EleCivil
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Posts posted by EleCivil
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Hey, Buddha!
Been following this story from the beginning, and like I said on the GA board, I like it a lot.
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Er, I think EleCivil meant Chapter 6
Yep.
I think I've pinpointed exactly what's been bugging me about six.
When I was writing L&L, I used a lot of quick cuts between scenes - cuts from not-quite-the-end of one conversation on one day into the middle of a conversation the next day between two completely different people - stuff like that. Only, it didn't bother me so much, since it was in third person. You could kind of assume that while one scene is happening, other stuff is still going on. With first person narration, where it's all coming from the same point of view, it gets to feeling really disjointed after a little while. To me, at least.
Yahah. Now that I know what's wrong with it, I can go fix it!
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All right, I take it back. I thought this chapter was all but finished, but it still feels too choppy and disjointed to me. I'm going to go back and smooth this sucker out. It'll be a little while longer.
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To everyone asking about the next chapter: Soon!
I'm hoping to finish it up tomorrow, Tuesday at the latest. This one's gone through a lot of re-writes.
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Very cool, Codey.
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I like this story a lot, and I've been following the sequel (Opportunity Cost) over at Nifty.
Like Graeme said, cool characters, and I love the nontraditional twists on some of the genre standards.
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As many people find out the hard way even a $300 surge protector will NOT stop a direct lightning hit*.
Haha, yeah. I remember thinking "Oh, no need to worry about lightning - my $20.00 extension cord has a built-in surge protector! Says so right on the box!"
One fried motherboard and power supply later, I started unplugging everything whenever storms roll through.
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So... how do you feel about same-socks marriage? ;D
*Falls over*
the utterly neat new background imageGotta give props to the Dude for that one. Great find, Sir Dudeness.
I'd happily pay real money for this stuff in print.Money? For writing? But wouldn't that make me some kind of...prose-titute? *Ducks tomatoes*
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Such strong phrasing:
"Beset by brigands"
"Chasing mavericks with fiery tails"
"Fitful dream"
...Really gives a powerful sense of being there, of feeling things.
Cool one, Codey.
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A little set of four poems based on four streets I walked on today. And yes, the gate in the last one is the same as the gate in this poem: http://awesomedude.com/bb/viewtopic.php?t=435
The extra dots in the third one are there because my formatting wouldn't show up on the board. Just imagine that they're blank space, instead.
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Streets Quartet
[southern Security]
To Andover crossed with careful watch
For fences left unlatched
And dogs unchained in full disdain
Of passing gratis glance
At a corner there were two that stood
Grinding gears for tongues
But we were born a louder breed
Barks rolling from our lungs
Hold confidence in swinging hips
In eyes a bluster lit
For locks can claim their causes just
And keep our legs unbit
Though sad to see the chains and gates
For safety comes a cost
Our rolling freedom footfalls worth
All paid in others? loss
[Westerly Uncertainty]
To Vernice strode, beloved, quote
Gypsies, release me this curse
The world weighs down the ones
Caught walking underneath
And shoulders strong can crack along
The ridges left by bricks
Instead of trying to carry me home
Just hold me close beside
With caution calm and palm to palm
We?ll stumble over branches
And break our knees together
So matching casts our consciousness
Can mend these fractured fortunes
Futures welded warmest chance
With coldest calculations
[North-bound Breakspeed]
So Stickney stretched for miles on but only feet for us
Before the train had roared across to carry
Things we?d never get to see to places
We?d never find the time to visit
And left us running next to it
In the opposite direction
And running
Parallel
We could almost
Catch up
But then
We fell back
Again
And
Were
Almost
Moving
Back
Wards...................................It
Took....................................Us
An..................................Entire
Train?s...........................Length
To......................................Go
........................................Just
........................................Two
....................................Blocks
......................With heavy wind
.................Resistance pressing
.........Against our faces, throats
......And arms until it sped, sped
Up and left us to move at our own speed again
Time travel is dangerous for the inexperienced
But we, we tame minutes with meticulous
Methods developed in the most secret of ways
Running next to the trains and raising our voices,
?Let not this slipping second buck me from my well-earned seat,
This saddle lashed across the back of concepts abstract,
Atop a minute molded of pure activity!?
[Eastern Optimism]
At Gibson?s end came small surrenders
In the form of a chain-link fence
And a gate with locks clicked tightly closed
In an intimidating click-clack dance
?This gate! This gate!?
I used to cry
When it towered high above my head,
?Some day I swear I?ll be strong enough
To rip it right off of its stand!?
