blue

I've been doing some thinking. Oh, I over-analyze like crazy, but sometimes I actually put the analysis on hold and just coast. Or I'd like think that. So what prompts the new leaf in the title? Have I gained a sudden interest in botany? OK, it's not that, though that would help. I have done a lot of fussing lately. A lot of fussing. And whining. And if you look at how I post on other forums, you'd see I don't do that nearly so much there. Yet here, where I feel I can be more open and air my feelings, what it is to be gay and be me, it seems I have been playing the violin, pity party, a lot lately. Why? Sure, life sucks sometimes. I've had some crap in my life over the years, and growing up. OK, but everybody has some crap to deal with in life, and some of us have more. So why focus on it? Heck if I know. But it felt important to cry and beat my chest and say, woe is me, why me, I don't like all that! And I can't guarantee it won't happen again. But you know, I'm tired of that too. Yes, I'm 46, lost a lot of people in my life, and things are not great right now. OK, sure. But darn it, this is also a fresh start, if I take it, if I make it one. I have tried to tell myself that, and sometimes I make progress and sometimes I don't. There's been a lot of uphill going on, and a lot of sliding back down, or standing stiil. But...assuming I don't give in to the negativity or get taken out by some unforeseen absurdity, then I should have anywhere between about 24 and 56 years left. (But please, if it's 56, I don't want to go senile.) That's a heckuva long time. I really don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable, sad, and angry. It isn't the better me I want, or the kind of life I want. I want that optimism and positive outlook I used to have more often. In person, I'm friendly, sometimes very, though often quiet or not as articulate as I try to be in writing. I'm also kinda shy and a loner. But I want more than that, you know? I have hated seeing the bad sides of people, the kinds of things some people will do. Yet I'm still me. I still want and need other people. Besides, I have to rely on others for some things, because I simply can't do some things by myself. (Eyesight.) Yesterday, I was looking for where I thought I had put my old yearbooks. I was telling myself it was story research. (I'm looking for a couple of particular comments written in my yearbooks by school friends back in the day.) I haven't seen any of those old school friends since college. But I also wanted to look back through those yearbooks, because there are good memories in there too. High school was actually one of the best times of my life, aside from some less happy memories in there. Most of it was good. I matured socially along with the physical and mental maturing. Sure, although I really, really miss the couple of friends I had big crushes on, and a few other good friends, and several good teachers...and although there were some bad times too...even so, despite bullying and teasing and gossip, there was also a lot of good going on there, especially in high school. I mostly liked high school. I was mostly happy and felt things were going good, and I was looking forward to the future. Hah, I had some sort of internal compromise about my gay feelings, even, despite questioning and confusion about it. Um, hey, I knew I liked it when I could simply accept it and go with it. And it was me, it was what did it for me, if I had to be honest to myself. I didn't know quite what to make of that. But it wsa true. It was guys I thought about, not girls. And that was certainly not the be-all and end-all of my life. I wasn't and am not only focused on being gay. I was better adjusted, if anything, back then, even with the questions and confusion about it all, and even though I wasn't telling anybody, except when I tried to see if a friend or two would accept it enough to talk to them...or to see if a friend or two might like me and want to do something about that, like I did. (Yes, even the questioning and religious "good boy" has a sex drive and a romantic drive.) It came to me that I want that self back. I want that better adjusted guy, the one I try to be when I'm in public, or when I'm elsewhere online posting long-winded posts. (Sorry, short posts and emails are likely never going to be me. Deal with it! :) ) So. I am tired of being unhappy and venting all over the page about how damn unhappy, poor me, waah-waah. -- I want that better me that I know is also there, right here along with that guy that is not happy about how things have been so long. I know that sad and angry, wounded side, may still appear from time to time. There's a lot of healing that still needs to happen. Why have I been like that? Because I have been through years of a personal nightmare, thrust into responsibility 24/7 for someone else's well being, with no possibility of a positive outcome, and during that time, there was a lot of loss, sadness, anger, and a lot of seeing the worst that people can do to each other. So yes, there are reasons for why I've been so down, and why, here and a few other places, I spilled that out on the page, needing to say just how much I was not happy with how life had been. I needed to tell someone, anyone who'd listen, that I'd been through some crap I couldn't tell others, because who else would understand how it feels to be gay or to go through those other things. I didn't find those yearbooks. Sometime lately, after this hurricane or that, or simply moving things around to do this or that, I moved the box...somewhere. So now I have to find the stupid box, just to see those old yearbooks. But it made me stop and think about that teenage self, who he really was, what he wanted and believed, and the things that were so right in life at that time. -- Boy, there was so much I hadn't been through yet, thank goodness. I'm now older and wiser in some things. I've been through crap and learned from it. I've learned to be more cautious about who I let really close and what I say, even though I have also learned to open up about some things, and some things just don't matter so much. I want to get back to that better me that's been so buried under things for far too long. Not just that high school self, but the adult self who increasingly had more and more stuff to go through, and kind of ducked and covered and felt overwhelmed. That wasn't just the me who had realized he was gay in college, and put himself way too deep in the closet. That's the me who had things happen in life that I never could have foreseen or wanted, but yet life dealt those things out anyway. There's still a lot of things before my life's back in any very good situation. My budget sucks. My support system of friends is almost non-existent. I'm basically rebuilding my life from scratch. (And from the contents of way too damn many boxes, most of which is probably ultimately going to be gotten rid of.) But blast it, I want that better, freer, more well adjusted life, the positive, optimistic self. I miss that guy, that me. He's been buried under too much crap for too long. So...here I am. I may not be much different right away. I may have times when I'm pissed off at the world, or very sad. There are some real reasons for that, I can't deny the truth of those either. But that better me has just got to see the light and be me again. Whether it's 24 years or 56 years or whether a rock falls from the sky tomorrow, or whatever is in my future, well, I've still gotta be me every day. So here I am. Where the blazes did I move that particular box? Or a few others? ..And dang, I will be so glad when all the rest of these are unboxed and over and done with, and life's back to some sort of normal again, whatever that is. Hi, I'm Ben. I'm here.

