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Where's the Joystick?


R.J.

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After months of silence, all I can give you is another stinking breath of depression. And I apologize. I just need to unload.

And, on that note.

The past few months, I’ve been rather... adrift. Kind of like floating in space. It just seemed like the more I tried to get control of my life, the more I lose it.

So I let go.

I really let go. In fact, I’ve probably gained at least five pounds now. If not for my metabolism, it probably would’ve been ten pounds. My pants also have become a little difficult to fit into. It’s really embarrassing, but there’s not much I can do but stop doing whatever it is I’ve been doing.

I’ve been letting things happen on their own. It’s actually almost like I wasn’t there. I was just watching from the background. Watching myself fail. Every day.

I had quit going to that shit-class school.

I had quit my fucked up telemarketer job.

The only thing left to do now is move out. Even if I’m not ready to. Thing is, I’m just so afraid of dying of hunger. So, you know, I have to swallow my pride – what’s left of it – every day, while my parents do what they do best. I can’t even think of them now without wishing they meet an accident on the way home. I just really can’t believe they’re my parents. And, you know, I’d rather not think of them that way. But I can’t help it.

It’s been hell. And, probably, the only bright spot these past few months are the emails, well, almost everything online. Almost. It’s been a trying year, so far.

I think I even have a monster writer’s block now. What else can go wrong, right?

Anyway. Phew! Anyway.

Cole Parker told me that when he writes his novels, he completes it first before posting it on the web. I tried. I really tried, but it’s just not for me. I can’t finish anything but short stories. So, I guess, you’ll be seeing a first chapter as soon as I get some things straightened out, but the posting of chapters would only definitely happen after they’re each completed.

From time to time, I still try to get control of my life. My latest attempt is enrolling for a vocational course, something about computers. The classes would be next week. And if everything goes as planned, I’d be going back to college and shift courses from Accountancy to either CompSci or IT after this vocational thing. As for a job I can’t seem to find to right one for me. If only I have porn star looks.

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Hey, Rad, I'm sorry to hear life hasn't been going well for you lately. It sounds like you've been around people who've been behaving like mushroom growers (keeping you in the dark, covering you with shit). Maybe it would help to remember it's not the circumstances of life that make people miserable, it's what goes on in their heads. People can be happy although in desperate poverty ? it's all a matter of liking yourself, having self-respect. And you, my friend, have plenty of reason for self-respect. You're one of the good guys ? and very talented. You have the ability to move people with your writing and that's a gift that should be used and developed. Because of the way the web works you'll probably never know just how much good you've done, how many lives you've made easier or happier because someone has read something you've written and it's helped them deal with who they are. We're separated from our readership by miles of telephone cable. But you will know that if one reader sent you an e-mail to say thanks for writing, likely several hundred others read your work but didn't, for whatever reason, feel able to write and tell you so. You're a force for good in this world, so don't let the bastards get you down! Hang on in there, mate! Bruin :wav:

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Rad, it's great to see your blog space open and in business again!Some wit noted that if life gives you a lemon, go make some lemonade. That sort of advice doesn't help too much if you don't have any sugar, or a pitcher, or potable water. So I'm not going to suggest you make lemonade.I know your situation isn't the best. But it sounds a little bit like you've given up, and you have way, way too much going for you to do that. You're a really good guy, sensitive and intelligent and caring. And you can write like not many others can. It's a matter of finding a place for yourself, which certainly isn't easy to do; it takes persistence and a goal. Perhaps minimizing the time you're in your house when your parents are home would help your depression. But letting yourself go and floundering won't. I really hope for the best for you. Keep at it, guy. Very few of us have it easy in life. The ones who keep fighting are the ones who end up successes.C

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Good luck getting your shit together. Worry about that first and writing second. You don't want to be the guy famous for the "musings of a tortured mind" -- although it makes great reading, it's hell on the writer.

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Rad, let me tell you about Vic. Vic is a driver for a small company in Manila. He worked for a pittance and for 18 plus hours per day. He supported his wife and 5 kids, but couldn't see them for weeks at a time, as he was away, driving tourists around. The money was barely enough for his kids to have some rice every second day. Vic is now a victim of both global warming, and the world economic downturn from oil prices. There are no tourists, as wave after wave of monsoons rains and typhoons hit. He has somehow managed to start taking college courses, and he still works for that same company, but now he does it for no wages at all. He works only 10 to 12 hours, then goes to school, and he does this work only in the hopes that this company doesn't go completely bankrupt so that if things pick up, he'll be able to get some money again.You are wondering how he is managing to feed his family, and that is a valid question, but more to my point here, is that he is facing almost insurmountable challenges, yet in his emails, he is 'up' and happy, despite this. (The school gives him free internet usage) Why is this? How can he still be so nice, happy, and lacking in despair? I think it is because he recognizes that he is loved, and worthy of love. He has something that you are not seeing in yourself. You are not seeing your worthiness to be loved, nor the love and concern others have for you. If anything, the thing you need to do most is talk to us. Talk to others you know. Email, IM, and post. If you let it all go, and simply slide away, we won't know, we won't be able to help you see that we already like you, and you will be succumbing to something that need not be. You are NOT alone. It may seem that way, but coming to the world to be seen, and heard, will also show that you are not alone.Vic emails to us at least once a day. It can be as little as "I don't know what to do. My bed is completely covered in filth from the flooding from the last storm." He has shared that angst, and while it may not seem to help in any practical way, it does. He gets sympathy, and indeed, even useful suggestions about how he might tackle this problem. The big boost though, is that he can see he is appreciated for being the human being he is. Huge hugs from Bart, and even a kiss, if you don't mind indulging a fat old man.

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Hmm .... All I can say is that you're 20. At 20 I was a total screw up (I'm not much better, now). Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Unless you're one of those lucky people who know exactly what they want and are totally driven, you will eventually find out what it is you're supposed to be doing.Be good, and remember this ancient Emu adage: life is supposed to be fun!Hugs 'n' allCamy

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Hey Rad, we've missed you over at Codey's World and here at AwesomeDude.I've been through ups and downs; some pretty low downs, in fact. You'll get through it all. You'll get some friends along the way who will stick with you through everything. Yeah, some will move on, but others will come in to be with you.Just do the best you know how. Don't worry if you can't seem to keep all the balls juggling in the air at the right time. It doesn't matter. What matters is for you to stick up for the people and ideas you believe in. Yeah, you may find you have to compromise or give in a little, sometimes. You'll figure out who and what you absolutely will fight for and what you can let go a little.Rad, I've seen your writing, fiction and poetry and about your personal life. You have a lot of things going for you and a lot of good sense. You are bound to find a job and education doing something worthwhile, and someone is bound to see you and give you another chance.Life is about all those "another chances" and changing and rebuilding. Life's about standing and fighting for who and what you believe in. Just remember, life's about being "alongside with" and not "against."Hang on tight. You'll get there.

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Thanks, guys! It's really great to know I can say something here and be heard. And the fact that you guys have much more experience than I do is just a plus. True, sometimes, the reason why I post here is because I need to hear what you think.Bruin, thanks for your encouragements.Cole, I've always treasured your advice.WBMS, I appreciate your bluntness a lot. (Though I still don't know what to call you. :D)Bart, I love your perception.Camy, you're the greatest Emu I know.Blue, as always, you give sound advice.I don't know how else to say my appreciation for you guys. Thank you.

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