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Today is one of my friend's birthday... He is going to have a party on his dorm floor tonight...To be honest, I don't feel like going to the party and celebrating his birthday because I am somewhat still having a hard time with Saul's death...Why, do you all ask? Well, you see, Saul died in April...More worse, April was also Saul's birthday month...April 21st, he could've been eighteen...but instead, died before then. Wow...Just wow...Saul's birthday month and death month was April... just 10 fucking days after Saul died, it was his 18th birthday and he wasn't here to celebrate..Except, he celebrated his first birthday with God in Heaven...I apologize that I never told you all that April was also Saul's birthday month, but I couldn't bring myself to say this outloud becuase it was too difficult for me since Saul will be seventeen forever. I think on my 20th birthday, I won't ever celebrate like before because it will be my first birthday without Saul. Just...fuck birthdays...fuck them... I wish that I won't hear this word 'BIRTHDAY' because it pains a lot to know that Saul died in his birthday month... Any advices? I don't think so...This is too difficult to talk about 'birthdays'. I'm sorry but I had to let my emotions out. I had this feeling that Saul would wanted me to go and have fun with my friend on his birthday but I can't...How can I? I think I need some time to get over his death and I thought that I was almost healing over his death, but I suppose not...Because five months isn't long enough to be healed...It would probably be next year. I just don't know...Just don't know... Ok, thanks for reading even though this is not an happy entry...


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Hey Rauch - Grieving is not something that comes with an expiration date or a set schedule. Perhaps the most significant step in the whole process is giving yourself permission to take the time and the space to grieve your friend's death however feels appropriate to you. You don't have to be 'over it' within a month, or six months, or a year...it's a slow, gradual process of recovery, and it may well be that you will never be the same person that you were before that event that you are grieving. You will be able to function in the ways that you need to, but your life has undergone a change that will be with you for a long, long time. And that isn't a bad thing...I can think of worse ways for your friend to be remembered than by the changes of perspective and experience that his death wrought in your life, as well as the changes that knowing him while he was living made in your life. In the end, for most of us, that's really the only lasting impact that we have.cheers!aj

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