I hate being interrupted when I am doing something useful.
There I was on a research project of some importance. I was counting the number of errors made on all the web pages on the Internet, when the phone rang. It was of course from a marketing firm who used a person whose native tongue was not English (or American). I of course had been counting the aforementioned web page errors without writing them down. So when the phone rang I completely lost track of how many errors I had counted. All that work gone forever.
The person on the other end of the phone said something like, "Allo, out are you doing today?"
Where did they learn to say that, The Yoda Academy of Jedi English?
I replied of course that I was in.
"Allo, out are you doing today?" the voice asked again. I wondered if the caller's gender had been deferred at birth, perhaps till sometime after puberty made it possible to make a determination.
"Allo, out are you doing, today?"
It suddenly occurred to me that this might be some stalker who despite being English-challenged was trying to confirm whether or not I had come out.
"Do you mean to ask if I am out of the closet?" I inquired.
"You are in cloths today?"
"Well I usually am in cloths.
"In cloths? Today?"
What is it, with this preoccupation with...today?
Why do people add 'today' on to the end of their sentences. You know, like the checkout operator at the supermarket tells you the total cost and then next thing she asks is, "Will that be cash or credit card, today?" See what I mean? I feel like asking her if I can pay tomorrow. When did she think I was going to pay, next week?
"Allo, out are you today?" asked Yoda's top student.
"I have been outing myself for many years. Are you out?" I ask ever so sweetly between gritted teeth.
"Alloing Sir, I am suping visor, in charge of staffing, is problem being here, today?"
Souping Visor? Stuffing? Is he feeding Darth Vader?
"No problem, being here, I can't answer about being there though, -today."
They've got me saying it.
"I can being assuring you everything is fine here, today."
"Why did you telephone me?" Stopped myself from adding 'today.'
"Oh Sir we are just doing surveying to find out how you are doing today."
"You're not trying to sell me something?"
"Oh no, we just want to be nice and..."
It was at that moment that the line went dead. I heard an awful noise and when I looked outside I saw several pigs had entangled themselves in the telephone cables as they flew past my house, today.