Tragic Rabbit
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Ever hunted a wild Tofu across the plains of antarctica? Me niether, but a less confusing question is: "Which do you prefer, beef or poultry or fish?"
Beef of course :)
I prefer commas and only one 'or' when listing choices in a series. Was this a trick question?
TR
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It's really more just up for self-interpretation. You can take it as sardonicism if you like or just a bit of tongue in cheek sardonic babble, or even something really deep and serious.
go for feedback if you feel like it. It'd be cool to hear, I guess?
I do have more, but mostly in different styles. Maybe I'll post some of them soon.
Gabe, this is Josiah (I think!), a new author recently acquired by AD. An essay of his is on the front page but what we're really working on is The Angel, an unusual serialized novel he's almost finished with. Maybe it'll be up by next week.
Josiah, you might be interested to learn that both Gabe and I have Angel novels, his is called 'Angel' and mine is 'Drama Club', featuring Angel. Neither are like yours though. We also have Jamie's 'Scrolls of Icaria', a lovely sword and sorcery type thing with winged boys. Again, very different from YOUR Angel. I'm trying to keep people in suspense until the first chapters of 'The Angel' are actually posted. This is all to save you time when people say, hey, ANOTHER AD Angel?? WUWT?
And...
Welcome to the Poetry Forum, Josiah! Uh, if you're back at the PC, can you help with the edits, please? We're having a bit of a time with the formatting...
Kisses...
TR 8)
PS. Gabe, I think he's your age.
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Thank you very much for the pretty postings, I appreciate them. Especially now.
TR
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Interesting. I rather like the ending, it is very much more personal than the rest. I also like the parallelism present in the first and last stanzas. It make sthe poem all more meaningful.
I also think the alliteration of the last three lines in the fourth stanza is quite nice, but the but is a little awkward in the second line of that same stanza. Perhaps some effort to make the beginning of each line in the fourth stanza alliterized (is this a word? it is now, i guess) would create a definitive line dividing the two halves of the poem and establishing more of a parallel effect without prodding the rest around so much.
The word bi-centennial is also awkward, i think. Maybe changing it to penny would keep a soft effect, and make the brightness of the boy seem warm also... hmmm, it is awkward, but belongs so much because the topic is a boy in history class, a US history calss, it seems.
Along with the seemingly awkward bicentennial in the fourth stanza, I believe that you could further establish some parallelism in a visual sense by shortening the last two lines. The third line could be shortened by removing is what and possibly playing with the syntax. The last line could be shortened by removing Me.
These are only observes, I know I can be quite offensive, but please try not to take it that way.
Hmmm, yes, indeed very interesting.
-Naiilo
I'm going to be nice here but first I'd like to say that you were the one asking for style tips, not me. Not at all. Comments, yes. Since you did this, this time, here's my (secondary-my initial was digital) response:
1) I don't think parallel lines make anything at all more meaningful, they just sounded prettier in my head. And that's it. The last stanza is not more personal than the earlier ones. Not much is more personal than a physical response, when your breath catches just because someone you like is close-that's personal, baby. Words not said, things not done, those are personal ideas, especially when you are looking back...not necessarily regretfully, just thoughtfully. Enjoying the experience, maybe a trifle astonished that someone has remained so clear in a corner of your mind, someone not your lover. Maybe the not-lovers, the unkissed boys, are the ones best remembered anyhow.
2) 'but' is in the first line, not the second, and that's on purpose...and that's how I like it. I know that makes it jagged, I like jagged edges. I like pretty sounds. I never 'alliterize' on purpose, I write what I hear...and sometimes there's alliteration. Sometimes there's something else. I don't 'prod' anything around, I just write what I hear in my head. And I don't always want definitive lines, I don't always care for them in poetry OR prose, mine or someone else's. One reason I'm a fan of Gabe's stuff.
3) Bicentennial is the word I meant. It refers to 1976. There were commerative coins struck. A bicentennial coin is shiny, like the 1976 dollar in my jewelry box, because you don't use it, you save it. Also, it's something historical in History class. So I don't see how changing 'bicentennial' to 'penny' would be at all good (do you think 'bicentennial' means 'tuppence'?). The boy shines in my memory LIKE a shiny coin. If you don't like this line, fine, but I like it okay just as it is, thanks.
