Irene

[Cole Parker]

Internet Outages from Hurricane Could Force People to Interact with Other People, Officials Warn

FEMA: Prepare for Unwanted Eye Contact, Awkward Silences

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – As Hurricane Irene prepared to batter the East Coast of the United States, federal disaster officials warned that Internet outages caused by the storm could force people to interact with other people for the first time in years.

News of the possible interpersonal interactions created panic up and down the coast as residents braced themselves for the horror of awkward silences and unwanted eye contact.

And as officials warned people in the hurricane zone to stay indoors, residents feared the worst: conversations with members of their immediate family.

At the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA chief Craig Fugate offered these words of advice for those who may be forced into direct contact with other human beings: “Be prepared. Write down possible topics to talk about in advance. Sports is a good one, and of course the weather. Remember, a conversation is basically a series of Facebook updates strung together.”

He also offered these words of hope for those trapped interacting with other people due to an Internet outage: “At some point, the wifi will go back on, and hopefully you won’t have to go through anything like this again for a long, long time.”

In a related story, the Rev. Pat Robertson said the best way to prepare for Hurricane Irene is not being gay.

[Merkin]

Since I live quite close to the coast I took Rev. Robertson's advice and shucked my gayness. This has had the additional benefit of providing me with a conversational topic that I feel I can use indefinitely with my family, friends, and neighbors. Also, I now have no fear of eye contact, since my eyes are protected by eyeglasses. (If any of you anticipate eye contact with another person I urge you to use protection.)