Rich Boy: Awakening

[Trab]

I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't disappointed. With only 4 Chapters so far, this is shaping up to be a very interesting story.

http://dkstories.gayauthors.org/richboy/index.php

[Abraxas]

So far, so good. Looking forward to chapter 5.

Abraxas

[Tanuki Racoon]

So far, so good. Looking forward to chapter 5.

It's there ya' know.....

[The Pecman]

Very interesting story. I have two main critiques (both minor):

1) I think author Kirk would've been better off describing the opening attack in great detail. Instead, we open in the attorney's office, and the parents' death is dismissed in a brief discussion (and again, later on, in a very minor flashback). To me, the story begs for an opening chapter showing the attack, then ending with the kid discovering his family dead. And then, after that, we go to the scene with the attorney. Omitting something this huge is just bizarre to me.

2) I think a lot of the dialog is overly stiff and formal. I've come into contact with a handful of people who were very wealthy, and trust me, they use contractions and slang in their conversation as much as everybody else, especially nowadays. (Some of them do it to a fault, like Donald Trump and Ted Turner.) I think Dan was trying to use it as a gimmick to show the stilted speech of Worthington/Mikey vs. the casual speech of his cousins, but I think it was a little heavy-handed.

But beyond that, it's a dynamite concept and I like where it's going. I think the idea of a wealthy family whose power lies not only in money but also in magic is a very unique plotline, and I can't recall ever seeing it done before. This is good enough to use in an actual published novel, let alone a freebie on the net. Very intriguing premise -- and the sex is used well, too.

[Trab]

I think he did quite fine with the lack of detail of the attack, at least, at the beginning. It did for me, what I think it was supposed to do, which is to show his lack of emotional connection with his parents and the family.

[colinian]

I think he did quite fine with the lack of detail of the attack, at least, at the beginning. It did for me, what I think it was supposed to do, which is to show his lack of emotional connection with his parents and the family.

I agree. All is clarified in chapters 4 and 5.

I don't usually read stories in this genre, but there's something about RB:A that's caught my interest.

Colin

[The Pecman]

I think he did quite fine with the lack of detail of the attack, at least, at the beginning. It did for me, what I think it was supposed to do, which is to show his lack of emotional connection with his parents and the family.

I don't agree. To me, this violates the classic "show, don't tell" rule of fiction. I think what the story needs is a prologue to introduce that situation: start with the storm, go inside where Worthington is having sex with the guy, then wind up with the family killed by lightning. (BTW, I grew up in an area with the worst lightning storms in the world, and I can tell you it's unbelievably rare to have this many people killed at one time by lighting. Two or three people -- maybe. Not a dozen.)

I think there's a way to do this that would still show that Worthington was detached, almost uncaring at their deaths. But it's a small criticism of an otherwise good story. I only hope that the novel doesn't get bogged down in technicalities, which has plagued some of Dan's past stories (including his Do Over novels, which get sidetracked with politics and military minutiae). I think his stories are more interesting when they're more about people and plot than about technology, but I confess to having read all of the Do Over tales, which get so complex, you'd have to have a road map to explain the time-travel paradoxes experienced by several of the main characters.

[BeaStKid]

A very nicely done story...loved it uptil now.

Didn't find anything wrong with the plot development. But I agree that a Prologue would have been better.

The BeaStKid