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At the Moment



I find it hard to blame myself.

I've always read about people blaming others but themselves, and I always agree with that stuff. It's that ego thing; you know, like they did their best, but they just didn't think first if they're doing the right thing under the circumstances, so saying they made the wrong decision is like tripping in the mall or right in front of national TV. Or maybe they didn't do the good thing. I don't know. I've always read - again - that there are no right decisions, only good decisions. I don't want to think if they made the good decisions or not, because that would mean all the fault falls down on me. In their eyes, at least, and all this time I do believe that that's what is going on. I mean, what I think is good may not be the same with what they think it is.

Life scares me right now. I'm already 20 years old, but my life isn't going towards the direction I wanted it to go to. I'm not sure I have the control over it. I'm not sure how I'd be able to get control over it. It's a fucked up feeling. Especially when the people I blame for my life going this way might be blaming me for the same thing. Right now, I feel like becoming a hermit, a recluse. I just don't want to die of hunger. That's the most fucked up thing in this world. No one should die of hunger.

I've always tried thinking of the things I might have not done enough. Like, maybe I should have argued more, defended my case more, had a tantrum, didn't act like I can bear anything life throws at me. Stupid me, always stoic, always happy-go-lucky, always playing it easy. Now they think they did good, and I was too lax that's why everything's going this way. I really don't know what to do. I just wish I could stop smiling about it.

I thought the new job would be good. Fuck, they made it look good during the training. I was so stupid. I had never been so stupid in my life. Never felt that way before. Next time, I'll ask first some of the employees on their opinion before signing up for anything; there has to be a majority of opinion. And yeah, I'm already planning on quitting. Just don't know when. I have plans on going back to school, and that particular company doesn't seem to care about it. If the salary's good I would have considered really staying, like, forgetting about school for a while. But it just isn't. At least, I have myself to blame for that. Really stupid of me to assume it's gold because they said it glitters. I should have known why hearsay isn't admissible in court. Fuck.

Anyway, sorry about spouting off. I'm not doped, I swear. I just needed to vent and this looks like the perfect place. I did say something about decisions being good at the moment, right?


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You, my lad, need a great big hug. So, I'm throwing my internet arms around you, giving you a hug, then letting go before interesting other reactions may start to interfere with this platonic support.You are learning. You may not be in school, but you are learning. There is a reason older people tend to be a bit suspicious of others, and promises, and why they read the fine print. People and organizations are out there to fuck you up, maybe not deliberately, but that's the bottom line. They are looking for their best interests, and you are incidental meat in the grinder. It's sad, but you are going to be stronger for it.

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For most of the adult world, Rad, your life is ultimately in your control. Sometimes it takes a lot of will and effort to turn it to the correct direction. Your life will never be perfect -- nobody's is -- but it can be close to or near what you want. Keep in mind you can't have everything you want. I want to live in London, but I can't afford it. That doesn't mean life sucks -- it's just a bit disappointing in that specific regard.Make your life what you want.

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I'm the opposite, Rad. And I'm envious. LOL. Trust me, you have it better if you blame others. I almost always blame myself. Which sucks. Rad at least you HAVE a job. It's only temporary you'll get to where you're going. You're TWO years younger than me ferchrissakes. :blush: Methinks you're getting the post-teenage angst. :happy: I've been there I think. Realizing I was not anymore a teen and my life still wasn't where I wanted it to be.

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Internet arms? Great one, Trab! Actually, it's what is not written in the fine print that's got me feeling bad. It's the atmosphere. The job itself. I don't feel happy there, and that is what mostly kept me in my previous jobs until the contract ended - I had felt happy there.And I'm getting there, your raccoonship. I plan to make my life the way I want it. I have a plan, and one of the first things I going to do is eliminate the obstacles (or some of it... hehe). Or make a detourand leave the obstacles be. I didn't know we like something in common: I want to live in London too! Don't envy me, Eric. Hehe. It's not that I never blame myself. I know when I'm wrong, so I know when I am to be blamed. There are just some stuff that happened and I'm sometimes confused with it all. It's all about happiness for me. I can't work if I don't feel that. Working without that is like rubbing salt on wound for me. Anyway, like you said, at least I have a job. But I'm not going to settle with that reason.. hehe. I don't do at-least's. I like solid reasons.

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There are other reasons to work, besides happiness. Satisfaction and survival are two. Often though, you can look for the good aspects of a job, and seek happiness from those, even while ignoring as much as possible the aspects you don't like. Yes, you should probably plan on getting something with more happiness opportunity, but in the meantime, being stuck there, do what you can to make it tolerable, or better. I've been in some pretty crappy jobs, but I've always managed to find SOME aspect that made it memorable for the fun or learning, and not for the ugly side. Sometimes you cannot change what is around you, but your perspective on it can be changed, with the will to do so.

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I love you, Trab!!! There's always a reason I thought this was a perfect place to post this entry. I love hearing what you guys think; you guys are great thinkers!

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:hugs: Rad. We've missed you around, you know.Don't blame yourself, or much of anybody really, it just wastes energy. Find a way around or through the problem instead. (Easy to say, hard to do.)I think the late teens and that transition into "adulthood," realizing, oh crap, now I'm on my own and I'm mortal and life isn't quite what I thought it'd be.... That's really rough on the ol' emotions.Look for how you can turn things around to how you want to live, who you want to be, and work toward that. Look for the good in life and do your best to increase it for you and those around you.I am not being Pollyanna there. I've seen more than my share of how life doesn't meet up to those dreams, and it can be so hard picking yourself up and moving on. But it is how we move forward and make something more worthwhile.Anything good is worth fighting for. It may come slowly, but you'll get there.Keep on, Rad. Keep in touch when you can, too.

