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June or Something Like That

Jason Rimbaud


I've been thinking of deleting my Blog.

I just don't feel like writing entries any more. It's like when you suddenly realize you don't need therapy anymore. It's just a waste of money and time if you continue seeing the therapist.

Not that writing these little entries are therapeutic for anyone but myself, though I think I've kept a few of you entertained with my little stories, I think it might be time to retire.

Much like my poetry, I'm just sick of always writing about myself. I want to focus on story telling, write some good fiction, dust off my imagination and follow wherever it goes.

(I'll just ignore the fact that I'm writing this even while saying I'm sick of writing about myself)

What is the purpose of a Blog? To give readers insight into other's lives? Is this somehow enabling the voyeur inside of us?

Hell, my life isn't more interesting than anyone else's, we all have stories to tell. I don't know...I seem to be rambling about nothing.

I do have a few things on my mind though. A few weeks ago, through my own stupidity, I think I hurt/pissed off someone I've really come to respect as a person and even considered a friend. This happened here, at Awesome Dude, and it's been weighing heavily on my mind ever since. We all make stupid comments at times, and we all look at the world differently. I never wanted to hurt this person, though I know I did and even apologized for my actions. But I don't know if my words were heard.

This isn't why I'm thinking about deleting my Blog, just something kicking around my thoughts.

There has been a few incidents over the last few months, here at Awesome Dude, that have left me rather confused. Mainly because I don't understand why people are getting upset because of someone else's opinions, thoughts, or naivet?. I've always believed that the only way I can be offended by someone else's words, is if I allow those words to offend me. If someone says something that I disagree with, I discount those words and move on. If those words are coming from someone a few years younger than myself, than I shrug and forget it, knowing that with time and experience, that person's views will change as he matures and grows.

I think we have forgotten what it was like to be young and filled with an unshakable sense that we know everything. At least I felt that way when I was young. And with time, I now realize just how stupid I really was back in the day.

I don't know, something seems to be missing lately. It's not the arguing on the forums, or the difference in opinion, those I find entertaining, this is something else. I feel like I've become disconnected with Awesome Dude. Much like I felt with Gay Authors, though to be truthful, I don't think I ever gave GA a real chance. Maybe it was being a small fish in a large pond, or maybe because GA is a bit clickish. Yet I could say the same thing here at Awesome Dude. But is it really being clickish if only a small group actually participate while the rest sits back and lurks?

With every group of friends, over time they develop certain jokes, behaviors that a new person might not understand at first. This isn't being clickish, just familiarity. Being clickish is only if a group of people refuse to include others and I don't think Awesome Dude has that problem. Neither does GA in my opinion.

What does this have to do with anything? I don't know.

I still feel like deleting my Blog, I'm still a bit confused why I feel disconnected here at Awesome Dude, and I don't know what to do about Mark.

Mark, the bane of my happiness it seems. How can a reasonably intelligent man, like myself, fail to disassociate himself from a bad relationship? It's not bad as in violent, it's just bad as in he can't figure out what the fuck he wants and i can't figure out why the fuck I allow him to remain in my life. Believe me, it's not just about the sex, it's great, and it's not because I don't want to be alone, I don't, there is something about this man that drives me completely and utterly insane. Is this what love feels like?

If I do delete this Blog, I'll probably regret it. There are times I love rambling on about nonsense shit. I like the fact that people like to read my nonsense shit. What I don't like about it, it's all about me. Maybe if I could write about someone else, then it wouldn't seem like such a chore. But then I'd probably get jealous that someone else was getting all the attention.

It's been a while since I had vacation, and I'm started to feel a bit thin. With my new promotion, my faltering relationship, and my several relapses, I feel a bit fragile. If I can't handle the stress now, how can I hope to maintain my sobriety after the new restaurant opens?

It's Father's Day, and boy do I have a few things to say about that prick. I hope you're burning in hell you piece of shit rat bastard.

Moving on...

Mark left a few hours ago, we talked and had a bit of fun in the bed. I don't feel dirty though I do feel a bit used. I wonder how Mark feels right now? Sometimes I forget the twenty years of brainwashing he has to suffer through just being with me. I've forgotten the self loathing that must be battering his mind even as his lust burns in his veins. Maybe we both do deserve each other.