If only there could be more of this. A lot more. There are accepting churches, for instance, and not all of those are primarily LGBT congregations. Food for thought: Your cat or dog doesn't care if you're gay. It doesn't spook the horses. Perhaps this says more about God's view of things than those with a negative view are willing to see.

I finally got to read the story. Excellent story. I found myself laughing through most of it, loving the smart-aleck stuff. I am not that kind of guy, but I really enjoyed it. The fun references to Brawny, Green Giant, Capt. Crunch, and Captain Caveman... lol, good. The more serious parts, the team captains taking things way too far, the one guy bullying everyone he could, especially Sasha, handled very well. This was almost purely characters. That includes the rusty car as a character. (I loved the first, "No. ...let my car rust you to death." line.) Um, one very slight proofreading nitpick: Both times, it should be cue or cues, not queues. A queue is either a line to stand in or a braided ponytail. A cue is a signal or mark. -- There were also a could of times when "It" was used when you meant "I," and a couple of unexpected line/paragraph ends. -- I have done proofing professionally, so I tend to notice things like that. But please don't take those as negatives. I catch typos in my own work. Everyone does it. Back in high school, I never in a million years would have expected a big, macho, muscley, deep voiced football player to be gay. But then, I assumed nearly *everybody* was straight, even if the rumors and some body language indicated they might not be. -- I might've guessed (or wondered) about Sasha, but not Alec. I'm an idiot. I didn't see the inclusion of the sign on the door coming until there it was. Duh. Loved it though. Buchanan, Bobby, the Jolly Green Giant / Capt. Crunch -- I liked the character's development a lot. -- My in-person reaction would tend to write off a guy like that as a jerk, instead of getting to know him, unless there was a reason to stick around and get to know him, such as seeing his less belligerent side in class. That could be a hook for the character in other stories. This tells us a whole lot about the characters. Seeing these guys again could be neat. But we don't get a lot about the setting, the town and surroundings. For this story, though, it wasn't important. It works *very* well as a character-driven story. Oh, and Alec's group of friends from before, I also liked them, they didn't come off as extras, but as minor characters. I agree that the parents and coach come across as somewhat disconnected, but that is true to life. The coach overlooks it if the team's running OK or unless it becomes obvious, which it eventually does. The parents are good parents, but they're kind of in their own little world. Kudos that they are supportive and how they interact with him. Realistic. -- I feel it's entirely true to life that he would try his best to *hide* what's going on with him, and that his parents would not see the signs, or would not insist on finding out and acting on it. My own parents had to know there were things going on with me, yet like most teens, I said I was fine, it's OK, nothing's the matter, etc. ... when inside, I was very much not fine, and because one of the causes was being called gay and bullied for being so different (not just gay, either). That includes a few times I *should* have told things to my parents, but I didn't, and one case where I told a teacher, but backed down from telling about myself, because I was afraid it would get back to my parents somehow. I know schools and admins (and sometimes parents) can turn a blind eye to things, problems, going on that ought to be addressed. Parents do that with their own kids at home, too. Why? Because they don't want to take responsibility and liability, or they are busy or they don't want to be bothered or whatever other poor excuse it is. Or it may be that they simply don't know what to do, so they do nothing. Or in some cases, they think the kid should "tough it out, be a man, stand up for himself." Or they may have moral compunctions, such as about being gay. -- I got the mixed messages about fighting, for instance; and a lot of subtle negative messages about being gay. Nothing outright, but not positive. So I think the way it's handled in the story is quite possible, even probable.

