Between Dreams 3

[bilal]

 

 

[Cole Parker]

Bilal:

I started to look at this and quickly saw how badly it needed editing.  Then I looked at how long it was—almost 5,000 words—and how much editing it would take—a lot—and decided to just provide some unsolicited advice.  Well, as this is at the Bullpen, I guess the advice is solicited.

The structure of this makes it hard to read.  There are no spaces between paragraphs, something that is usually done with online stories, and not even are the new paragraphs indented, which is another thing that makes reading easier.  The presentation of the story matters.  People aren't going to read something that isn't attractive from the beginning.  This piece could use some work separating the paragraphs to make the reading more enticing.

Another important factor: you want to catch the reader's attention quickly.  How many stories have you started and, if the first paragraph or even sentence doesn't grab you, you've just gone on to something else?  That's a problem here.  This is your first sentence:

The noise of the front door closing made them break the kiss Shandy, looking a bit concerned asked?

This isn't gong to attract many readers as written.  It really shouldn't have a question mark as it isn't a question, and it actually isn't even a complete sentence.  So as far as being grabbed by the first sentence or paragraph, this too needs work.  How about:

The noise of the front door closing made them break the kiss.  Shandy, looking a bit concerned, asked, “Is that your brother and sister back from the shops?”

Now that isn't so bad, is it?  You kind of want to know the answer to the question.

My advice would be to go through what you've written and self-edit it before looking for an editor to help you with it.  Right now it's too rough, and you can certainly fix a lot of it with a little work.  Writing isn't just throwing words on the page.  It's then working those words into something that sings.

C

 

question mark as it isn't a question, and it actually isn't even a complete sentence.  So as far as b

[bilal]

18 minutes ago, Cole Parker said:

Bilal:

I started to look at this and quickly saw how badly it needed editing.  Then I looked at how long it was—almost 5,000 words—and how much editing it would take—a lot—and decided to just provide some unsolicited advice.  Well, as this is at the Bullpen, I guess the advice is solicited.

The structure of this makes it hard to read.  There are no spaces between paragraphs, something that is usually done with online stories, and not even are the new paragraphs indented, which is another thing that makes reading easier.  The presentation of the story matters.  People aren't going to read something that isn't attractive from the beginning.  This piece could use some work separating the paragraphs to make the reading more enticing.

Another important factor: you want to catch the reader's attention quickly.  How many stories have you started and, if the first paragraph or even sentence doesn't grab you, you've just gone on to something else?  That's a problem here.  This is your first sentence:

The noise of the front door closing made them break the kiss Shandy, looking a bit concerned asked?

This isn't gong to attract many readers as written.  It really shouldn't have a question mark as it isn't a question, and it actually isn't even a complete sentence.  So as far as being grabbed by the first sentence or paragraph, this too needs work.  How about:

The noise of the front door closing made them break the kiss.  Shandy, looking a bit concerned, asked, “Is that your brother and sister back from the shops?”

Now that isn't so bad, is it?  You kind of want to know the answer to the question.

My advice would be to go through what you've written and self-edit it before looking for an editor to help you with it.  Right now it's too rough, and you can certainly fix a lot of it with a little work.  Writing isn't just throwing words on the page.  It's then working those words into something that sings.

C

 

question mark as it isn't a question, and it actually isn't even a complete sentence.  So as far as b

 

[bilal]

As the story was so badly written decided to delete it