Don't you find it difficult always to be so correct, Professor Higgins?
4) I would change the meaning AND change what I heard in my head were I to make those changes and, further, I see no point. The last line is MEANT to be the way it is and there's nothing wrong with the syntax. It is deliberately not simple usage but it is correct usage...and even if it wasn't, it would still be what I want there. Removing 'me' would ruin the last line, in my opinion. And, as I say, I like the structure, the order of the words, in the second to last line. Of course, since you started out by saying you 'rather like the ending', this is all a bit...
5) It is difficult to take you as anything other than what you are, Dear Henry. Perhaps you could try another key?
And I have now written more words in a post than are contained in the poem it discusses.
TR
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Because AJ forced me to count lines (damn his eyes!), I'll add my penninsky (?) pence. I agree about (1), think (2) would be good but is ok w/o the change, but for (3), that means something entirely different AND gives a different image-the one Der Nail has combines skin glowing outward with knowledge/years AND showing up as in showing us the effects of years, so I cannot agree with AJ. (4) was utterly weird to me, I only realized you meant an article of furniture after several reads, I am not sure 'lounger' is a good choice for your image here, nor see any need for furniture references at all, frankly and (5) I get what AJ means here but I also think breaking up patterns has uses...like when you stick in a punchline that differs mightily from the main text...for effect. Bells ringing, Naillo?
I agree flatout with DJ, RusticMonk and Codeyspen. :twisted:
Now listen, I don't pretend to be the sweet one around here but have you offered enough (constructive) criticism to be able to demand in several posts that we supply you with same? I'm just thinking here of some of your posting patterns, you know, that thing you said not to mention. Well, I'm mentioning it. I think you should be glad for this response thread, most of the stuff I post here gets ziltch and took a lot more time than a poem. I complain now and then, sometimes noisily, but that's how it is. A little quid'll get you more quo. Of course, they also compare honey and vinegar in regards to flies but since when do I listen to 'they'? Ok, that's my contribution, flyboy.:twisted:
Kisses cast like pearls....
TR
First of all, it's a good poem. The critiques I'm going to make are all pretty picayune, and only in the nature of fine tuning--the broad strokes are all there.1.) put a comma at the end of the first line--it enhances the feeling of parallel structure.
2.) delete 'slightly' from the second line--it scans better without it.
3.)line 4 would read better as 'pale skin bleached by the passage of years.' because it provides an assortment of sonic devices, both assonance and alliteration within the line and with the next line.
4.) In line six, "Weakened body against the strong back of a lounger." would give you a nice sense of contrast.
5.)In lines 8 and 9, you set up a parallel structure, and then you abandon it in line 10. Is this deliberate? if not, perhaps "A murmur of final words." would be better...it completes the parallel structure, and it flows nicely from 'Another sigh of warning.' And you have the repeated 'ur' sounds in 'murmur' and 'words.'
so that's my critique, with the proviso and reminder that this is all just my opinion.
cheers!
aj
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The Untouched Boy by TR
In History class, you sat beside me;
The untouched boy, long legs akimbo,
Hair silken against your collar and
Clever comments beneath your breath.
I never told you, never said a thing
But your low voice would give me shivers,
Would chill my flesh and warm my hearth
Until your words melted to murmurs.
My face said nothing, my lips said less
But your hand brushing against my skin
Would chase the Gilded Age and those
European wars clean out of my head.
I was a talker, a drama princess, but
Looking at you left me inarticulate
Longing for you left me short of breath
Listening for you left me deaf to the world.
I never told you that I wanted to touch you,
Needed your heartbeat under my fingertips,
To trace the pulse inside those tight jeans
And steal your breath between parted lips.
I?ve lost your name but recognize your scent
And well remember how you slouched in that desk,
Whispering to me while the Depression bloomed;
Grapes of Wrath, sweet on the vine, unpicked.
Among all the men I?ve known and forgotten
You shine like a bright bicentennial coin;
The History I best remember is what never was-
Me leaning over just once for your trembling kiss.
