Graeme

First, welcome DesDownunder. It's good to see another Australian here :D I'll keep this short because I know that tenses are a weak point in my writing. It's one of the biggest things that my editors go through and fix for me. I've read a couple of pieces recently that were done in present tense. The first one felt very odd to me, but the second was exactly right. The later is Solitary Night that is hosted here AwesomeDude. As I said to Ryan in an email, it was unusual, but it suited the subject. My New Brother story is first person, past tense, but if you look it at, it's narrated as if the events are in the immediate past. This means that there are numerous places where future tense is used, as the main character contemplates what's going to happen in the future. In most Western writings, past tense is used -- either immediate past tense, or a more distant past tense (like a recitation of what happened a long time ago). It's just a matter of deciding from what point the narrator is talking about these events. I read a book once that complained that, to that author, there had to be a logical reason for a first person POV story. For example, if the story has a "must keep this secret" rationale, then why is there a first person account written? Writing it down is obviously not keeping it a secret. When you look at first person, present tense, it becomes even more complex. HOW is the first person narration occuring in present tense? The only way is if the reader is sitting inside the head of the narrator as things occur. This worked really well in Solitary Night, but as soon as you try to bring in dialogue, it becomes very difficult. I said I'd keep this short so I'd better stop now :roll: Graeme :D

Welcome, Scotty! Don't forget to check out Jamie's two short stories while you're here. Both are excellent though very different. Graeme :D

You said this is a short story. That's a phrase that different people use in different ways. If you mean a story that is short (say, a handful of chapters), then I'd suggest going for the description approach that describes the basement and why they are there. If it's a short story in the traditional sense, then go straight to the action. The reasons can be provided piecemeal through the story, but your quoted paragraph grabs the readers attention immediately, and that's what I think you want to happen. I once read writing described with the following analogy: Imagine a room. A short story will illuminate an object in that room and describe it fully. A novel will illuminate the whole room and describe what's in it. A truly great novel will illuminate not only the room, but the world outside it, too. I try to keep that in mind when I write short stories -- I'm not writing a novel, so it's fine to leave things hinted out but not explained around the edges.

Very nice! I really like this one, TR :D

I'll just add that I was berating myself about what I considered to be a too repetitive use of a word. That's a personal judgement and as Rain has correctly pointed out, he doesn't think it's wrong. As the author, I have to take final responsibility for what appears, though I have to admit I rely heavily on my editors in many areas. Yes, it is the story concept and delivery that I predominantly want feedback on, not the editing. This may mean some fine detail commentary, as it could be individual phrases or paragraphs that a reader feels detracts from the overall impact. I am doing this because I want to improve. I am at the stage where I think I need an outside expericenced eye to make comment on things that I may be too close to the story to see. I'm not asking to solicit "well done" comments. Graeme

Please don't retire, Rain. Think how much WORSE the story would be if you hadn't fixed lots of my mistakes. :( I'm still learning, and you've already made a big difference in how you've been showing me some of the basic grammatical mistakes I've been making. :D Graeme :)

I'd really appreciate it if you guys could give me some constructive criticism on my latest short story: Black Swans After it was posted, I spotted one annoying mistake: the word "activity" is repeated in the first paragraph and it stands out (at least to me). Any comments at all, either what's worked or what hasn't, will be gratefully received. Graeme :)

It is not unusual for one horse to try to mount another, even when they are both male. It's a dominance thing -- part of establishing who is the head horse in the herd. However, the implication is that a stallion will refuse to mount a mare because he's not interested. I haven't heard of that happening.

I think someone told me that this is your first story. Is that right?

It's on the list, you'll just have to be patient :D I've only just gotten around to reading WBMS's ADIP, and that was on the list for months. A friend of mine recommended this story to me, but I haven't found the time to check it out yet. Graeme :)

Just as a partial explanation, Blue questioned whether the word "winnest" was a typo or not. I explained to him that it's the word used commonly by my two sons, and has entered the family vocabulary as a consequence (along with "huggles").

That was often my biggest problem with NB, for the same reason. Scene transitions feel different in first person vs third person.

