EleCivil
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Posts posted by EleCivil
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I'll second the Little Brown Handbook. I've got the 5th edition. Currently the only reference book with a seat of honor next to my PC, and the only required text that I didn't sell back to the school. I pull this sucker out for every paper I write, and it hasn't failed me yet.
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Part two was even better than the first. The whole scene with James and the cereal...classic.
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Yesterday was supposed to be one of those few days when I don?t have to go to work or school. In preparation, I spent the previous night doing what anyone would do ? staying out until four in the morning, losing and then subsequently winning back my shirt in high-stakes games of Super Mario Brothers. Alright, so maybe it wasn?t what anyone would do, but it seemed smart at the time.
Cut to about six this morning. I get a call from work, saying ?Hey, we know you?ve never gotten any training in it, but we need you to be a trucking dispatcher for the rest of the day.? Now, my usual job has nothing to do with trucking and less to do with dispatching, but I was stuck ? I was the only one available to take over.
They hand me a two radios, a phone, an intercom, and a sheet of instructions written in a bunch of trucking jargon that I still haven?t deciphered. My ?training? lasted about five minutes, and consisted of someone who doesn?t work there attempting to tell me what the people who do work there want me to do. He didn?t do a very good job of it. The main thing, though, was that I had to speak in code. ?Code? What code?? I ask. ?I don't know. Figure it out, college boy.? He replies. Luckilly, there were some (slightly out-dated) code books hidden in a drawer under a few old copies of Guns & Ammo, Feild & Stream, and such.
So I try to get going, not really knowing what the hell is going on. Now I?m talking into two different radios, using two separate, but similar code languages. Like, ?10-7? in one radio means ?I?m going off duty?, while ?10-7? in the other radio means ?You?re talking too loud, please lower your voice?, so if I get them mixed up, I could completely screw things over. Then I overhear this exchange on the radio:
Girl: Who the hell?s on dispatch?
Guy: ?I dunno, some new young guy.?
Girl: ?Well, he?s sending trucks to the wrong side of the state.?
Guy: ?Oh, for god?s sake??
Other Girl: ?Pick it up, guys ? we can?t slow down just because the new guy doesn?t know what he?s doing.?
Me: ?Uh?10-4??
So?long story short, if anyone ordered something through UPS, FedEx, Wal-Mart?or, well, pretty much any of the big trucking companies in Ohio and it?s getting in late, it?s probably my fault. Sorry, guys.
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Hahaha, that was great.
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Jeez, drop a few (dozen) eggs around here and all of a sudden you're not to be trusted with tossable objects.
...The one on the knife might be good advice, though.
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Loved the new chapter. The opening scene...and then that part at the end...and, you know, all that stuff in the middle. But especially the end - Ethan's thoughts as he's going to Urges. Powerful stuff.
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A blonde woman walks into a chain pharmacy. Looking around, she realizes that the store has done some re-arranging, and that she no longer knows where to find what she is looking for. She gets the attention of one of the employees.
"Can I help you find something, ma'am?" He asks.
"Yes," She says, "I'm looking for the rectal deodorant."
"Er...what kind of deodorant was that?" He's certain he misheard her.
"Rectal."
"Um, ma'am, I don't believe we carry that."
"This is where I always buy it."
The employee is perplexed. He's responsible for stocking and taking inventory, and he's never seen anything like that.
"Maybe I'll recognize it once I see it. Do you have the container with you?"
"Oh, you know, I think I might." She feels around in her purse for a moment before pulling out a stick of deodorant and handing it to the employee.
He looks it over, and hands it back to her. "Ma'am, this is regular underarm deodorant."
"No, this is rectal deodorant. See?" She holds the stick up and points to the back, where there are directions printed. In small, but legible print, it reads "Push up bottom".
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I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I'd try to stall him until the authorities showed up.
"Don't jump!" I said.
"Why not?" he said. "Nobody loves me."
"God loves you," I said. "You believe in God, don't you?"
"Yes, I believe in God," he said.
"Good," I said. "Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"
"Protestant," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "What kind of Protestant?"
"Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
"Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Arminian Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Auugghh!!! You heretic!" I said. And I pushed him over.
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The new chapter was great, Graeme. Resolving one cliff-hanger and then slapping us with another? Sadist!
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Wow, thanks for all the feedback, guys!
I got the idea for this story when I realized that I hadn't worn matching socks in over two years (though not for the sake of revolution). From that, I got the opening scene, and everything else just grew from there.
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I always did like romantic necrophilia, A Rose For Emily is one of my favorite short stories.