Blinks. OK, I think there's a whole lot of context missing there. That kiss each cheek custom, versus firing guns at each other? I prefer not having to fire guns at each other. It's quite messy and no one gets to buy or sell much besides ammo. The kissing thing? Beats the hell out of beating the hell out of each other.

I have two vehicles. One has sneakers, tennis shoes. Or dress shoes, if I'm really feeling spiffy. The other is bright yellow and charges, but the cabbie's reliable and a decent guy (and knows I'm gay). Spiffy? Who the heck says that anymore? Wow.

Thanks, EleCivil and Colin. Gee and Cole got my questions before I did. I could wish for more active action (ironic wording there) but I can see why. And yes, someone with a chip on his/her shoulder making a false report to get some nice kid in trouble springs to mind. How many prank calls will they get? Or calls that Johnny likes Suzy... or Jimmy? (Which could be trouble for Johnny, Suzy, and Jimmy, no matter who likes whom, or doesn't.) What I've heard from teachers, parents, or teens I know is that cell phones are allowed in their schools, but like with EC, they're supposed to have them off during class. Actually using one in class varies, but some schools confiscate the phone, at least until the end of class. While in community college, I had the shock of hearing something from a student, and it sounded like he *meant* it. So I reported it. Creeped me the heck out. I knew the teacher he was talking about. A couple of days later, there was an announcement, and everyone was to stay in their classrooms, a lockdown. Some time later, they gave an all-clear. No, I don't know what happened about the student. I'd expect he had disciplinary action against him. And yes, I played that carefully, cajoling him until I could excuse myself and leave. The level of intent and malice in his voice and body language, over a teacher was shocking. Totally unwarranted. And no, when someone's just joking around, they don't say the things that guy said, either. I think they'd waited until he was on campus next, just guessing. But yes, it was a threat of violent action, more than one kind. The guy wasn't the most socially skilled, but until he got on that topic (without prompting, by the way) I wouldn't have guessed. -- Wow, just realized that's been around eight years ago, give or take. There have been a few cases in local and state news regarding students recording bullying and fights on their cell phones. That's included teachers behaving badly, but other cases were students recording things between students, not because they thought it was bad, but to brag about it. Other things have been students actually caring and reporting abuse, bullying, etc. -- So the goal is to get students to be compassionate, to think about others and be good people. Bad when the kids are so proud of someone beating up another kid that they want to show it off and brag instead of report it. (The particular one I'm thinking of was girls fighting each other in a restroom. Sheesh.)

I'd comment further, but my elbow is sore.

Well, my garden is my garden. A few days ago we had good rain. I've been watering regularly, except the day of and day after any decent amount of rain. Yesterday we had a very heavy downpour just before dusk, which must've continued lightly overnight, given how wet things are outside right now. That's good, but I may water this evening. I hadn't been closely monitoring the baby tomatoes. So when I looked today, I was disappointed. I only see one baby tomato, still small and green. No others. There should've been about three or four, not counting the one that broke off now more than two weeks ago, I think it was. I don't know what's happened to them. I'd think an animal or bird would leave some bit behind. I will look this afternoon or tomorrow. Maybe I missed them somehow. I guess the poor mauled main plant thought it had been hassled too much. But that doesn't explain the other plant or two. That said, the plants look pretty good. I see signs of something doing damage, small holes, so I'll get some Sevin Dust or something like garlic or chili spray, to combat whatever's getting at that plant. Even the one most frazzled seems to be doing OK. The one that I transplanted that had been crowded is doing OK. I see signs of flowers that wilted, despite watering, on each tomato plant. So I presume I won't have further tomatoes start. That one tomato now has a lot riding on it! As a song says, "Hang on, little tomato!" Meanwhile, the marigolds are quite happy and the basil is terrific. I'll harvest some soon. The chocolate mint is doing OK, could be doing better. I may move its planter box somewhere a little shadier. I think that's what's getting to it. -- I did have to rescue it from a vine tendril that was trying to move in and choke it. Nice minty smell from that. The grass seed I put out in the back yard seems to have started up. It and the clover and not-grass (whatever the stuff is) are doing OK. The difference between getting intermittent rain this year (still not as much as usual) and the extended drought last year is so marked. I need to look at the front yard when I get the mail this evening. But if any of the grass seed I put out has sprouted or taken hold, I'll be amazed. Bare, dry, grey dirt in front, between too much shade from trees and last year's drought, all the grass in the front yard died; just straw and dirt. The side yard is OK, though. So, that's my gardening tale for the day. One tomato. Four, no, five nice plants, and only one tomato. I am so doing things differently next year. You'd better live so I can have you on a nice salad and save the seeds, tomato. Gee, that sounds mercenary and predatory, doesn't it? But...I like tomatoes! Harrumph!

