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Cars Grrrrrr.


Camy

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In the UK we have a yearly test for cars called an MOT. In years past, although it was illegal, frowned upon, and you risked getting a big slap, it was not that big a deal if your cars MOT had expired. Now, what with computers and the 1984 Big Brother mentality, you risk severe doo-doo if you don't have one.

Today, my baby Renault Clio failed hers. *sob, wail, gnash, howl*

So I get home and look at the failure sheet (you have 10 days to put the problems right and have a re-test).

'It's not so bad' I'm thinking. 'A few bulbs, a bit of exhaust pipe, front brakes and a tyre.' Then I realise that because of the exhaust pipe it hasn't had the dreaded emissions test.

The emissions test (minds out of gutter, please) is a nightmare. If you have the most perfect car in the world and it fails this test, then you have to scrap it (and kill yourself, too).

So, I'm in a catch 22, and panicking! If I fork out and have the exhaust fixed (which - according to the nice man at the garage - could be as much as ?350) it might still fail emissions due to the engine ... and there are still the tyre and the bulbs and the brakes and etc, etc, etc.

Then ...

... a friend phones up. He's got a Citroen Belingo with 2 months MOT and he's going to give it to me for ... FREE!!!!

It needs a bit of work, but as he was about to have it scrapped, it's a win-win all around.

Oh, chuffed and lucky am I!

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Oh Happy Day for you Camy.I am sure my 1983 Ford Laser with its charming characteristic of belching black smoke across the road every time I accelerate would not pass the MOT.The man at my garage told me not to worry about the black smoke as it was just a way for the car to let me know that it had almost run out of oil. He did seem a little concerned when he tested the brake and the peddle went all the way to the floor with a squishy sound, though. Of course he was really upset when I explained that the drivers seat belt has to be plugged into the passenger side buckle as the driver's buckle is seized up.He also wanted to know why the dash board was burnt and I had to explain that the interior of the car caught fire when the ashtray was so full that my cigarette but fell onto the floor of the car and set fire to the papers, the flames from which reached the dash before I could put the fire out by emptying the milk carton on the flames.I am also told that the windows of my car are made from transparent glass, but I wouldn't know as I have not been able to see through the grime on them since two winters ago. The nice Michelin tyres on the car however, are in excellent condition, except for the spare that is somewhere in the back of the car under the rubbish.Has your friend got another spare car?

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Now wait a minute here. You're telling me you've been driving around on a bald tire without brakes or headlights, and fouling the air, inside and out side the car to boot. And maybe the boot's bad too!You're a MENACE! You should be thrown in the hoosegow for endangerment! And you can't claim lack of fiduciary emollument of sufficiency because I just read a tale about making recordings. You must be rich. Everyone who makes CDs is rich.So trash the bucket of bolts and get yourself a new Jaguar. That's what all you Brits that are in the upper echelons drive, isn't it? Well, isn't it?Jeeze!C

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... And a wonderful imagination! Get the tyre and exhaust done at a Quick-fit or similar, it will be much cheaper. Buy bulbs at Halfords and fit them yourself. Them get the car re-tested and sell it. Put the money to one side for the work that needs doing to the Berlingo. It'll suit you better than the Clio - more space.

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Camy's always been the dangerous sort. I could tell that right off when he sent me the PornoTube video of him and the bear. The bear CLEARLY did not consent. How Camy got the bear in the backseat and did that, was amazing. Quite flexible, too. Anyway, I've asked Camy to invite me over for tea as soon as humanly possible so we can discuss it privately.

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