Weird, I just read that a couple days ago.
*Literature-nerd high-five*
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You managed to turn a decaying nympho-zombie into a romantic sympathetic figure, AND held on to meter and rhyme the entire way through. Maaan...I'm impressed. Great work.
And "Some Enchanted Evening" is still awesome.
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WHAT? Excuse me? He was trying to make a political sub-section of Cam's chest?
That's right. A political sub-section. He was planning on calling it Camhattan, and making it a flourishing business district. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 8-[
Hahahaha...man, I didn't notice that one. I don't have an editor, so I made a lot of those kind of mistakes. I even went an entire chapter calling a character by the wrong name at one point (I sent the Dude a corrected version of this, but the Nifty version still has it).
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http://www.ps260.com/molly/SHINING%20FINAL.mov
A trailer for The Shining...sort of.
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Dad: You know, I was always against circumcision.
Me: So how come I'm...
Dad: *Nods toward Mom*
Mom: They said it was for hygine. And after all, it's such a little thing-
Me: Hey!
Mom: No, I didn't mean THAT...I mean...never mind.
True story. Not sure how we ended up on that topic in the first place, but maaaaan...awkward.
I always kind of wondered about whose bright idea it was in the first place. You know, who was the first guy to look at it and think "You know what? I think I'm going to lop off a piece of that." Was he drunk? Did he lose a bet? Was his wife really, really angry? I mean, I can understand some people wanting it done for the medical issues once they've been discussed, but for that first guy, it must have been something major.
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Collected steps like leaves pulled softly
Spade-shaped, breath and shirt-sleeve shined
Pressed between hardcover pages
Lashed with lies like ?Love is blind?,
Plans to shuffle, straggle, drift,
And maps to those left long behind,
Socks soaked through from blisters broken
Sweat in songs to draw the flies.
Woke along a highway, coughing
Lips caked thick with dust and grins
Streetlights stretched black ribbons west
To slink from where the day begins
And westward, then, two heels clicking,
Crickets changing paths on shins,
And eastern treasons, earlobes licking,
Stretched across to catch the winds.
Kept pace along with traffic, waving
Swirled the dirt to match the breeze
City sidewalks, street signs blushing
Souls and soles in union beat
Rhythms rising, ?cross the paths
Long beaten to the dust beneath
To wake away, some hours gone
Where no one knows which name to speak.
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Heh, could this have something to do with that "Flying Spaghetti Monster" page? (I'm too lazy to google it again. Hint.)
Nah, Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day was around before FSMism.
Three years ago, a friend and I dressed as pirates and sailed a cardboard boat down the busiest street in town on TLAP Day. Tragically, all the pictures were lost in a hard drive crash.
This year, though, we've recruited a good ten more people. We're thinking pirate v. ninja fight in a grocery store parking lot. Bound to be the best Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day yet. :pirate:
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I don't use an editor, either...which, combined with the way most of my writing happens around three in the morning explains the glaring continuity errors and such. ;)
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Yaaaarrrg, that seems so obvious.
I used to use "used to", but now I'll use "formerly".
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"I used to drive my ..."
This "used to" usage DRIVES ME NUTS.
Alright, I'll plead ignorance on this one. I know that's wrong, but what's the alternative?
I used to think that "used to" could be used that way.
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Thanks for the comments, everybody.
BTW- any chance of a sequel featuring Jerry?Eh...probably not. I don't really see a sequel happening. Maybe I'll get inspired at some point in the future, but for now, I'm leaving L&L where it lies. It's funny, though - everybody who writes asking about a sequel always suggests that it should star Jerry.
Hurry with the new story to repair my sense of loss.Indeed, sir. Flexing my typin' fingers as we speak.
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Looks like the next chapter's going to be delayed. I don't want to rush this one. No worries, just wanted to let you know it might be a few more days.
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This is such a great story. Had me hooked from the start. Keep it up, JJ-P.
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I wonder if it's bad luck to end a story at chapter 13.
Anyway, it's official - I work better with deadlines. And since I'm done with school for a little while, I'm going to try this again:
Next (and final) chapter by this time next week.
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EXOTHERMIC REACTION by TR
in Readers Rule!
Posted
Great story, TR. Loved all the chemical definitions, and the part about how there's "nobody lazier than a bunch of genius kids" was perfect.
Man, I should have taken honors instead of basic chemistry. We never had any supply-closet makeout sessions. But, since I got stuck at the burnout table (people seem to always think I'm high on something... :roll:), I did end up listening to endless "Sex v. Robitussin Trip" debates. I forget which side won.