And now just a well-placed shoulder nudge
Could rob it of its vertical might
But if I tore it down now,
If I let us all out,
I?d be dealing us a terrible slight
Because, unburdened, the ones here now
What could they hope to do?
With no gate to smash,
No cage to shake,
They?d have no goal of breaking through
No, for now, this bastard stands
With his wind-rattled icy glare
For I know now
What I couldn?t have guessed,
That it holds not the ones who leave it there
So grow with a rust-lusty sense of sickness
At the Gate that holds us in
And when you?re strong enough to knock it down
You?ll join in knowing how weak it is.
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-EC
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I love it!
-EC
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Is there a guitar part?
Or maybe a tune, unless it's a talking blues?
Seems like it's meant to be performed...
--Rigel
Nope, I can't play or read music. I guess you could put it to Ryan Harvey's "Talkin' Talkin' Blues" tune, though-
"If you're tired of corporate oppression,
Or tired of fancy chord progressions,
Just write a talkin' song...
'Cause talkin' songs are easy, friends,
It's G, C, D, then G again,
With those three, you can't go wrong..."
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Welcome back, Codey.
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Thanks, guys!
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Yeah, I'm all for artistic license, but if you're going to call it non-fiction, you can't make stuff up. Call it "based on a true story" or "semi-autobiographical" or something - that's why those phrases were invented.
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Thanks, everybody! :D
the Abdomen-Weasel of Insecurity
Haha. I like it, but he looks a bit cheerful to burrow into your abdomen. I'll admit, I pictured the Weasel looking a bit more like this:
Write faster, dammit. :) :) :)But if I do it now, all the guys'll make that whip-cracking gesture...
But I guess, since you said the magic word ("dammit"?), I'll get to work.
-EC
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Hold Fast to the Grass, Child; the Earth Always Spins (June '04)
With three days gained and a new pair of shoes
Started moving for a reason to find a reason to move
To find a place, a thing, a person, job, jail, self-respect
With a map of sympathetic squats and songs to speed the steps
Thought I?d leave no trail to follow, let no one find my clues
As I crossed the country whistling songs
and writing ramblin? blues
Met a man stopped on I-seven-five, his tires had run flat
Said his name was not important and nor was mine, at that
Said ?It?s plain dangerous to just be walking around,
We need aluminum armor, we need tires on the ground,
We need cylinders, brakes and fossil fuels.?
A man stopped on I-seven-five
taught me the ramblin? blues
Went to sleep when it turned dark, lay hidden in the dirt
Woke up before the sun arose, a spider on my shirt.
I said ?Excuse me, sir, could you move your legs??
He said ?I stayed too long here, anyway.
But thanks for not just slapping me off, like most people do to you
When you?re an arachnid on the road,
spinning out the ramblin? blues.?
Found a freight train headed out so I shrugged and climbed inside
Found out I wasn?t first young man to try to hitch this ride
Found a dozen more all sitting around talking
Making plans, taking breaks from walking
One held a switchblade, one a gun, so I guess I had to choose
Do I try to fight, try to run,
or do I tell ?em my ramblin? blues?
As things turned out, they were ramblin?, too
And always glad to add another man to their crew
They were cruisin? around, singing ?We Shall Not Be Moved?
Because when it came to protest, it was a simple tune
And the suits with the guns didn?t seem to mind, and they seemed to tip well, too
Dropping quarters into hats and shaking their heads
at their rendition of the ramblin? blues.
Took my leave to head on out, feet kicking on the road again
When I met a serpent on the sidewalk with a lisp a shifty grin
He said, ?Don?t tense up, kid, I?m not looking to fight.?
And as I lowered my guard, he took a bite
So as he crept away I felt a sting creeping from my shoes
The venom burning in my legs
to end my ramblin? blues.
Well, I was numb from the hips on down,
It was looking like I wouldn?t get back to town
So I stepped out to the road and raised my thumb up to the sky.
And who should stop but the man I?d met stranded on I-seven-five.
He said ?What?d I tell you, son, you?re a fool.
Now hop in back and close your eyes
try to dream up some ramblin? blues.?
The Nurse said that logically I should?ve been dead
That I was lucky that the venom didn?t reach my head
And asked me where I wanted to go.
I shook my head and raised my hands, in a gesture said ?I don?t know.?
?How about some place,? She said, ?where the snakes can?t get to you??
And that sounded nice, to get back home
and close my ramblin? blues.
