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Cole Parker

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Everything posted by Cole Parker

  1. When you're done with those, venture into Rex Stout. There's a guy who knew how to write mysteries.
  2. Oh, wait! I was just advanced! And I didn't even have to put in the labor! C
  3. However, you rank as an Explorer, while I'm still Apprenticing, Who or what, no one's said.
  4. I like it fine. Easy for me to quibble about small details. One thing to look at is sentence structure. You use a lot of commas to set of different clauses, and often you'd be better off using periods and starting the next clause independent of the first. For a first effort, it's quite accomplished. You might think about whether this is a done deal, or going to be expanded into a longer story. If the latter, I might suggest you stay in one voice and make Jeff's thoughts and feelings come out in dialogue. Good job! C
  5. Jason's always been among the most talented we have here. It's a pleasure whenever he gets off his duff and writes! C
  6. Now that would be a grandmama to get to know! C
  7. Especially a goose. Those monsters are vicious! C
  8. If we're to throw out the kiss as improbable, then we have to use that rule for anything unlikely to happen, and there goes a whole slew of drama. I can easily see one boy obsessing on another from afar, and the feelings growing over time to almost uncontrollable proportions. I think we can all imagine that. And we can imagine he's received some sort of emanations from the kissable boy that tell him this is a risk that might backfire but might not, too. So, addled boy, seeing his chance, strikes! The only thing that I can see that might have made this more acceptable to some would have been to have been given some sort of background to support the action. But, doing that would have made the kiss more probable and taken away some of the shock value that made us keep reading. This sort of thing has to be left up to the author, who will have weighed the way he wanted the story to start, thought of many ways to do it, and decided on this. There's no way I'd fault him for this choice. C
  9. Very pleasing story, Alan. Good job. It's the kind of story that will give young gay boys hope. C
  10. I don't know if you want this or not, but as this is the Bullpen, I've taken the liberty to edit the first few paragraphs to show how to make this more reader-friendly. You might want to continue in this vein as you self-edit it. Part 2 On entering the house with the older of the two leading the way, they entered the sitting room where Micah’s parents were seated. Greeting his parents he then introduced Luke to them. His parents welcomed Luke and asked him to take a seat. “It’s okay(, Mum. W)e’re going to the kitchen to get a drink and something to eat(. W)e’ll be back shortly,” Micah said, and the two boys disappeared from view. Inside the kitchen Micah asked, “You hungry?” “Yeah(.) I haven’t eaten for ages.” Micah smiled at the younger boys attempt to keep from swearing(.) “How about a pizza(,) Luke(;) will that do?” “Yeah, great.” He took the pizza from the fridge and put it in the microwave. When it was done(,) he placed it on the breakfast table and the two of them sat down to eat.
  11. Spectacular. All that music in his head! I was lucky to know the alphabet at that age! C
  12. I read that in a published book. On paper. My rating: so so. I think we do as good a job here, actually. Made me wonder if I should try going that route. Nah! I'm happy here.
  13. That's right! I didn't mention it: we have a pecker with us! C
  14. A hearty welcome, James. Glad to have one more voice here. Just beware of most of the denizens here. They bite!
  15. Damn! All the dilution makes the words less exciting! C
  16. I think he was better when ranting!
  17. Nothing in the story says the father knew about the Shimmer. Just that the woods were dangerous.
  18. I don't know Mr. Pie, but he seems a bit overly emotional to me. C
  19. Some people don't seem to appreciate the wonder and romance in a story! C
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