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Need your advice...



Hi, I am new here. My name is Mike and I am 19 years old. If you want to know my sexual orientation, then ask me privately, please. The reason is that I don't want everyone giving me a hard time if they find out my sexual orientation. I am going to ask you to give me any advices, any at all. I will tell you my situation. You see, I just got out of a relationship with someone a while ago. I am very close with one of my best friends, who is a girl. Before I tell you the situation, I really like her more than as friends...I have a passionate feeling for her, but she doesn't know about this yet. But, she knew that I had a relationship with my ex, and that I loved my ex a lot. Again, she also knew that I had broken up with my ex. Here's the thing, she is still in shock and feel sad a lot of time (no, she is not depressed, just sad) because she lost few people to illnesses. My best friend lost her friend, who she knew since she was younger due to leukemia, blood infection and kidney failure last February. She lost two people in July of 2007, six days apart. One of her school friends had died from cancer and another one had died from seizures. Last month, another student who went to her school had died from cancer, which put her in huge shock. She never got over her shock. She hasn?t been dating since she found out about her friend?s death. I knew that she is hurting right now, and it hurts me a lot. :stare: How can I make her feel better? Often that time, I was always there, and make sure that she is alright but she is really different from before. I always worry about her a lot and wanted to protect her. I love her so much that I wouldn't imagine if something bad could happens to her. I can see that she is VERY stressed out with all of these situations, and she turned down the dates the boys asked her out previous (just after her friend's death from cancer) because she thinks that she will never be happy with these boys because her friends are gone. I need your advice. I wanted to tell her that I could do anything to make her happy, but how can I help her to recover her shock? It been a very long time (since Feb) that she is sad and unhappy. I have that feeling that she is scared if she will lose someone else. How can I tell her that she will not lose anyone who she loves and is very close with? I don?t want to say anything wrong that will make her mad at me. Can you please help me what to say to my best friend? Most importantly, do I have to give her a more time before I ask her out or just ask her out right away? Any comments or advices areappreciated! Thanks! :shock: :


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I don't think that I'm qualified to really answer. She probably IS scared to lose anyone else, and that is quite natural, considering the recent history. I don't think you should say something like that she won't lose someone she loves, because she could suffer another loss right away, maybe due to car accident. Who knows. I suspect that the best way to ask her 'out' is not on a date, but something else, that isn't really a date, but maybe something she just likes to do; something she would enjoy and it gives a chance to talk with you. Maybe a trip together to a nice park, in which spring flowers are starting to bloom?

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The only person qualified to answer that is her. I cannot think of any delicate way to go about it. I would, like Trab, suggest a slow start. Maybe a trip to the local Starbucks for a cup of coffee and talk. Let her know you're there for her in any way she needs. Elaborate a little more on each date and gauge her reaction. I normally don't like the slow drawn-out thing, but in this case I might suggest going that route to preserve her emotional stability.

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You say she's not depressed, but from that point on, all your descriptions of her point towards depression.I think she should get some professional help. You're probably in college, and if she is too, then almost all colleges these days offer free counselling for students. She hasn't handled her grief well at this point, and with help quite possibly will be able to do better.Your role should be supportive, not romantic. When she's got herself back together, she'll remember what you did for her.Cole

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Cole's advice is still good though. Are there school counsellors who can help? Even without that, the supportive role needs to be the primary action, not romance, not yet.

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