I was digging through some stuff the other day and I came across a notebook from my sophomore year in high school. It contained a play that I wrote for Drama class, which was banned from being performed because...well, it's excessively violent, sacrilegious, and it didn't have enough parts for the whole class. But, hey, if you're interested in seeing some of my earliest recorded work, read on. Reproduced for the first time since 10th grade...
Sergio the Pope
::The Pope's office. The Pope is getting ready to give a speech. Bill, the Pope's assistant, is assisting.::
Pope: Is my hat on straight, Bill? I've got to look my best for this. Today is the day that I finally announce the big news: that I am, in fact, Catholic.
Bill: Thereby making that sarcastic expression about the topic much more valid.
Pope: Exactly. Now, I-
::The Pope gasps for air, clutches his chest, and falls over.::
Bill: Good Lord! He's dead! No...this can't happen. If people found out, the ensuing power struggle would lead to a bloodbath!
::Bill conceals the Pope's body under a pile of leaves.::
Bill: There. Now that he's camouflaged, all we need is a replacement Pope.
::Enter Serio, sneaking by with a loot bag over his shoulder, his back to Bill. Bill taps him on the shoulder, causing him to jump and drop the bag. Expensive looking things spill out.::
Bill: Who the hell are you? What are you doing in the Vatican?
Sergio: Blast! Captured! How could I, Sergio, King of all Pirates, get spotted by a lowly assistant! My reputation is ruined!
Bill: Hmm...pirate king, you say? So you're used to giving speeches to the other pirates, right?
Sergio: Well, I do perform some stand-up comedy at the annual pirate convention in Texas.
Bill: Good enough. I've got a proposition for you...your holiness.
Bill: I want you to take the place of the Pope. In return, I won't turn you in, and you'll get to maintain your reputation as pirate king.
Sergio: But I can't be the Pope! I slept through Latin!
Bill: Just fake it!
Sergio: Isn't lying a sin?
Bill: What's it matter to you? You're going to hell, anyway.
Sergio: Fair enough. I'll do it!
::Curtain closes - opens on The Pope waking up in his office and turning on the TV.::
Reporter: On the lighter side of the news, The Pope will be performing his now famous stand-up routine a this years Pirate Convention in Texas. The Pope, seen here swinging in on a chandalier with a cutlass between his teeth, is said to have some all new material in addition to his crowd favorite "What's the deal with Archbishops?" set.
::The Pope turns off the TV::
Pope: An impostor! I'd recognized that Pope anywhere. My old nemesis from my days in the Spanish Fleet...Sergio! 'What's the deal with archbishops,' indeed. I'll show him what the deal is!
::Bill and Sergio enter. The Pope hides behind a chair.::
Bill: So, after the "You might be a Catholic if..." bit, you should probably throw in something like "And by the way, I really am the Pope. I'm definitely not some sort of pirate royalty."
Sergio: But, I am pirate royal- Ohhh...right. To give me some more credibility. I get it.
Bill: Exactly. Ah, here it is.
::Bill picks up the Pope cane and hands it to Sergio. They walk offstage.::
::Curtain closes - opens backstage at PirateCon.::
Bill: Okay, your holiness. This is your time to shine. Show everyone that you're not only the Pope, but that you're the funniest Pope since Pope Cosby the 14th.
::The Pope bursts in::
Sergio: ::gasps:: Captain Victor Raftsbane, pirate of the Blackest Flag!
Pope: Um, no. I'm Pope Mathew Mark Luke the 4th. Or as you may remember me, Admiral Mathew Mark Luke of the Spanish Fleet!
Sergio: Doesn't ring a bell.
Bill: It's the Pope, you idiot! The real Pope!
::Bill shoves Sergio out of the way.::
Bill: Your Holiness! Thank the Lord, you've come back! Now you can replace this fake Pope and things will be set right!
Sergio: Hold it! I have no intention of being replaced! I'll have you know that I enjoy being Pope. I get my dry cleaning done for free, people kneel when I enter rooms, and I can have any woman I desire!
Bill: Um...about that...
Pope: Forget it, Sergio! Now that I'm back, it's simply a matter of exposing you to the public.
Sergio: You can't expose me if you're dead! The truth shall never leave this room!
::Sergio draws his cutlass::
Pope: We both knew it would come to this! On your guard!
::The Pope draws a sword, previously concealed under his robes. Bill hides under a chair.::
Pope: Come on, big man! Pirate King!
Sergio: Arrr! You'll be adorning me blade by the end of the night!
::The two begin sword fight - choreograph fight based on actor's physical abilities::
Pope: Who's your holy father? Who's your holy father?
Sergio: I am Sergio...THE POPE!
::Sergio charges, but the Pope parries and runs him through.::
Pope: HAHA! I did it! I beat the Pirate King! I am the greatest Pope of all time!
::The Pope clutches his chest and falls to his knees, gasping for air.::
Pope: ...I suppose I should have gone to see a doctor after that first heart attack...instead of...swashbuckling...
::The Pope falls over, dead. Bill stands up.::
Bill: Oh no! Now we don't have ANY Popes! And he's supposed to go on any minute! Where am I going to find another Pope on such short notice!
::A 70's-era pimp struts by, spinning his cane::
Bill: Good enough. Excuse me, sir! What's your name?
Pimp: Why, I'm Pimp Daddy McGoose, greatest pimp in all of Texas!
Bill: How would you like to be the Pope?
::Bill offers the pimp the pope hat and cane. The pimp drops his own hat and cane and accepts them, then struts in front of a mirror to admire his new gear.::
Pimp: I can dig it.