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Bad Doggies

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Three dogs are sitting in cages at the vets: a Scottie, a Cocker Spaniel and a Black Lab.

The Lab asks Scottie, "What are you in for?"

The Scottie sighs and says, "I humped my Mistress's leg and now she's having me neutered."

The Lab says, "Tough break guy."

He asks the Cocker, "What about you?"

The Cocker says, "I kept poking the Poodle next door now they are having me neutered."

The Scottie says, "Tough break kid." Then he turns to the Lab and asks, "How about you big fella?"

The Lab says, "Well, my Mistress was naked, bending over the tub running her bathwater and I couldn't help myself. I jumped right on her."

The Cocker says, "Awe man. I guess you're getting neutered too?"

The Lab says, "No. I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."


Bob noticed that Lisa came into the office Friday morning looking very down. Being a good friend, he grabs some coffee and brings it to her desk.

"Morning Lisa, you look like you're not feeling so hot this morning so I brought you some coffee."

Lisa looks up and says, "Thanks Bob. I do feel like hell."

Bob asks, "What's wrong?"

"It was Ladies night at the club last night and my girlfriends drug me along. There were like these fifty cent Kamikazes and, Oh God I got wasted. The last thing I remember about last night is laying in my back yard blowing chunks."

Bob says reassuringly, "Awe Lisa, we've all been there girl. Don't get so down on yourself."

Lisa says, with tears in her eyes, "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

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A guy walks into a vet clinic, holding a small dog crate with a little terrier in it. The receptionist tells him to have a seat for a few minutes, then ushers him into an examination room in the back.

When the vet walks into the examination room, the guy already has his dog out of the crate and lying on the table. Sadly, the terrier is very obviously dead.

"um, sir? what was it that you wanted me to do?" the vet asks. "This dog is pretty clearly dead."

"Dead?" the guy exclaims. "Why, he was fine just this morning. I want a second opinion."

The vet shrugs, and walks out. A few minutes later he returns with a large siamese cat in his arms, and sets it on the table next to the dog's body. The cat looks at the dead dog for a minute, sniffs at it a little, then turns to the guy.

"I'm sorry, sir, but this dog is dead," the cat says.

"I don't believe that...I want another opinion."

The Vet rolls his eyes, but gathers up the cat and leaves the room again. A few minutes later, he returns, and this time he's leading a big black lab on a lead. The dog jumps up on the table, sniffs the body a few times, and looks up at the guy.

"I hate to tell you this, but this dog is dead," he says.

Well, the man is very sad, but he's gotten three opinions, and they all agree, so he decided he didn't have much choice but to believe what he's being told. The vet leaves the room with the black lab, and then comes back.

"Well," the man says, "what do I owe you for this visit?"

"That'll be 5500 dollars," the vet replies.

"WHAT?!" the man screams. "5500 dollars to be told that my dog is dead? Are you insane?"

"Well," the vet says, "the fee includes a Cat scan and Lab work."

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I think the part that bugs me the most is that I didn't even see the Cat scan and Lab work coming. I guess that's what makes it (or at least me) a good joke.

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