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"Amazing Grace"


R.J.

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I've changed my pen name to RJ now -- my real name's initials actually. If you're new here, I was formerly known as Rad Steven. I still like to be called Rad though. It is, after all, a part of the "R" in my new pen name.

I told Mike, the guys at Codey's World, and Rob (at The Authors' Haunt) that the change was because that's what I need. A change.

I think anyone who has been reading my blog here will agree that I do need a change.

This year has been something I didn't expect it to be. First, January of this year, my best friend moved somewhere. I didn't expect it to affect me as much as it did. I was, or am -- surprise! -- in love with him. But more than that, he was my confidante, my comforter, my, well, whatever it is that best friends do. I didn't really think much of what my parents do until I didn't have a trusted ear to confide in about it.

He's very terrible at keeping in touch, and, I guess, I just gave up. I mean, I'm sure there'll be times when we'd see each other again, so I'll just wait for those.

And then there was that job. Right now, there's a bit of regret in me that I resigned, but I also don't know how much I'd be regretting it if I had stayed. But, being broke all the time, well, it has its highs and lows. Or lows and lows, depending on your point of view.

Then school. I finally decided on what I'm going to do, and in the process, I gave up The Dream -- you know, the dream that all of us, at one point in our lives, believed we'd be able to achieve. For now, I feel alright about it. And I hope that I won't regret it later in life. And that's my goal: to study as best as I can so that I won't regret the career change.

I'm not so depressed now; well, maybe when I'm lying in bed at night and worrying about the future. I'm mostly angry, but it's an emotion I rarely show. I finally gave up on my parents -- they'll never ever change. I've focused on getting my degree and getting the hell out of here. The faster, the better. The farther, the better.

I finally have that goal again. Become my own man.

Thing is, I have this internal debate going on -- and sometimes I think it's stupid -- if one night stands are something I'd want to continue having. On one hand, I think sex is sex. On the other, well, there is no other yet. All those gay romance stories have messed up my mind! But I haven't looked for any since I'm still confused about the subject.

But, anyway, I like to think things will be different this time, that I've got a handle over things this time. And I'm sorry for turning this blog into "musings of a tortured mind" (as WBMS had said) for a while. I was really more depressed about what my life had become, than the daily going-ons (or goings on, whatever). Right now, what they do, say, or what I think they think don't hurt me anymore, but it really pisses me off. So I just piss them off back, just, you know, very subtly.

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RJ:I wish you luck, as I'm sure we all do. You're one of the good guys, and I want to see you happy. Things have been tough for you for a long time, and it's time for that to change.I really pulling for you.Cole

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Hey buddy! You have the love and support of the entire crew here at AwesomeDude.You have a creative mind and strong moral compass which - with a little help from your friends - will serve you well!Mike

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We all have regrets so get over the one about the job. Move forward. As for the friend, that's dicier. I must say he doesn't seem to be the type of friend you thought he was if he's not reciprocating attempts to keep in touch.You will persevere...

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