, spare language as well. It often takes more skill to evoke the same emotions with simplicity than it does with rich, lengthy descriptions...I want to learn that skill and apply it in my own writing.
Over all, a lovely piece of writing. Thanks for the experience, Camy!
cheers!
aj
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One of the many 'unfairnesses' of life is that as I get older - and consequently more financially stable and capable - I meet a lot of 'boys with dancing eyes.' Some are outright predators, others are just boys who don't mind accepting a little help from someone who is willing to go there, but they all of them aren't serious about much of anything...except getting what they want.
One must deal very carefully with this kind of person, I find. It is a mistake to think that any dealings with such are anything but commercial in nature - if one leads with one's heart, it will end up a punching bag or a bumper, neither of which it is designed to be. One learns to be suspicious and guard one's heart rather carefully in this time when being known as a 'player' is a commendation, and honor and honesty are despised.
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aj
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I was delighted to see another story by Graeme show up on the boards, and immediately clicked on it. I was not disappointed: Graeme's latest is a tale with a VERY interesting premise, and some very fun characters. Go check out The Price of Friendship - I don't think you'll be disappointed.
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aj
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Pigs, wearing lipstick or not, tend to run in herds.
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aj
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And yet, though one cannot hold a political candidate responsible entirely for what happens in his/her home church, it is indicative of his/her beliefs. Obama has clearly repudiated the statements made by his former minister, but I haven't seen anything from Palin saying that she does not support her church's efforts to convert homosexuals through prayer. Much can be seen by the nature of the people that one chooses to surround oneself with.
Though frankly, both Obama and Palin choose to surround themselves with politicians, so what does that say about their characters, eh? Nothing good, I can assure you.
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aj
Another thought: doesn't asking a hypothetical question about banning books in a public meeting strike you as a little disengenuous? She wouldn't be asking the question if she wasn't thinking in that line. I would never ask a question about banning books because it would never occur to me to want to.
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So that's where the phrase 'crazy as a bedbug' comes from? I can deal with that...
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aj
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Cholmondeley...I have a new name for my next World of Warcrack character! thanks, guys!
Loved the story. I have a similar memory of something that happened with a friend in the top of a tree that we'd climbed in my front yard... sadly, it ended with me being too timid to pursue it and he too discreet to push beyond words.
cheers!
aj
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My first flash fiction! This happened about two weeks ago...still a little sore, but the ribs are healing.
The Accident
Need to get to work on time... there's a lot of potholes on this alley, but if I ride in the middle of the lanes, there are a few less. Hard to see 'em in the dark and the rain, but I know this alleyway. Keep up my rpm speed and I'll be to work in plenty of time. High gear, and pushing the pedals feels good.
Something looming up straight ahead in the darkness, oh shit! I swerve, but the impact is sudden and devastating. I'm falling and something hits me very hard in the side, on my left. I see a bright flash of white and then I'm lying on the slick, wet blacktop and I can't breathe. My legs are moving all on their own, an attempt to crawl, and my fingers are scrabbling for purchase on the hard roadway. I feel the nail of my little finger on my right hand break. I hear a voice sobbing "Oh, uh, oh," and realize it's my voice. I try to breathe, and pain sears through my chest, sharp and burning, like I'm being stabbed. I take control of my legs, and push myself up to hands and knees, my helmeted head hanging and my breath coming in short, gasping pants.
I push myself to my feet, stand swaying for a moment in the dark and the rain. My glasses have fallen off, and everything is a blur, but a dim glint of light on glass shows me where they are. When I bend to pick them up, my back shrieks in protest and I gasp out "Oh, fuck!" But I have them and I slide them on, essential armor. What happened?
The cyclone fence around the back of the nearby building seems undisturbed by the impact, but my bicycle lies in the middle of the roadway, the front tire crumpled and bent - no longer fast and graceful, but a danger to traffic. I won't be able to push it home. I bend to lift it to the side of the road, but pain stabs through my back again, so I nudge it with my legs, pushing it over to the short wall at the side of the park. I rifle through my pockets, can't find my keys... leave them. I have to go home.
I can't catch my breath, and my steps are short and halting. The walk seems to take forever, but finally I climb the stairs and grasp the polished brass knocker that I had engraved with the address those years ago. I clank it against the plate.
A moment later the door opens. "Oh my god, what happened to you?"
"I crashed on my bike."
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This discussion of hearing voices is interesting. I think there's two kinds (at least): the inner tapes that we all hear, that act as judge and jury for us, and then the 'other voices' that only a few hear.
Not every night, but many, when I'm just at that still point between sleep and waking, I hear a party: lots of voices, some laughing, some talking loud and some softly, and all pretty indistinguishable. It doesn't seem to mean much of anything, just kind of odd. If I raise my head off the pillow, it all shuts off, and I lay back down it starts again until I fall asleep. Kind of peculiar.
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aj
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The School Bus
in The Bull Pen
Posted
Nice little piece of writing, des. The one thing that really sticks out for me (
) has already been commented on by a couple other reviewers: one of the hardest things about writing in the voice of a child (this kid is what? 14 or so?) is to make one's voice not be over-knowlegeable, by which I mean to write from a child's perspective, not that of an adult trying to talk or think like a kid. It is very, very difficult to set aside the cultural education that we've gained since hitting adulthood and write the way that a kid thinks...and I'm not sure that this is a convincing example of that.
Besides, if this kid was perving on the boys on the bus like he's described as doing, he'd be developing his own set of problems and need to do a little bit of stretegic concealment. It's been a long time since I was that age, but I can clearly recall that certain parts of my anatomy had the most distressing tendency to 'stand up and be counted' when I had even the most remotely sexual thoughts.
Having said that, I would like to point out what i liked about this piece as well: the tense and pov work for me, at least in this short context, because they play into one of the things that I care most about in fiction writing, the sense of immediacy that it conveys. The other thing I like about this is that it creates a scene of rich sensuality and no one takes their clothes off, unlike 98% of the rest of the fiction out there on the net.
cheers!
aj