DLMD, chapter 4

[aj]

I'm a big fan of this tale. Some of the writing - hell, most all of it - is beautifully and lyrically voiced, even as the tale itself is hard and gritty and difficult. It's a damn hard combination to pull off, but simon does it seemingly effortlessly.

So why did I have so much trouble with chapter 4? In another thread, Desdownunder talked about the 'fast edit technique' of cinematography, and how that technique interprets into the written word, and how it is very, very difficult to use it successfully in a movie so that it supports the plot and characterization, rather than appearing 'gimmicky.' I think that was the problem here - the images are too fragmented, too disparate in the moments that they portray, and not sufficiently thematically linked to be successful. I think I understand the intent of the chapter: to portray the strange and chaotic rollercoaster ride that Harbor's life has become since meeting and falling in love with Brody (and kudos to Simon on choosing that particular name for the protagonist - Harbor is indeed Brody's safe haven of normalcy in a life that is far, far outside the norm that most of us live in), but I think that the chapter is not cohesive enough to manage that successfully.

What I would suggest is this: choose about half of these moments, and make them the ones that have some thematic link. Develope them to the point that the linking theme is obvious, remembering that the reader knows a lot less about the story than the author. Present them in the form of flashback memory, rather than a series of 'right now' moments, with a frame tale of, perhaps, Harbor lying in bed with a sleeping Brody and remembering the events of the last week/days, etc. I know...this won't have the 'cutting edge' feel to it that the choppiness of the current chapter has, but I think it will make it a much more satisfying read.

Looking forward to the next chapter, as always.

cheers!

aj

[Bruin Fisher]

I'm a big fan of this tale

I might be, too. What tale?

DLMD.... Down Low with Mike and Dave? Derek Loves My D***? Does Lucy Mind Dogs?

Oh, the clue's that the author's name is Simon something. Elementary, my dear Watson: just look on the AD front page at the list of in progress novels and we find:

Don't Let Me Down by Simon Jimenez

Bruin

[The Pecman]

Yeah, I think AJ is dead-on. The writing that's there is excellent, but I think the choppy nature of the structure is too showy and gets in the way. This is a rare case where I wish the author had expanded what's there and had given us more detail, and actually made this chapter longer.

No question, the guy's got talent. I'll definitely put this one on my reading list.