I may do something with those recipes, as Gee suggested, but I'm working on something else at the moment.

There is one big point against the idea that HIV/AIDS are a punishment for being gay. Well, besides the fact that straight people and children get HIV/AIDS, there's another big argument, I should say. There is something called FIV, Feline Immunodeficiency Virus. Yes, the nickname is even "Kitty AIDS." No, it is not contagious back and forth, from being around your cats. The fact of FIV and HIV means that study of one can help study of the other, to lead to treatment and an eventual cure. However, my real point is -- It is just a disease, a virus, like any other terrible disease. It is not a punishment for sin, any more than the flu or the common cold. One of my previous two cats caught FIV from a fight (or sex), before my current two cats. I asked my vet all sorts of questions: Could my cat live? How long? Would my other cat be safe? Would I be safe? All sorts of things. -- His brother never caught it. The cat himself lived many years after, and it wasn't FIV/FeAIDS that was the cause of death. That's one thing about it: Cats have some way of surviving it better than we do the human HIV version. -- And so I lived with a cat with FIV for many years. I had never thought of HIV/AIDS as any sort of divine retribution. It is simply a disease. My experiences with those two cats, much loved and much missed, enlarged on my views. I'm in that generation who came of age right before HIV/AIDS came into the general public consciousness. In college in Biology lecture and lab, we asked our professor and t.a. about HIV/AIDS, and they didn't know enough at the time to tell us much for certain. They were still trying to figure out how it was transmitted and how it could be stopped. (This was the mid 1980's.) Ryan White was still alive. -- Everyone of my generation knew they were taking a risk by being sexually active, whatever they did, gay or straight, condoms, whatever. -- I didn't get it because I was in the closet, not active, and very busy trying to wrap my head around (and deny or pray away) the realization that I was gay. Uh, I was an idiot about that, I flunked out, rather than accepting myself and coming out, at least to myself. Not a recommended way to live your life. For pity's sakes, guys, if you are sexually active, use a condom! Several condoms. Or if you don't use one, you'd better be blasted sure your partner and you are HIV-negative. And if you or he or she are seeing anyone else, that person or those persons had darn well better be negative too. (Hint: The more people in on what's goin' on in any one person's pants, the more likely it is that someone isn't being 100% truthful. And nothing guards against not knowing or not being careful and using protection.) -- It isn't me making whoopee with you out there, so I can't judge one way or the other. I can only say this: I would like for you to be around in five, ten, twenty, however many years from now, still enjoying life and love. So please be smart, use your big head when you use your little head. Use protection and get tested. Please. I'm on the conservative side, mostly. I'm also gay. So what I might or might not be comfortable with or think is right in a relationship, is not necessarily what everyone else thinks. And hey, I have hormones and urges, and I'm not perfect. So I don't have any more room to talk than anyone else. -- But what I wrote above, that I'd want someone to be healthy and happy and safe, whatever they do sexually, that holds true for sure. If you're gonna have sex, make love, and please be healthy, happy, and safe. Use protection. Get tested. Please. I think anyone who's HIV-positive or who's lost someone to HIV/AIDS would say the same, or nearly so. It's a disease. It is not a sin or a punishment for sin. :hugs:

I liked what Gee meant by extension; I got the reference. "Punctuated Equilibrium." Say, wouldn't that be where you spend a lot of time walking across the balance beam extra carefully, then flailing your arms and teetering wildly for a few anxious seconds, before regaining your balance...or falling off the beam and having to climb back on? Hahahaha, life can be like that, for sure. I managed that balance beam some, but not nearly as well as those kids in the tights, who made it look easy. There's probably a metaphor or life lesson in there somewhere. Or maybe it means I should've tried to hang out with a nice gymnast? Well, come to think of it, I did clap extra enthusiastically when my friend did that modern dance recital (in tights!) back in school. I wasn't quite old enough to figure out why that was so much fun to see. Heh. But it eventually dawned on me. Shallow? Why yes, the parts of me that aren't deep are nicely shallow! Or vice versa. Or something like that.

