Codey

Jeez.......I'm at a loss for words for the first time in my life. Dewey...I know how much I hate for people to tell me they know how I feel so I can only say that I can't imagine the pain you went thru. I recognize the pain you feel and I sincerly hope you find peace and can hold the life you have and want, together. The same goes for Aussie. One of the things I remember my dad saying was that our past is something we can't change and all we can do for our future is to point ourselves in the direction we want it to go. We have to live in the present we have and use our past as a lesson in deciding where we want our future to go. I'm not sure how that applys except as a reminder not to let your past rule your present or your future. The past can't be changed but there's always hope in your future. I'm glad we had this discussion...it reminded me how lucky I was to have had the family I had and that there's hope in my future too. Codey

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Blue and everyone. Appreciate all you recieve as gifts but cherish those who love you enough to want to give you gifts. Codey

Hi guys...I posted this in another forum on Awesome Dude and thought I'd post it here too. Codey HOW? a poem by codey How can four souls so filled with love just suddenly be taken away? And what was the wrong committed that demanded this price be paid? How can a God of infinite love take them but make you stay? And how do you stop the feeling that you have been betrayed How do you cling to happy moments with those you held so dear, when every word or every sound reminds you they're no longer here? How can the memory of those so beloved grow dim and slowly fade? like will'o-the-wisps blowing in the wind, like promises yet unmade How can those who've known no such loss have the right to tell me how to feel? What makes them think they have the answers and that what I feel isn't real? How can things once thought beautiful now always seem so stark and why does a day filled with sunshine now always seem so dark? [/b]

Ok...I can understand the blocking of a traumatic event....I understand that completely from experience. I know what happens when the memories decide to pop back up. I guess because I have had very few really negative reactions to me being gay that I just can't see it in the same light as those who weren't reared in a family that was completely non-judgemental. hummmm...I don't like that term. It implys that you've done something that others have they right to judge you for. Being gay is something no one has the right to judge me for any more than they have the right to judge the color of my eyes or my skin. I guess accepting would have been a better word. I was seperated from the real world for quite a while when I was 12 and 13, and missed a lot of the peer pressure that might have caused me to question my sexual feelings. I just woke up one morning knowing I was gay and then went back to worrying about the other things going on in my life. I suppose that fighting to stay alive one day and wanting nothing more than to die the next left little time for the sexual angst I was supposed to be going thru at that age. Dewey, I love the Brian and Pete series and I feel a kinship with Brian. Now that I know what you went thru, I understand how you were able to write feelings for him that were so close to mine. We both feel anger,loss and betrayal...him from rejection and people not respecting his feelings, me from loss by death not rejection. He seems comfortable with his gayness just as I am and people tend to treat him as if being gay is causeing his problems instead of listening to him and seeing that there's other things bothering him that are more important than sexuality. Damn...writing my life story here lol I guess what I'm trying to say is I just can't understand why being gay or having gay thoughts is that traumatic to some. I know it is from watching Champ go through it. I guess it'll be one of those things I'll never understand and will just have to accept. I wrote this poem last spring...it might explain my feelings a little more. Codey HOW? a poem by codey How can four souls so filled with love just suddenly be taken away? And what was the wrong committed that demanded this price be paid? How can a God of infinite love take them but make you stay? And how do you stop the feeling that you have been betrayed How do you cling to happy moments with those you held so dear, when every word or every sound reminds you they're no longer here? How can the memory of those so beloved grow dim and slowly fade? like will'o-the-wisps blowing in the wind, like promises yet unmade How can those who've known no such loss have the right to tell me how to feel? What makes them think they have the answers and that what I feel isn't real? How can things once thought beautiful now always seem so stark and why does a day filled with sunshine now always seem so dark?

Ok....now I'm completely confused. In a post on 08/29, 'someguy' asked if he was gay and somehow i got lost. Blue, AJ, Dewey were talking about people getting married and there seemed to be a difference of opinion about whether someone could not know they were gay. These guys realize it sometime later after they're married and have kids. I can understand how hurtful this could be. If to no one else then to the person who discovers he's living a lie but loves the people that populate his lie. Should he live with the secret and suffer himself or out himself and stand the chance of losing his children? Would he love his family enough to suffer in silence or hate himself enough that he couldn't live the lie any longer and would risk everything to find peace? All of this got me thinking about me and my Champ. He is positive he's gay and loves me. This wasn't easy for him and he needed the help of a shrink to work out his sexuality. Could I wake up some morning in ten years only to be told I was a mistake and that he's really straight? If he was gay, how could he not know it? I don't understand how you can not know what you are unless you're bi-sexual. If you're bi-sexual then could the 'I'm really gay' or 'I'm really straight' not just be an excuse to get out of a relationship that for some reason doesn't satisfy you anymore? Not intentionally but subconsciosly at least.

oops.... :oops: don't know why I thought that was from Austrailia. Sorry Rusticmonk...I didn't steal your title either lol

Challenges frighten me and I tend to disappear lol As soon as I reappear I'll give it a shot...it sounds fun My thoughts are on your closing line though..."The things that make us happy, make us wise." I think I disagree. I think the things that frighten us make us wise, wisdom makes us happy.....Codey

Hi everyone...I posted one of my poems called 'All My Angels'. This poem has special meaning for me as it's my way of saying thanks to some great people who have helped me through a few very rough years. I'm Also posting a poem called 'Lament', about the loss of one of these friends. I'm glad I live a long way from Austrailia...I swear I never stole his title LOL Any and all comments will be acccepted with grace and humility...then I'll send the two of them home, hide in my cubbyhole and cry my eyes out lol Lament a poem by codey Harsh words spoken in a moment of ire, causes great pain by one I admire, and words, once spoken, are hard to take back in less than an eyeblink, a friendship is cracked. The crack widens as more words are spewed. Hardened in anger, positions are skewed. A choice then is made as to whom to defend, a choice clearly showing who's prefered as a friend A coolness developes as we're drawn apart. Dark clouds build and fill my heart. I want to go back, somehow make amends but I'm at a loss just how to begin Should I ignore principle, or the way I was reared and betray the teachings of those I revere? Or should I stand firm, never waiver or bend, knowing full well what my actions portend. My heart is bleeding, as if cut by a sword. The hurt deepens and can't be ignored. There must be a way to bring to an end this pain that I feel from the loss of a friend.

All my angels a poem by codey in the saddest of times in the darkest of hours a warrior comes bringing hope and love he marches into the darkness that is my soul repelling the darkness with the very light of his being into the farthest caverns and recesses where demons dwell setting them to flight with the purity of his heart finding a small flickering flame he shields it with his goodness allowing the flame to rekindle and grow protecting it from the demon breath that tries to extinguish it a battle won a war begun a call goes out allies come from around the world the call is answered from the land of the celts a young giant from the frozen north a mighty hunter from the land of the southern cross comes another one brings caution born thru the wisdom of age teaching the virtues of patience and restraint the neccesity of perserverance and the folly of impulsiveness there come three sons of different deserts bringing weapons of love, honor and loyalty two warriors from the wooded hills bringing the powers of mirth and humility one child of coastal woodlands a spirit forged in goodness tempered with the oil of compassion bolstered by the faith of the just one brings strength from mid-western grasslands strong of character and strong of heart he comes girded for battle bringing his gift of song opposing forces gather old foes...good and evil attacked from within and without the allies hold with the fire of determination the demons are routed old scars reopened are salved new wounds are dressed the demons weakened, the allies gather feeding the flame with their strength keeping the demons at bay with their presence all my guardians..all my angels