*
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LOL, thats way cool, hehe :-D
Haha, thanks and welcome to AD, DJ. For more of my insane humor (in verse), you can try: 'Dead Boyfriends', 'Ode to a Wilted Trojan', 'You Are So Cold' and 'My Love is Like a Red, Red Rose'. If they aren't all here, they're definitely at www.tragicrabbit.org in the Poetry section. Also on that site are Codey's poems and things. My favorite of his is the Unicorn one...
Kisses...
TR
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The Dude's been making me read stuff lately and I finally read Fifteen. Damn. Really gorgeous. I'm deeply jealous of the word use-ments the author structures and his lovely strings of English. The sex is beautiful, the boys are wonderful, the situation believable, nothing overdone or underdone. Sigh.
Really excellent. Sweet, sad, precious story.
Kisses...
TR
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This story is awesome, please go read it. The Dude made me and I'm so glad he did, despite how I never seem to have time to read everything I want to. This is a great story, lots of romance and sex, great historical stuff but even better current events.
Synopsis: 170-year-old Austrian Prince Karl Josef Gustav, Karli, our narrator vampire, awakes in 2004 with a problem: how to find his lost true love, who is surely reincarnated (again) after a fatal encounter with the SS in wartime Germany. En route, Karli picks up hottie hustler Emil Paulik from a Zurich park for a little nighttime fun but gets much more than he bargained for-as does Emil. Karli, the mortal Emil at his side, follows his lost love to a United States overrun by fascisti Christian fundamentalists whose uniformed street brawlers remind him disturbingly of Berlin between the wars. Will Karl reunite with his reborn true love? And will Emil choose to become a vampire? Will America become the new Nazi state? What can an Austrian vampire in Georgetown do to thwart the plans of fanatics high in the American government and military?
Read Dark Prince to find out...linked front and center on AwesomeDude's homepage.
Kisses...
TR
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My favorite tee-shirts from that site:
I Only Support Gay Marriage If Both Chicks Are Hot
Frat Boys Give The Best Blowjobs
I Taught Your Boyfriend That Thing You Like
It's Okay That I Eat Meat Cuz I Eat All The Gay Animals
If You're Already This Close, Why Don't You Just Suck My Dick?
Sorry Girls, I Suck Dick
Some of My Best Friends Are White People
You'll Vote Next Time, Hippie
All I Want Is Peace In The MiddleEast (and a blowjob)
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James, I don't believe I'm confusing style with quality. There are styles of writing that I wouldn't even attempt yet (and that's where TR has me in awe), but I'm going by the "feel" of the stories. Creative writing is ultimately about the ability to instill a feeling or sense of emotions in the reader through the use of words. I'm trying to improve my ability to do this.
Aww, thanks. I keep trying different things that come into my head, still looking for my 'style' or my 'voice', whatever that may be. Looking for ways to express visions or feelings that appear inside my brain. I'm experimenting and that's one reason, I think, that DC has slowed down to a crawl, it has a specific style and form and my head/heart want to flex in other directions. I still like the longer form of a novel but it's easier to experiment with short stories and poems since they're shorter. I want to find new ways, new for me anyhow, of sharing feelings from my inside with readers. New ways of seeing things that float around my head, see if other people grok them. And that's how I try to improve, that and reading constantly, online and off. I've always read and I do believe that reading is the best preparation for writing, that and writing itself as much as you can. Nothing like practice to make perfect, or anyhow improve.
Kisses...
TR
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Interesting poem, TR, very interesting. I think, and you have every right to disagree, that the last word- "fridge" - takes away from the rest of the language used. It is appropriate, and rhyming, but also so much different than the other words. I don't have a suggestion as to what to replace it with, but I figured I would let you know what I thought. Have a nice day.
-N
Yes, that was deliberate, as part of the 'punchline'.
TR
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Are all y'all (see? the thread was not wasted!) familiar with "The Book of Bunny Suicides"? It's a charming little volume of methods by which rabbits commit suicide...I am a fan of black and morbid humor, so it worked for me. I particularly liked the one with the picture of the bunny standing on the ledge below Big Ben, at 12:30. The bunny has tied a noose to the minute hand, and the other end around his neck.
aj
No, I think rabbits typically expire in the commission of that act for which they are most famous, and which has littered the world with bunnies. Quantity and quality.