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lots of good advice here ... but in the end, you must make your choices and decisions yourself. decisions are often made on the basis of feelings and intuition, and sometimes on the basis of a personal cost benefit analysis (what can I gain ... and what do I have to lose?)you are at a so young age that (looking back over the decades) I see mostly possibilities of testing out experiences, reactions and consequences in front of you; and that is wonderful. what is "fun" for you? what makes you want to get out of bed in the morning? what makes you curious? what makes you want to learn more about something, or what do you want to do/learn more about? allow yourself to play the "fool" (as in the tarot card deck), and explore creative ways of living and being "you" -- constantly in a process of growing and change. be a little irresponsible every now and them if you need to. there are no "mistakes" -- only things that might have to be repaired a bit in aftersight. and the great thing about becoming an "adult" is that with each new experience, we hopefully learn more about our own capacities to deal with whatever that comes about during a day or evening.it does not really matter what one dies of ... but how we feel about our contributions to our own personal/spiritual development and the overall development of collective societal consciousness.we can each only do a relatively small part, but every one of us is important and everything is connected.in regards to blame, and to everyone doing the best they can: this is something everyone deals with in their everyday human responses and development. currently, I have decided that it is not healthy to always blame oneself and not to expect that others act responsively -- despite their many human challenges. everyone has challenges; and many of them are (on one level or another) self-chosen or self-maintained. and that is ok, because it tells us what we feel that we need. find out what your created situations and your reactions are telling you about how you see yourself, and how you WANT to see yourself and be seen. writing is great for that kind of work and observation.no one does the best they can all the time, and sometimes what we or others do just does not seem to be good enough. it is ok to feel that way. it is even ok to tell others how you feel in regards to their engagement, motives, actions/behaviour, and that you expect(ed) more or something different from them. but do not expect others to change. we can only change ourselves -- our own behaviour and expectations. and sometimes it actually does help to change physical and social environment in order to more easily become who we "now" are, without getting stuck in who we have been (both to ourselves, in relation to those persons we have had contact with in the past, and in the eyes of others).have fun ... life is a roller-coaster, and not always easy to make sense out of. but you are creative, and you have a wonderful talent and outlet: your writing. bring these feelings and experiences into your writing. they are classic/traditional, but also therefore always interesting (with your own personal twist, of course). if writing novels or short stories is too close or confining right now, then try something even more active like writing a short play or film script. :happy:

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I don't know how to thank you guys. Let's just say that this has been one of my most trying times so far (after being outed to my parents), and you guys are there. Thanks for that.A has posted questions that made me curious. About myself. I mean, asking myself what makes me get out of the bed these days didn't go over well. I get out of bed because I have to. I have to go to work. That made me feel like I'm just an automaton. Most of the time, I do what others require of me, and the only way I make time for myself is surfing the net (and sleeping, if it counts). It doesn't feel good not having a reason and just letting myself get blown wherever the wind blows.Anyway, I realized that I do work for a reason: I want to go back to school. And even though that's not looking good right now, it's still a reason. It just hurts when I have to give up a dream. I feel like I've already given up so much because of the circumstances I'd been under.Anyway, sorry for being a soapbox^^.Rad :smile:

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spending a luxurious day ... in bed (hard work, but possibly rewarding).I am very glad that you and others make these posts, Rad. They are a reminder of the humanity that exists and lives in each and every one of us. They bring out a sense of empathy and loving concern -- both of which I (for one) often feel to be lacking in everyday existence. Furthermore I, for one, see much potential writing material in many of the personal posts published on this forum. What a wonderful stream of consciousness piece: "The day I did not get out of bed" would be. Think of all that could transpire in terms of thoughts, fantasies, dreams, boredom, boredom with boredom, guilt feelings, the joy of rebellion against doing what 'one really should rather be doing', personal activities etc. -- all during a day spent in bed instead of following one's obligations. Everyone wants/needs to be "bad" every now and then. Not necessarily all the time, and not necessarily "very bad" ... perhaps just a little naughty and undisciplined, perhaps just for one day ... or one hour ... I never afforded myself the luxury of playing "hookey" or not doing my homework when I was your age, and I am still pretty much 'anal retentive'. However, every now and then I now plan "no" days -- days where I consequently say "no" to whatever, just to experience the opposite of what I usually say (which is all too often an unqualified "yes"). Sounds stupid, perhaps ... but the psychic effect of sharpening my senses in even such meaningless ways can be exciting. We all live with the inevitability of death and mundane obligations from the moment we are born, but it is not death or life that should be feared. According to me, the only thing to fear is eventually fear itself ... and hopefully I/we will eventually surpass that one as well.So what would (might) happen if you actually did not get out of bed tomorrow? Would it kick start an exciting story or novel? Or even help you to see the glass as being half full rather than half empty?I look forward to the next installment of the story ... "the day I did not get out of bed"...

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:lol: IF I would not get out of bed tomorrow, I'll get fired.And yeah, there would probably be a new short story from me (or a new chapter for a novel) if I wouldn't get out of bed (or the house) in any day.Rad :smile:
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