After months of silence, all I can give you is another stinking breath of depression. And I apologize. I just need to unload.
And, on that note.
The past few months, I’ve been rather... adrift. Kind of like floating in space. It just seemed like the more I tried to get control of my life, the more I lose it.
So I let go.
I really let go. In fact, I’ve probably gained at least five pounds now. If not for my metabolism, it probably would’ve been ten pounds. My pants also have become a little difficult to fit into. It’s really embarrassing, but there’s not much I can do but stop doing whatever it is I’ve been doing.
I’ve been letting things happen on their own. It’s actually almost like I wasn’t there. I was just watching from the background. Watching myself fail. Every day.
I had quit going to that shit-class school.
I had quit my fucked up telemarketer job.
The only thing left to do now is move out. Even if I’m not ready to. Thing is, I’m just so afraid of dying of hunger. So, you know, I have to swallow my pride – what’s left of it – every day, while my parents do what they do best. I can’t even think of them now without wishing they meet an accident on the way home. I just really can’t believe they’re my parents. And, you know, I’d rather not think of them that way. But I can’t help it.
It’s been hell. And, probably, the only bright spot these past few months are the emails, well, almost everything online. Almost. It’s been a trying year, so far.
I think I even have a monster writer’s block now. What else can go wrong, right?
Anyway. Phew! Anyway.
Cole Parker told me that when he writes his novels, he completes it first before posting it on the web. I tried. I really tried, but it’s just not for me. I can’t finish anything but short stories. So, I guess, you’ll be seeing a first chapter as soon as I get some things straightened out, but the posting of chapters would only definitely happen after they’re each completed.
From time to time, I still try to get control of my life. My latest attempt is enrolling for a vocational course, something about computers. The classes would be next week. And if everything goes as planned, I’d be going back to college and shift courses from Accountancy to either CompSci or IT after this vocational thing. As for a job I can’t seem to find to right one for me. If only I have porn star looks.