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Jason, I would like to give you a cyber hug ... not in empathy, but in respect for the wonderful soul-bearing that you have written in this blog entry. Many of your sentiments are certainly shared by many -- not only here at AD, but in many web communities all over the world. Feeling "in" and feeling "uncertain as to how much one actually is a part of a cyber community, and the personal costs" is a fantastic story or novel theme I should think. I have also (as you can see) deleted my blog contents and started over. It is refreshing to clear out the "old", and to just upload poetry and short literary texts, when I feel for it ... and without commentary. All literature involves a good deal of one's Self, even though the characters and situations are fictionalized. Like it has been said about dreams: the dreamer is actually a part of every personality and character in his/her dream.Posting much of your personal life progressions on a blog can be "therapeutic", and it can become a "rut" sometimes. Posting your feelings, experiences, questions etc. through literature is a fantastic way of sharing one's growth and changing perceptions with others. In your blog you can experiment with short forms like poetry, you can showcase things you have written before or are still working on, and you can delete them or change them as you wish.Regarding arguments and assertions on the forums and blogs, I feel that the cyber community is by nature too difficult to deal with many questions in depth or seriously. Largely because there are always reasons that one has certain opinions which are experience-based, fear-based, culture-based or because of personal challenges -- and these things do not come adequately forward. You have a very "rich" talent for expressing your life experiences and feelings. That is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for an artist / author. Discussions, arguments, debates etc. are sometimes interesting and sometimes tiring. In the end I have but one question and one interest: "where is the art ?!!" xoxoadam

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By all means, removed your blog, and blog entries, if you must, but please, learn from my mistake, and save them all somewhere. I removed mine, in anger, thinking to deprive the world of my pearls of wisdom and coals of shame, but instead, I've deprived myself of them. The world goes on, not noticing, and I go on, missing them. Yes, I actually read them again, at times, and could feel the progression in myself, my ability to see more clearly, to deal more effectively with issues in my life. Those reference points are now gone. I'm sure I'm still advancing in a forward direction, but I need a new set of marker points, and I miss the old. It is also this steady advance in my dealings with my challenges that makes me realise that I outgrow areas in my life. You feel that you may not really belong at AD. This may well be because you have grown somewhat beyond any need that you have for the AD community. That is not a lack by the community, but a growth within yourself, of yourself. The thing that you would, I hope, consider, is that your very growth and advancement may be helpful to someone of the AD community who has not yet reached that point. You, in your situation of not needing AD, are becoming one who can be a mentor, a guide, a possible solace to someone who has just arrived, desperate for help, and maybe not even able to phrase the questions troubling him or her.So, by all means, delete your blog if you must, but weigh it out, not based on your own lack of needs, but based on those of others.All that aside, I feel that blogs are small snippets of the person, revealing in a way that any work of poetry or prose cannot. If it's there, unmasked, in its raw form, it is truth as seen by us as we write it. The fact that people can relate, sympathize, and offer consolation and support for us swimming at our deepest depths, means that they are friends. Those who care, will likely say something. Those who don't, won't. How much of your move forward can be attributed in some small way to a response you received here? Maybe very little, and maybe a lot, but remember, a journey starts with that first step, and it could be the most important step in your life. Your blog, or your comment in someone else's blog, may start a journey that is life altering for someone else. I hope you stay here. :wav:

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Jason, I for one would really miss your blog. I am entertained and educated and pissed off and made to feel wonderful by it. Your writing is illuminating. You do things I hate reading about--think drugs--and you come through them, and you do things I really like--think about how you use your intelligence to see things right, even if it's belatedly, think about your perseverance, about your sense of humor, about, no, stop, this isn't where I wanted to get bogged down--and you always manage to write about them in ways that keep me enthralled. I know more about you, and care more about you, because of your blog.You say, you wrote, that what you don't like about your blog is that it's all about you. May I suggest, then, that you continue your blog, simply change the focus? That way we wouldn't be deprived of your wit and perspective, and you'd be free from what now bothers you. Win win, it would appear.Whatever you do, you've made a supporter out of me. Thanks for what you've written. And I'll hope, even if it's a selfish hope, for more.C

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I'd really miss it if you stopped blogging - or removed what you've already written. You write in a uniquely 'Jasonesque' style that is somehow more than the sum of its parts ... erm ... if that makes sense. *shrugs, and smiles cheesily*

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Firstly, I want to say thank you for your comments. Though I've become a bit disconnected with my Blog, it makes me feel a bit warm inside, fuzzy bunny slippers warm on a cold night, that I've brought a sense of closeness with a few of my readers. I am quite proud of the friendships I've made here at Awesome Dude and the response I've received from many of you, whether publicly or privately, it's truly appreciated.Secondly, I never had any intention of leaving Awesome Dude, this is my first home and will always be a part of my on line life. As for feeling disconnected, I have realized this is my fault. I haven't posted a new story here in over a year, nor have I shared my poems. I rarely reply to threads here, though I do read most of them. I truly enjoy reading the Blog, especially Desilu's, he always brightens my day. Maybe if I stop lurking around and actually participate in the forums, this feeling will vanish, much like my waistline.As for deleting my Blog, I don't think that's necessary anymore, thanks to Trab's comment, both here and in his own Blog.So to those of you that left comments in this entry, and those of you that didn't, hopefully you agree with those that did.So, my Blog won't go away, I won't stop rambling on, and that's that.J

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