I find it hard to blame myself.
I've always read about people blaming others but themselves, and I always agree with that stuff. It's that ego thing; you know, like they did their best, but they just didn't think first if they're doing the right thing under the circumstances, so saying they made the wrong decision is like tripping in the mall or right in front of national TV. Or maybe they didn't do the good thing. I don't know. I've always read - again - that there are no right decisions, only good decisions. I don't want to think if they made the good decisions or not, because that would mean all the fault falls down on me. In their eyes, at least, and all this time I do believe that that's what is going on. I mean, what I think is good may not be the same with what they think it is.
Life scares me right now. I'm already 20 years old, but my life isn't going towards the direction I wanted it to go to. I'm not sure I have the control over it. I'm not sure how I'd be able to get control over it. It's a fucked up feeling. Especially when the people I blame for my life going this way might be blaming me for the same thing. Right now, I feel like becoming a hermit, a recluse. I just don't want to die of hunger. That's the most fucked up thing in this world. No one should die of hunger.
I've always tried thinking of the things I might have not done enough. Like, maybe I should have argued more, defended my case more, had a tantrum, didn't act like I can bear anything life throws at me. Stupid me, always stoic, always happy-go-lucky, always playing it easy. Now they think they did good, and I was too lax that's why everything's going this way. I really don't know what to do. I just wish I could stop smiling about it.
I thought the new job would be good. Fuck, they made it look good during the training. I was so stupid. I had never been so stupid in my life. Never felt that way before. Next time, I'll ask first some of the employees on their opinion before signing up for anything; there has to be a majority of opinion. And yeah, I'm already planning on quitting. Just don't know when. I have plans on going back to school, and that particular company doesn't seem to care about it. If the salary's good I would have considered really staying, like, forgetting about school for a while. But it just isn't. At least, I have myself to blame for that. Really stupid of me to assume it's gold because they said it glitters. I should have known why hearsay isn't admissible in court. Fuck.
Anyway, sorry about spouting off. I'm not doped, I swear. I just needed to vent and this looks like the perfect place. I did say something about decisions being good at the moment, right?