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This bruised ego of mine

Snaped back to where I started

yet, thin light shines through

It?s all I ever wanted

I must find a way

To Place my pride upon the shelf

I can?t keep turning away

Worrying about everyone else

To say forgive me

Is what I must weep through

To say forget it

Is what a bigger man would do

This boiling angers steaming out

From years of being run over

I cant expect them to be perfect

Marching to orders like a gold soldier

I take it all out on them

No one is always right

That?s just unspeakable

understand its not spite

To say forgive me

Is what I must weep through

To say forget it

Is what a bigger man would do

Robot Children

Your brains been washed away

To complicated for them all

All you wanted was to play

Placid and calm they leave you here

So cold and alone, but oh so clear

I?m the robot they always hoped for

They hold the controls to all my doors

Another saturated baby

Good little boy

Saturated child

Walking robot, their pride and joy

Got a little bright eyed

Time for a fill up

Mommy can?t handle when you cry

Like sticking your head in the sand

But you know the important tricks

Sit, speak, can play dead on command

Another saturated baby

Good little boy

Saturated child

Walking robot, their pride and

Sickness

Shallow and empty

We devised our own fate

Swallow the hungry

Oh how we desecrate

Sit on our thrones

Men among ants

Lavish impurities

We our the disease

Godly contempt

For self control

Holy pretense

To gather all you hold on too

Strangle the witnesses

The collective is becoming weak

Fight over similarities

to take from those in need

Where is the usefulness

We our own disease

Of natural selfishness

Spreading like a weed

inner-war

I won?t run and hide this time

Much more centralized now

This fear can?t knock me out

I?m going to stab it all away

I want feel you die

I want to see you bleed

Push away this fright

That sterilizes me

I want to watch you die

I want to whisper the screams

Push away my terror

Of you criticizing me

This pull and hold tide

Has soaked me for so long

Won?t let lies hinder my progress

Must hold to be desire to be strong

Won?t let you engulf me

Again

Won?t let you push me to my

End

Won?t let you in

Never again

My failure to motivate leads to you

So use to falling before I begin

Intertwine in my desire and anxiety

Between is a war for supremacy

I want feel you die

I want to see you bleed

Push away this fright

Of you criticizing me

So timid

So timid

Never again

timid

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I see some seeds here, some stuff that needs a little polish, but that holds some promise. What do I mean? I mean that you could tighten these up a little, put a little more into the phrasing. -- I'm not being picky about spelling or punctuation, or a missing word here and there. Those are all things that you can solve easily.

Good effort, here, ThirdEye. The first one is the most finished of them, the most complete expression of what you're saying in that poem. The others are near where you want them to be, but (my opinion) they need a little more work so they show the things you're trying to say in each of the poems. I think I get where you're going, but I want to be sure I get everything you want to say in each of them.

Edited: I came back and realized I'd made a typo. It's embarrassing to accidentally misspell the word, "spelling," especially when (a) you're commenting on someone else's and (b) you've been a professional proofer, etc.

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  • 1 month later...
These are good poems. I have some of the same questions as Blue. Want to post them on the website?

Thanks for your replies guys. I'm not really sure if they deserve to be on the website, if think they are up to standards then I have no problem.

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Good to see you again Thirdeye. Poetry Editor Gabe (RusticMonk86) is giving you the opportunity to post on the actual AwesomeDude Poetry Corner. The website has a much wider audience (about 100+ times) than the Poet's Corner here in Forums... why don't you take him up on it? :)

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