Thanks, Gee, that makes me feel better.

That's beautiful. Coldplay's original is also quite fine. I love how two of the guys are really getting into the music. The other guy and the two girls are more reserved, even a little anxious, but you can see occasional flashes of them enjoying it.

Thanks, Pecman. I know we have folks here at AD and elsewhere online who have various things like vision or hearing or mobility or Asperger's, and of course, there can be other things from people's past experiences in life that cause interference too. I tend to go, the past few years at least, in fits and starts, staying still then leaping forward. I wish it would even out and really feel back on track again. Things have begun going better, but there are still things to get resolved (real world job/finances and getting things done). I tell myself to do those first, but the relationships (not only romance/sex but friends/family) are honestly what are most on my mind. I had talked for a while with a counselor, but it reached a plateau. I may restart that. :: shrugs :: Heck, even transportation is an issue for me. I'd love to swim regularly, and I may find a local pool/gym...as unathletic as I am. :) I dunno. Hmm, I shied away from the suggestions about assistance work, because I've just come out of a long cycle of doing that 24/7 (almost) for my grandmother. I still don't sleep more than 4 to 6 hours at a time. But I think I will get back to helping, because I've seen how needed it is. Most people have no idea. Thanks, Pecman. I'm not sure how much of what I just wrote are excuses to stand still, and how much are reasons of, I'm just not there yet, even though the desire and impatience to move on are there. (Obviously, I wouldn't have posted the topic if it wasn't a big deal for me. It is.)

Roll D100 on Psi and Empathy for Luggie. ;) Yes, that was pretty much exactly it, Lugz. (I halfway understood it, but somebody would have to teach me, tabletop or MMO online.) Though if you want a fun male bonding geek scene, there's a session with a bunch of guys playing D&D on an old Freaks and Geeks episode. I'd recommend at least renting that series, btw.

That sounds a *little* like Three Dog Night, but not quite. The sound quality's not the best. Fun solarizing on the surfing footage. I would bet I saw it growing up, but don't recall it. Hmm... my brain just connected "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" with "P.H.R.O.G. / Big Blue Frog." How very odd! Fun times!

Thanks for the heads-up, Beagle.

I just saw this thread and I'll pick up the title. Yes, the iBooks app for all those iPads and such, uses .epub, and you can shop through iTunes or iBooks. Check also the link bi_janus gave, or other places such as Smashwords or Lulu.com. Or try Barnes & Noble if you have a Nook. Bunny slippers, huh? My interest is already piqued and I'm not even sure why.

Good point, and I hadn't thought of that, but should have. That's a relief.

I would've been five when that commercial (nearest above) first aired. It aired for years, as I remember. Older parents, conservative, but my mom was an artist. So like most of my generation, I grew up with some parts of the 60's and 70's culture soaking in by osmosis. Even my conservative parents embraced some of that. I did. I didn't really notice how much until after college. So I may look mostly preppie and yuppie, but there's some hippie flower power in there somewhere, and I find myself liking that more as I go along. That, and life has radicalized me, especially the last few years. That commercial is so, so worth it. It would have a huge nostalgia draw now, and the message is just as good now as it was then. Far out, man! Peace!

