Tragic Rabbit
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, what do you do? "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A rectum stretcher?" And just what does a rectum stretcher do?
Well,she said, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide.
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...."
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You know what MY pet peeve is? People who ASSUME things about word use through time. You know? Mike's use of the word has been in American currency since 1895, according to Stuart Berg Flexner, author of Listening to America and Hear America Talking. The fact that the quote isn't listed on YOUR pet quote site means nothing, quote sites, or even good quotation books, do not list everything the person ever said, and Twain made quite a few funnies in his lifetime. The ONLY authenticated source would be Twain's actual writings, not a quick check of available quotation compilations.
And I think you're missing the point. But I have more to say, to wit:
I also notice anacronisms, but don't always assume something IS one. The zipcode, Zone Improvement Plan, was introduced by the Post Office in 1963, of course (http://www.usps.com/history/history/his2_75.htm), but that's a pretty small mistake for the movies, a medium generally overstuffed with contributors. Who knows who made that small error? Maybe it wasn't an error, maybe USPS prefers zip codes to be listed in films, as part of their education efforts. A whole host of things are controlled that way by persons outside the actual filming, not even including real advertisments, meant for profit, of copyrighted ideas, products and persons.
Examples of 'modern' phrases and their earliest authenticated use with the same meaning:
creepy 1880
discombobulated 1837
frazzled 1872
gripe 1932
bitch (to complain) late 1920s ('to bitch' , same meaning, since 1675)
chat 1440
terrific 1888
crummy 1931
mugger 1863
rip off 1960s
phone (verb) 1880s
cigs 1890s
sweet (meaning 'excellent' or 'wonderful') 1880
ball buster WWII
sticky 1915
tough luck 1890
tough titty 1929
tough shit 1949
crappy 1940s
bogus 1827
cash 1596
faggot/fag 1905
fairy 1908
queer 1920s
pansy, fruit, queen 1930s
swish 1941
homo 1925
ass/jackass 1400
dimwit 1922
cool, crazy, far out, wild, weird-are all from the 1950s
dumb 1736
have kittens (and related phrases) 1900
fool 1275
idiot 1300
pissed off 1948, and earlier
ticked off 1940s
pretty boy 1920s
ignoramus 1577
moron 1910
millionaire 1820s
billionaire 1861
Mother's Day first observed 1908
Father's Day first observed 1910
...and Thomas Jefferson introduced hamburgers and french fries together as a meal, not McDonald's. Daylight Savings Time was adopted by Congress in 1918, to save coal and electricity during WWI, but was based on 'railroad time' which, including time zones, had been in use since 1883. Vitamins were invented/discovered in 1912. Cigarettes and pajamas didn't become popular until the early 20th century. People didn't start wearing underwear until the 1830s, but that was mostly men and children, women didn't regularly wear them until later. Night shirts for men first came into popularity in the 1840s, but current estimates put the number of men who still sleep in either underwear or the nude at 60%.
Never, ever assume.
TR
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Reminds me a bit of White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane.
Photo is SOOO big, honey. (Don't you love when men tell you that?)
Ever seen the bumper sticker/tee shirt slogan: Reality is for People who can't Face Drugs?
and, of course,
Better Living Through Chemistry, which was, I think, a Devo slogan at one point.
But you know, drugs don't kill, people do.
Kisses...
TR
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It's hard to...read that blue, baby
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TR, since you live east of Eden, move on over to the east coast.
Oop's, forgot, my BF might not like that when he comes for a visit. :twisted:
Your boyfriend might not like us sharing a coast? :sex:
TR :tongue8:
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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a handsome genie standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish --- each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, " I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bar tender turns to the man and says, "I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
*
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real dick. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy ...you explain the kids."
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Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five quid!!!"
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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh, Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good
idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious
sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a
fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, . . . . . . . . . . .
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!!"
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Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a
hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in
your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf Ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q . Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of
true love?
A. The swallow.
Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the
morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
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An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix! me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money."
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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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A young couple took their three-year-old son to the Doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese.
That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese
in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," the boy exclaimed."For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied.
"The rest are for your father."
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A man in a restaurant orders the house special. An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup.
Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee.
Finally, he angrily asks the waiter why he has his thumb in all his hot food. The waiter says, "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm."
The annoyed customer says, "Why don't you stick it up your ass!"
And the waiter says, "I do that in the kitchen!"
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a littleperch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, Iwonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy Shit" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto yourperch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my dick around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour,he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.
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I was expecting to read a joke about Aussies, not a joke from an Aussie....
A terribly stereotypical opinion of New Zealanders I must say. When did you move to Australia, TR? :D
Graeme
I hear the boys are cute there, maybe I should. I would definitely like to leave Tejas...
TR
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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men..
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a
sports car
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
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A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breath."
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE.
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be
perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
One morning, a blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over and help me. I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.
She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box. He turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow stepped on her.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at
the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
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A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."
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Wouldn't this post look prettier in the BON forums??
Kisses...
TR
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FOX REPORTS BAD NEWS
White House Demands InvestigationIn a stunning departure from its standard operating procedure, the Fox News Channel began reporting bad news last week, startling its viewers and prompting the White House to launch a full-fledged investigation of the cable news giant.
Initially, the White House elected to take a ?wait and see? attitude towards Fox?s foray into reporting bad news, hoping perhaps that the network?s decision to report stories that were unflattering to the government was merely an aberration, or perhaps the result of a clerical error.
But as the days wore on, the White House grew increasingly impatient with Fox?s persistent reporting of bad news and became determined to put a stop to it.
?This is the sort of monkey business we expect to see from CNN or MSNBC, but not Fox,? a visibly agitated White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters on Monday. ?If Fox continues to report bad news, it could very well have its license revoked.?
For his part, on Tuesday President Bush offered a more terse comment about Fox?s decision to report bad news: ?This will not stand. Not on my watch.?
Later, Mr. Bush softened his tone somewhat, telling reporters that the White House ?must wean itself from its dependence on Fox and must develop alternative sources of news.?
Rupert Murdoch, the owner of the Fox News Channel, could not be reached for comment because he was busy fighting with his relatives, a Fox spokesman said.
Elsewhere, moments after Sen. Hilary Clinton (D-NY) called for an investigation of the government?s emergency response, the White House agreed to launch an investigation of Sen. Clinton.
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt....?rec=1211&srch=
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A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station
just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and she walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
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