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Atop A Wall


Codey

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Atop A Wall

a poem by Codey

I once stood atop a wall

then the falling, the shifting realities

feeling lost, my world turned upside down

seeking a safe port midst swirling storms

a new world born at the death of the old

alone in the chaos, I've nowhere to run

wandering through clouding mists

battling shifting shades

seeking a new reality in an unreal world

glimpsing fleeting flashes of hope

grasping for those illusive flashes

absorbing new loves and strengths

I remember the life atop that wall

the wall once a pathway to my future

now an obstacle

blocking me

trapping me

holding me

in a bitter web of dreams

surrounded by shards

shattered pieces of my past

through a crack

I hear

laughing children with glad voices

I see

playing children with smiling faces

I feel

the warmth of a new happiness

denied me by unwanted memories

Arms upraised

stretching

reaching

seeking

a niche

a finger hold of stability

a place of rest and rebuilding

emotions rampant

uncontrolled

uncontrollable

yet controlling

fed by simmering rage

hidden

insidious

threatening my tenuous finger hold

Inching

forward and upward

rescaling the wall

attempting to reclaim my rightful place

frustrated at the pace

angered at regressions and mis-steps

but with progress,

encouraged

by love freely given

and strengths gladly shared

What awaits me atop the wall?

What new world will I find?

A mosaic?

Formed with shards and pieces?

What replaces the unsalvageable?

A world no better but no worse?

A world no happier but no less happy?

What was the purpose?

What was it all about?

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Hey codeyspen,

That's better than before.

You've gone through something most people aren't strong enough for, physically or spiritually. But you are overcoming it and getting stronger, and you have a lot that makes you unique and special.

You've found a way toward light and happiness together with friends and loved ones. You're finding new people and new ways to have fun and enjoy things. That's great.

What replaces the unsalvageable?

A world no better but no worse?

A world no happier but no less happy?

What was the purpose?

What was it all about?

You know, if Nick Nurse were on here more often, I think he might give some advice from Buddhist thought. Buddhists have a different view of dealing with life's problems, especially adversity or pain. They say that instead of conquering or going *over* pain or problems, that we get *through* them and allow them to flow or pass through us and around us. They say we find our center, our peace, and then we let go of the things that trouble us. We move through them like water, accepting them as obstacles and learning from the lessons as we go through them.

I won't claim you can replace who and what you've lost. You will have more and more new loved ones and new solutions, maybe even some healing. Alright, so your life and yourself are very different than before. But you still have the mind and heart to write and learn and love and have fun. You are still you. Try not to focus on the not there. That's the past, like your sig. line says. Build something new to be there instead.

I struggle with it too, Codey. Those what-if's can get mighty big and scary. So maybe they are the wrong questions, the wrong angles, to look at to find the solutions. You might just need a fresh perspective, like when you're hanging around ;) and listening to some tunes.

I can't really know what I might have been like if any of several things had turned out differently. Would I be better or worse off? Would I be the same? Too different? Would I be here at all? Why? What IF? -- I don't know. It's not something I can know. -- I suspect I'd still be me, just a slightly different me.

Did you ever see a puppy chase his tail? He'll spin around and around in circles, chasing that tail. He'll make himself dizzy and bump into things to catch that tail. Once in a while, he'll even catch that tail! He'll growl at it and maybe nip it and, youch! That hurt! He hurt himself trying to catch his own tail. Poor silly mutt, he didn't realize the dang thing was his own tail, all connected.

We need to stop chasing our tails and quit worrying about the questions for which there is no answer. Instead, we've got to ask different questions and look forward and live our present lives, going toward that bright future.

Every once in a while, you and I may need a nudge to remind us of that.

Meanwhile, try chasing someone else's tail, it's bound to be more satisfying. In your case, chase Champ's tail or have him chase yours. And every so often, pop a wheelie or ride a toboggan, just for grins.

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Passive,

Thanx dude, that's one of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten. I try to make my poems understandable, with out causing brain freeze, so more people will enjoy them. I tend to get lost in a lot of poetry too so I try to write the way I enjoy reading........Codey

Blue.....gonna be a while before the next tobaggon ride.....my sled is as stiff and sore as it's rider today LOL Thanks for the post. More to think about...definete brain freeze in the near future LOL.....Codey

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I got what you were saying, Passive. Codey's poem was good AND easy to understand. Frankly, when it comes to poems, I usually find them to have more impact when heard rather than read from a page.

Two of Gabe Duncan's poems which he recorded and sent to me and which are posted in the Poet's Corner in text AND audio, came alive when read in his own voice.

Codey... how about recording some of your poems? I'd be glad to post the sound files along with the text files in Poets' Corner with Nick & Gabe's (moderators) permission.

:smt034

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