LOL, I'm not from a small town. Houston. As far as I know, I don't have anything like Asperger's. One person who does has said, if anything, I'm more like the opposite, hyper-attuned to emotions instead of less attuned. No one's ever indicated any sort of autism spectrum stuff going on with me, that I know of. -- That isn't to say that there might be something else going on, but again, I don't know about it, if so. There is the case of what happened with one classmate as a pre-teen, and I am sure that had a big influence on an already shy and teased kid who was just beginning to learn he liked guys. I *think* I've said more about it before in the forum. I know I'd said something privately to Dude and to Tim and Codey, in the course of our friendship. -- Two boys fooling around who got in over their heads, neither of us knew nearly as much as we thought, and it wound up beign traumatic for both of us. It muffled things for me for a long time, and I didn't tell my parents, though I know my mom knew something had happened. One of the main things for me is, where most guys have normal vision, I don't. In some ways, this doesn't limit me much. In others, it is a huge difference. So past a certain distance, things like eye color or reading some details of facial expressions are difficult or impossible. Around twenty feet and more, I may have trouble identifying even a good friend, except by voice. The usual credit card readers at most stores (except at pharmacies which use a backlit or LED screen) I can barely read, due to contrast and lighting, not necessarily letter size. Likewise with people's name tags or the wall menus at any fast food place. I can do OK with basketball or volleyball, but not baseball or softball, or catching a pen or pencil if someone tosses it to me. (I'm legally blind, low vision.) It is a problem in some ways and not a problem in others, in ways most people wouldn't expect, unless they've known someone who's low vision. And that varies wildly for each person's case.) You can imagine that, trying to gauge body language is tough sometimes, depending on what it is or how close or far they are. Some people pick up on it (my sight) right away. A very few know how to deal with it without thinking, whether they have any training or not. Some do not pick up on it until they see something, and then they realize. Most people are fine about it. Rarely, someone is profoundly not fine about it. I usually ignore the ones who aren't. Usually. ;) -- But growing up, all through elementary and junior high, it was a big deal, because I got teasing/bullying a lot over my eyesight, being different in general (smart kid), and the gay thing (which I think was mostly just a way to bully, though later, when those feelings started up, I had to wonder how much they'd picked up about me, versus how much was just a way to be insulting.) But that gave me very mixed feelings about trust and friendships early on, and it'll always be there on some level. -- You should also be able to tell, I'm still friendly, and (at least in writing) self-expression isn't a huge problem. (Uh, I come by that naturally, lol.) Other factors that might be in there? I don't know. I suspect there's some mild attention span stuff going on and some sort of learning-style differences, but what, if any, I don't know.

Hi guys. Well, a follow-up. Getting all that out, writing it out and thinking through it, for once helped a lot. I went back and reread it just now, and the replies. So here's the follow-up. First, most important, is that I see I might have a better friend there than just an acquaintance. I don't know him that well, it's usually just chatter while he's working. (The guy could easily be a checker or manager, but when I'd asked after initially finding he's friendly, he acts and wants to write and do films. Way overqualified.) He likes, chooses, to be outgoing and talkative to everybody as he works; he's a sacker, of all things. And reading back through this, I see that he's a better friend than I'd thought, even as an acquaintance. That's really welcome these days. Yes, I'm very sure I heard the word gay, and I'd forgotten, writing above, I'd asked him at the time to repeat, and I still didn't hear due to background noise. But I'm almost sure he said he's *not* gay. -- However, that's OK, lol, most people aren't, and I'd rather have a friend with the class to say no nicely, than to be mean about it. I took things easier, more coolly for a while, and we still talk, he's still friendly. So I take that as another positive thing. Friendly's always good. Yes, I was a little upset, not while there, but later, because I guess I felt a little like I'd been called into question, when really, I hadn't. It stung a little, you know? And I had to figure that somehow, I'd given the impression, without knowing I was, that I was hitting on him, or he wouldn't have said something. So I was frustrated with myself. Mostly, I guess, that I wouldn't be aware, or that it's another negative, even if I wasn't trying to. Just frustrating, if you see what I mean. It's disconcerting to think that I could be sending out signals without really trying or being conscious of it. On the other hand, I suppose we all send out signals, gay or straight, just because we're human, and other people pick up on that. And I suppose too, hey, if there's a nice gay guy around, maybe that could be a plus. (I have wondered about one or two of the checkers, but I haven't asked. I think one is with someone anyway.) ...Uh, and if you're getting the idea I don't have a whole lot of dating skills, it's true, I did have a few dates with girls (before figuring out that really wasn't working, haha) but middle school and high school, you would've seen a guy mostly clueless of if any girls or guys liked him, or how to ask them if I liked someone. I did ask a few girls in high school for a date, but hmm, somehow this did not result in dates. (Methinks they knew me better than I did, though the reasons involved other things.) Dates around college age, ehhh, no spark. (Duh, they were nice girls, but they were girls, and well, y'know, I liked 'em fine, but it didn't get my motor going, and they must've known.) ...Back then, it didn't occur to me I could ask a guy to go out, or that simply hanging out might be a date. But I think that's generational, or maybe also a case of just how out or where in life experience you are. So, yeah, anyway. So that mostly solves things. Mostly. I guess I just needed to talk it out, bounce it off people, and see what came back. But yes, this part of my life isn't getting the attention or chances I need to work through things. Heck, no surprise. I'm not getting enough social interaction, period, right now. I guess I'm still regrouping. I'm an introvert, I mostly like it that way, but even an introvert doesn't want to be a hermit all the time. And yeah, a love life would be a big deal. I'm not sure how clear it is, but I grew up with that area a real void, some cluelessness, some reluctance based on being gay, religious, and a negative experience (which I've mentioned before, I think), and although my parents were affectionate, I somehow got the attitude that the whole thing (dating, a couples relationship) was...hmm, I don't even know how to put it, but maybe unobtainable? How much of that was traditional conservative attitudes towards dating and sex, and how much was because of my own personality or the one experience with a classmate, and how much was because I had to have picked up on the vibe that being gay would not be the most well received ever in my family, and yet I had to have known it somewhere inside, especially during adolescence. Even now, it's obvious I drag my heels about it. (No, there's really no heels or drag there, sorry, anybody, lol.) Uh, and yet, it's pretty obvious my subconscious is as active as anyone's. I suppose it'll solve itself if it's gonna. I can't help but think that I'm not the only one who feels mixed up on this, whether my age or a teenager or whatever. I think it's likely it's a generational thing, but it doesn't seem like things have changed all that much. So, aside from self-interest, I'd like to think that by posting, it might help somebody else figure things out.

