It always takes me a lot of time to make or implement plans/decisions, especially when it would make a mark on my life where people stop and ask "what's that?" I believe that there are only two kinds of plan: the one where I change my course, whether for the good or the bad, and the one where I just stay in the same track that my life had been running on since forever. Planning is just a simple thing of seeing which one would yield greater results. Nothing hard there. And yet, it still takes me months.
I spend half the time thinking not if plan A would make me rich but if my folks would approve it. I don't want to be like that. I mean no disrespect but I just have to live my life the way I want to. I really don't want to care what they say, but the fact that they're my parents makes their opinion matter. I don't know if this would make sense: I believe their opinion matters, but I dont care. I mean, I'm already an adult now -- well, of legal age, anyway -- but as a Filipino, that doesn't mean anything. I have to do whatever they think I should do. If I don't, I'm going to be seen as a disobedient son. I'm going to be an ungrateful son, someone who never saw what his mother went through giving birth to him. Regardless if I made a good decision, I'll still be an ingrate.
And that's just it. I really don't care anymore if my parents think I'm an ungrateful son. I can deal with two persons. BUT. They've got the whole world behind them. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating, but that's how it feels like. I could just hear my relatives talk behind my back about the kind of person I am. I could just see their friends shaking their heads at the black sheep. I don't want to care what they think about me, but I do. I want to turn it off. I want to be able to say "fuck you, this is my life!" But I also want to hear some approval there.
I guess that's where I'm at fault. Wanting approval, or maybe just a little acceptance. If they'll just concede a little that I can decide on my own without their approval, I'll be ok. I mean, if ever they oppose something I want to do, I could point out that fact. But my parents are just not like that.
And so I spend the other half of the time thinking if I could take their anger (or whatever it is they want to give me). Because while I don't care what they do, they really could still do things that could drive me over the edge. I've already made my decision. In fact, I've already implemented it without their knowledge. I'm gonna tell them next week.
Really, I don't care anymore what my parents think, but I just can't take on the whole world.