Witty Ha-has

[Cole Parker]

Witty Ha-has


- If I had a dollar for every boy or girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

- I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will remind me with, "Your password is incorrect."

- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

- I'm a great multi-tasker—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

- Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

- Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

- Take my advice - I'm not using it.

- I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

- Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

- I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

- Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more- talented fool.

- I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

- When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.

- My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test—the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

- There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

- Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

- I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

- The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

- I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

- I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

- If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

- Money is the root of all wealth.

- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.