Awesome! Great video. I still like the old Coke commercial, "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing."

OK, more like, advice for the "struck out again." I've hesitated for over a month now, whether to post about this. I guess I'm gonna. It's a common enough problem. Or maybe not so common. Stop me if you've heard this one before. Um, let's say the history of my love life, as well as past youthful enthusiasm (OK, more like, youthful, gee-I-wish) is not exactly stellar. I've posted about most of that before, though some things are omitted because...well, just because. So I won't bother rehashing that. Or I'll try not to. Most recently, I had posted about a really nice, er, "cute" guy I liked. Dang, shortly after, I haven't seen him around. I think he changed jobs, dunno. So, any chance at getting to know him, much less the chance for, oh, anything else at all...just disappeared, poof. (I was under the impression "poof" meant something else, really....) Darn. Yknow? So then there was nothing happening. As you can imagine, this is a whole lot of nothing and even if you're used to that being the default status quo, a guy still would like something a little less than nothing. I have a decent imagination. (OK, maybe not the most appropriate word choice there, but you get it.) But ehhh, that particular long term relationship is a bit off-handed. Uh.... Moving right along.... So.... An acquaintance, a generally friendly, talkative guy...OK, he's probably over 25 or so and works at the local grocery store...and yeah, you can tell, I live a wild, risky, outré, avant garde social life, right? Suuuurrre. Grocery store. Sheesh.... So anyway, he's a nice guy, good looking, etc. But he's an acquaintance, just friendly, and just chit-chat. He tends to be animated, I tend to be enthusiastic (and nervous more often than not) as well as shy, and well, this shows. I'm a geek, OK? I'm reasonably socially adept. I have a degree. I shower, so usually, I don't stink. Right, so we should have the social niceties covered, right? Right! For a while there, I started wondering. Hey, is he gay? Interested? Am I getting a vibe here? Or is it wishful thinking, or...what? I told myself, self, be comfortable, that'll show, and if he likes you, maybe then you'll know. OK, I suppose. I was not, however, trying to look good, play it up, chat him up, or make a pass. Um, even if I was, the effect might be entertaining, unintentionally so. Time goes by. So one day, I go in, do my shopping, etc. We say hi and talk again. And then, with other background noise going (OK, some of it was me, talking) he leans over and says something quietly" "I'm...." (Oh dang, what did he say?) Pretty sure the last word was, "gay," but what was between there? Well, I'd feel like a heel if I asked him to repeat it. And it would've been nice if I hadn't been still saying something and all kinds of other noise around, wouldn't it? I did a kind of look. No telling what my expression was. Probably completely blank and mystified, deer in the headlights, maybe. Yeah, definitely movie epic quality performance there, Ben. And then I thought. If he'd said he *was* gay, the body language and all would've been different. Probably. And well, I am neither the most straight-acting nor the most campy of guys, but er, it has been brought to my attention (when I have come out to friends) that perhaps this was not news to them. Uh.... So yeah, I guess you can sorta figure it out. Maybe. It could explain a lot. Well, it wouldn't explain the lack of offers of undying affection, generally, or the lack of lots of adolescent, pubescent exploration, but then, I was kinda uptight, too. In other words, after thinking about it when I got home (and thinking, and thinking, and wanting to kick myself, and thinking, and more thinking) (oh come on, you knew I was overly analytical) I came to the conclusion that said acquaintance had informed me he was indeed *not* gay. Although he'd done it in a nice way, nothing mean about it. But this also lead me to the uncomfortable idea...he must've thought I've been trying to make a pass at him. Well.... I didn't think I was. I wasn't trying *not* to, but I was definitely not deliberately trying to flirt or ask him out or whatever. (Are you kidding? Me? LOL. ...waah... ) Well isn't that just peachy? Friendly