Great! I needed something to do on the plane to the USA next week, so, I'll see what I can come up with. Cheers! Graeme :D

I would have to say that the main thing that comes over is a feeling of "denial". Not only the constant "I don't smoke", but also in how the narrator isn't involved in what happens -- he is always passive in any actions. I would also say that there is an undercurrent of guilt going through the story. It's listed as a "recurring dream". Could that be because something happened to make the narrator feel guilty, and the constant denial is just a reflection of that? I would've read it completely differently it wasn't for the opening sentence. Reading it as a recurring dream makes the reader look for deeper meanings -- a technique I found very, very effective, but not one that can be used very often. Congratulations!

Happy Birthday, Ben! I won't make any comment about the "40" number since I passed that a few years ago myself... :D Graeme :)

I'm not sure what to make of this, and I think that's good. I can sense there are deep meanings in many parts of this story, but I'm having trouble working them out. I'm going to have to go away and think about it. I suspect it's going to be one of those stories where everyone will take something different out of it.

A great story! I really enjoyed it. I'm very tempted to print it off and read it to my boys when we do book reading tonight. Graeme :)

But you didn't deliver that cliche! You delivered something else, which is a lot more realistic and interesting. You had the geek fall for the jock (which I can easily understand), but the jock didn't completely return those feelings. That's what lift the story out of the ordinary -- NOT being cliched.

Okay, there went my lunch break. I didn't have time to go back and re-read the first six chapters to see what'd changed. I still think ending at chapter 6 would've been fine, but it continued well onto chapter 9. The story was largely driven by the interactions of the characters, which is the sort of story I usually like. I especially liked Aaron in the hospital, talking to Brian. I could see him going through the same conversation as he'd done earlier. Well done! Graeme :)

All my posted stories are here. You don't need to go scouring the net. The only ones I don't have here are the ones I'm still working on. Graeme :)

Welcome, Ryan. And with the formalities out of the way.... I didn't think the story stopped too abruptly. I thought the dialogue in the ending was a little forced, but the way it ended was, to me, almost perfect. It left a lot of things dangling, but the point about the difference between a crush and true affection was very well done. As for raunchy sex scenes, I think you'll find that a fair number of readers skip them. I know I do, and I've seen comments by a few others that indicate that they do, too. Unless a sex scene serves a purpose in the overall storyline, I don't read them. Too often they are just put in to try to satisfy those readers that want "some excitement". They don't help the story and if they are not written well, they can hurt the story by disrupting the flow. Just my opinion. I'm going to have to find some time to go to Nifty to check out the alternative version to see how the differences affect my appreciation of the story (and I do appreciate it). Graeme :)

At the risk of annoying a few people, I'd just like to say I disagree with some of the things in the last few posts. In my opinion, young writers should NOT be treated any different to other writers. ALL writers (and editors) should be treated with respect. Being polite is not something that should only be done if the other person is young. Being rude/abrupt is only acceptable when you know the other person well enough to understand that they will take it in the way intended and not get offended. WBMS has made it quite clear that he's comfortable with receiving a reply "That's crap! Do it again," but he's told us that is acceptable for an editor to say when writing to him. It is NOT acceptable to do so to someone you barely know. As the relationship between an editor and writer develops, they'll learn more about where the boundaries of acceptable responses lie. This is different for different authors/editors. Some authors DO take criticisms very personally and need to be handled adroitly. This applies to some young authors and some old authors. It is NOT an age thing. Just my opinion. Going back to my hole now.... Graeme :D PS: I'm not the sort to take criticism very personally, as long as the criticism is about the writing, and not about me. I DO take personal criticism hard, especially when it's justified....

I agree -- that was one of those priceless little scenes that sticks in the mind. Of course, EleCivil has so many of those in his stories.... :D Graeme :)

A sequel!?! Now I'm going to have to find the time to go to Nifty to read it (unless Dude is bring it here *hint hint*?) Graeme

I lost my last trusty computer through a lightning strike on telephone equipment up the road. The surge appeared to have gone through the internal modem and fried the motherboard. On the good news, that was a Pentium-Pro 180 with a 2GB hard disk and 32MB of RAM. The insurance company replaced it with what they considered to be an entry level computer - Celeron 1.8GHZ, 20GB hard disk and 256MB of RAM. I paid the excess ($100) and then paid a small amount more (about another $100) and got the hard disk and RAM upgraded before they shipped it to me. I now have TWO surge protectors on the phone line, in addition to the one on the powerline. Yes, they aren't perfect, but they help (especially when you live at the end of the power line and supply has been known to become intermittent at times). Graeme