When I got home and told the family about
All the people I?d met, all the things I?d found out,
Grandma looked around and said ?What?d I say?
I knew the kid?d find out on his own some day,
That the Earth spins, child, and the soil is loose
So hold fast to the grass with both of your hands
or you?ll feel those ramblin? blues.?
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An English professor was reading "The Canterbury Tales" to his class and noticed that a student had fallen asleep. Annoyed, he sent the book spinning through the hair and bouncing off the student's head. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.
"That," the professor replied, "was a flying Chaucer."
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Great job, Graeme (and editor/s)!
Like WBMS said, I wasn't expecting an ending just yet, but you nailed it.
And congrats again for writing a story that doesn't follow the typical structure. Laughing at danger and breaking all the rules and such. That means you get to strut around tossing your head back in defiance. :glasses2:
-EC
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New chapter! Yeah! Great stuff, Ube - keep it up!
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Yes- Chris is a master of descriptive setting and tone. Those of us of a certain age feel like we were there because we were.
And those of us of a different age feel as though we had been.
FreeThinker stories always make me want to raid my parents' Phil Ochs and Left Banke collections.
Anomalies is great so far. It makes me wish I was better at writing feedback.
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A man sees an advertisement for adult education classes at the local community college. It sounds like a good opportunity, so he decides to sign up for a class. Seeking advice on what class he should register for, he asks the college counselor. The counselor suggests starting out with a basic logic course, as it would set a good foundation for critical thinking.
"What's logic?" He asks.
"Well, it's using what you know to assess and make sense of certain situations."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"Yes."
"Well, using logic, I could reasonably assume that since you own a weed-whacker, you have a lawn."
"I do."
"And since you have a lawn, it wouldn't be unreasonable for me to assume that you have a house."
"That's right."
"Since you're a home-owner, I could guess, reasonably, that you are married."
"Hey, I am!"
"And since you're married, I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
"That's right."
"So, you see, simply by your telling me that you own a weed-whacker, I used logic to deduce your sexuality."
"You know, that's pretty cool. I think I will take that logic class."
Later that day, his friend asks him what class he signed up for.
"Logic," he says.
"What's that?"
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"No."
"What!? You never told me you were gay!"
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To Coats I?ve Lost, Jobs I?ve Quit, Trains I?ve Missed, and Songs I Don?t Remember How to Play
Left it piled on a bus seat with the zipper stuck halfway.
It was blue and yellow nylon from a charity box
Outgrown five years ago but never thrown away
Until now, that snagged zipper the last straw
More straightjacket than windbreaker
And the lining was worn out, scratchy and coarse.
Shimmied free with groans and swears
And left five years of semi-warmth behind.
Cold-shouldered liberation, but a long walk home in the snow.
Handed Boss-Lady my rented gear and said
?This isn?t going to work,? when I meant to say
?You?re the worst human being I?ve ever met.?
The man who trained me did bad Nicholson impressions
And told me on the first day,
?Most jobs ain?t as bad as this one.
You should probably quit and find one that?s decent.?
It was two days before I took his advice
And I heard that he quit a week after that.
I?ve never really hopped a train
Never traveled by rail, thumb, or ship
Always scared to take the risks
But I drive a car on streets packed with ice and others
And sometimes I?ll see a gap in the guardrail
Where someone else broke though and fell fifty feet
And think ?If only he would have hopped a train instead.?
Sometimes I?ll walk to work because I care about the Earth
But that?s just the lie I tell myself when I can?t afford gas.
I can?t play any musical instruments any more.
Schools tried to teach me violin and recorder
Friends tried to teach me drums and guitar
And I used to know how to sing and play
?Mary Had a Little Lamb? little lamb little lamb
But I can?t remember a single note.
Can?t read sheet music or tablatures
And my singing voice is like the strangled howls
Of a cat in heat falling into a pile of thumbtacks.
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Thanks, everybody! :D
I've got finals next week, so the next chapter won't be done until some time after that. But not too long after that.
Scan to donate
LAIKA by Elecivil
in Readers Rule!
Posted
Whoa, really? Heh. I forgot about that.
Excuses, eh? Yeah, I got excuses.
First, this dude moved in with me, so I've been busy with all of that stuff.
Plus midterm tests/projects in all my classes.
BUT!
Chapter six is done. As well as a chunk of seven. I want to go through and edit it before I send it in, but it's done, and I'm happy with it. I ended up doing an almost complete re-write from the first draft. Draws heavilly on my experiences as a lyricist-for-hire, but not close enough to be "semi-autobiographical" or anything.