guy, thinks I'm gay and making a pass at him, and has to tell me he's not. Just great. Phooey! (There was some more colorful use of language; in fact, more than one language, but you can fill in your imagination.) Yeah, I was pretty hacked off. At him. At myself. In general. About the only good thing was, he hadn't decided to be ugly about it, and he hadn't hit me upside the head. He was actually gracious about it, as such things go. OK, I guess I like that part. ...But gee, just my luck. I'm not even trying, and a straight guy turns me down. Maaaaannnnn..... Given my past experience and general lackluster self-esteem, my ego took a pretty big hit, there. I cooled it, toned myself down, but we still talked, and that, at least, is good. Still, it took a few weeks to get over the feeling that I'd somehow missed out. Here I was, I'd apparently been giving off signals that felt, to him, like I was coming on to him. Only, I wasn't consciously doing that at all. Really. It shook me up. I thought I wasn't. Then when I had to think it through, I knew I wasn't *not* sending signals either, at least, I wasn't avoiding unconsciously sending signals. And a straight guy and I'm sending signals without knowing it? Oh, dagnabit. Well, it wouldn't be the first time, apparently, either. -- Honestly, though, I'm not sure about my teenage crushes. I don't know for sure if they were straight or gay, but I've presumed they were straight, with maybe one exception. Another might have been more open to the possibilities, but I didn't get the chance to find out (darn parents) and another...well, let's just say that crush may have been straight (or not so straight) but I had such a big crush, it wouldn't have mattered, if he'd given encouragement at all. (Pauses for internal dreamy sigh.) All three were major clues that Ben was not quite straight. That big crush...finally became apparent to my clueless self. (Say, I'm thinking about his neck, arms, legs, eyes, smile, right here at lunch.) (Say, I'm thinking about that while I'm about to go to sleep? Waitaminnit, you don't suppose...am I thinking about...I am!...could I be...oh wow, I think I might be gay. ...What was that about his...uh-huh...and his...ooh...omigosh, I'm thinking about his...! Oh wow, I think I really am gay. Omigosh.) Er, and yes, I was pretty confused, even though all that (and anything else about him) seemed really wonderful.) Hang on, how did I get on that tangent? Oh yeah, that's how. Yes, and I still remember all that. As well as how that crush got crushed. Major disappointment. Awkward. (Uh, and yet, woo-hoo, very obviously, I'm still carrying a torch. Aaaaahhhhh.) Aw, heck. -- Please note: That was many, many moons ago. He moved within the year. He is probably happily married with kids, a dog, and I'm reasonably sure he no longer looks like that. Still might look good and be nice, but he's still probably straight. Unless, of course, my hormones were actually right, which isn't as likely as I'd like to like. OK, enough about Mr. Teenage Wonderful from back then. Back on topic, to the guy I was writing about before the tangent. So, Dear Fabby, it seems I was unconsciously sending out signals to a straight guy. My gaydar really, really needs to work right. So, Dear Fabby, what's a gay guy with almost zero budget and transportation, and about as much track record with relationships (especially gay ones) supposed to do to further his fevered dreams of finding Mister Right. Or Mister Left. Ambidextrous, even.... Gotta be some way to improve the odds. And Fabby? It's hard enough for me to see, outside a bar, much less inside. That said, there is a fairly nice bar in town, if I were the kind of guy bars appeal to. But that's a little like taking the speed route instead of getting to know someone first. My biological clock is ticking, but I haven't had exactly the greatest track record, and I'd really like to improve that too. Too many relationships (of any kind) that weren't what they were cut out ot be.

LOL, fine to tease a little. People can't join if they don't know it's there. :) I'm all in favor of EleCivil writing more, a lot more. Also DaBeagle. And now I see there are stories and poems I haven't read, by Madrigal. Hey, I'm in favor of EC joining a guild if he wants, also. Gotta do something besides write and day job.