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Walking and Thinking


Three ch. so far. The first two have been really nice. Great start. Slowly building relationships and characters, nice to see that kind of start. The supporting chars. show promise too, and so far, we have only assumptions that the two main characters are, or will be, gay. The author is good at style and mechanics. -- No, there've been no repairmen in the story. :)

The song lyrics quoted are interesting. Haven't heard the band's stuff, though. Yes, it's a real group that's quoted.

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:lol: I was going to suggest this one tonight. Blue I am very concerned about you, if you are reading my mind. Its quite chaotic and scary in here, and those are the good days. Just be careful ! lol Oh, chocolate works wonders on the growling thing in the corner!!

So I'll second the motion on the story, though the one thing I didn't like was the deus ex machina - like effect of having the two be at the same school. I guess they are in same neighborhood, but it was a little too easy. Otherwise, lots of good ideas and potential here. And the slow roll-out using short chapters is torturous ! Which is a good thing for stories!

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Blue, I read the story on your recommendation. Unfortunately it turned me off on two points:

1) the guy starts off by having the character describe himself to the reader. I hate that.

2) nothing much happens in the first 3 chapters beyond just introducing the characters. To me, this is a total waste of time. Any good book on fiction writing tells you to grab the reader immediately with some action, as close to the first page as possible. Certainly, you should be done with character introductions after page 3 or 4, and just let the story unfold.

The writing's not horrible, but when I find myself saying, "don't bore us -- get to the chorus," I know something's wrong.

Just my opinion, your miles will vary, batteries not included.

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Pecman, it's sad to think that people might stop reading P&J after the first couple of paragraphs of chapter one. Don't see what the problem is with a character describing himself. I like to know what the narrator looks like as soon as possible unless there is some specific plot reason to withhold that piece of info.

The pace is slow so far, but the chapters are very short. The first three could easily be combined into one chapter and still be relatively short.

I don't believe there is any one formula for writing an interesting story. Of course, this type of set up has been done a million times on Nifty. Let's see where he goes with it. That's what will make it interesting or not.

By the way, I shot Boy Writer a note, letting him know there is a discussion here of his story.

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To be totally honest, I never expected to find my stories talked about anywhere outside of email. Thank you, Under, for pointing me here.

I was working on an author's note to explain things, but I may as well explain a few of them here, to show why some things seem like they do.

I hate Deus Ex Machina, really. Though, sometimes it must be used. In most cases in this story, however, that's not what it really is. The story takes place in a small southern town, based loosely on the one I grew up in. There was one high school. There was one music store. There was one mall with a strip mall behind it. That's pretty much the extent of it. You couldn't buy real music anywhere BUT there. Sure, you could shop at Wal-Mart for editted crap, but who wants that?

The reason the first few chapters were so short, honestly, was that I was writing them a few months ago and just decided to throw them up there a few days ago. The first chapter is more of a prologue. I'm working on the fourth chapter, which should be much longer, as I sit here. The later chapters will be much slower in appearing.

Yes, the lyrics are from real songs by real bands that many people don't even know exist. I have a thing for unknown music, especially when the music relates to so many things I've experienced and felt. It works well for this series. Actually, I have another series creeping into my head, but I'm holding it back with a pressurized hose, "Back foul muse... uhm... try me in a few days?"

Anyway, thank you for the comments some of you have made. They're definately pushing me forward.

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Welcome, BoyWriter!

I read the 3rd ch. after making my post. I want more. I agree, the chs. could be longer; just join 'em together.

The "Readers Rule" section is partly to suggest new stories for inclusion on Dude's site. Everything's kind of new, but there are some lively discussions already.

Every story has to intro. its characters and setting. It's how that's done and what the author does with it then and after that makes the difference.

I liked how BoyWriter did both. Without at least a line or two, the reader is going to feel like he/she is imagining disembodied talking heads.

Intro'ing a new char. like Jamie was isn't a deus ex machina anyway. A DxM is an implausible, sudden way to get the heroes out of trouble without them doing anything.

The "new boy" idea is entirely plausible. Been there, but we didn't get to the "benefits" stage. (grumbles)

Personally, I loved the scene where they meet, a nice compare and contrast between the characters, both confused, and the romantic description. Yes, I'm shippy.

I'm new at all this. Maybe I should start by cruising Galveston at dawn and dusk.... Hmm. Say, that's not a bad idea at all.... :idea:

Keep up the good writing, BoyWriter!

Oh, and you might like TragicRabbit's nice quotes of plays, poems, and songs. He writes Drama Club.

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  • 3 months later...

Ah, after a long, hard cross-country move and the adjustment afterwards, I've finally updated. It should be up on Nifty, soon. I only sent it in a few minutes ago, so it'll probably be a week before all the sites have it. I did take some advice in this one... for example... length. This one is about 20K. heh.

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