Tragic, but what a way to go.
Kisses...
Tragic Bunny
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:smt059
That is not Angel in the fridge, Dude.
Kisses...
TR
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Haha, love it. Murders every 10th-grade-love-poem cliche ever written.
I am so romantical that it makes me sneeze.
Kisses...
TR
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You Are So Cold
You are so cold, my Love,
Wherefore art thou so, pray do tell?
Have I not loved you long,
And, have I not loved you well?
Sweet, why the frozen smiles,
Why thus, your snowcapped frosty glare?
Have you ceased to want me,
Dear, do you no longer care?
You gave your beating heart,
Beloved, gave it up to me;
And I have kept it close,
Under kisses, lock and key.
You are my heart?s true love,
You are my hard-won symphony;
There are no words to tell
Just how much you mean to me.
Your icy gaze repels, your
Cold shoulder, a mountain ridge;
Would you look on me more fondly
If I took you from the fridge?
*
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My Love Is Like a Red, Red Rose
My love is like a red, red rose:
All spiky leaves and thorny,
Crawling thick with icky bugs;
Too bad I?m always horny.
My love is like a field in bloom:
Dirty, unkempt, rank with weeds;
It?s just my goddamn bad luck
That I?m packing what he needs.
My love is like a sunset dream,
Or nightmare that never ends;
I ask when he?ll get a life,
He just answers, ?That depends.?
My love is like the deep blue sea:
Salty, stormy and all wet;
I hope the jerk will dry up
But it hasn?t happened yet.
My love is like a pure white dove:
Sharp beak, squawking to be fed,
Pinfeathers, bird mites and germs;
Tends to shit right on my head.
*
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That's so very beautiful, Elecivil. Your stuff, poetry and prose, always makes me feel awkward with words. You're wonderful.
Kisses...
TR
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All My Old Boyfriends
If I took all my old boyfriends
And stacked them way up high,
Pairs of feet atop of shoulders,
I?d build a tower to the sky.
That big skyscraper might wobble
And topple to earth soon,
But before it all had crumpled
It would have reached up to the moon.
If I took up those old lovers,
Then laid them end to end,
My willy would be exhausted
And might take several days to mend.
*
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Good.
The dryest wit in the West.
Kisses...
TR
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Ode to a Wilted Trojan
(with apologies to Percy B. Shelley)
Oh, weary Wilted Condom, husk of playful night,
Thou, with whose assistance the guns of love
Are loaded, then soon shot off, out of sight.
Lubed and ribbed, minty fresh, tightly rolled,
Panic striken multitudes agree: O thou,
Keep us safe whilst in your glove-like hold.
Each gift of seed, given forth but not for issue,
Each swollen condom a corpse within its grave,
Thine latex doth encase; less need for tissue.
Your spermicidal scent, resounding rubber snap;
(Sweet signal, O let the sweaty games begin)
Coaxed easy from your individual foil wrap.
Wild and Wilted Condom, which art lying by my bed;
Destroyer and preserver; hast the fires of new love fed.
*
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Nice work, TR--bordering on brilliant. It has me teary-eyed as I write this...It's a quantum leap from your earlier stuff, which was damn good to start with. It displays a depth of insight and emotion that is lovely to read and experience. Thanks for a fantastic read.
cheers!
aj
Thank you AJ, that's a wonderful compliment and comment, I just wish it weren't the only one I got. But I do thank you, very, very much. Though Dude also said he liked it in N&V, or maybe that was just his cat that liked it.
I'm curious, though, about the quantum leap. How's that, if you can be specific? Is it better than Lucky Strike or Some Enchanted Evening, or just better than Drama Club's worse and/or early chapters?
It doesn't feel good to keep writing things without getting responses. Also feels as responses arrive in reverse proportion to the amount of work that the story required, which is most disheartening. Little nothings get more comment than something that took more of what I call work. And I don't even have an Editor to tell me I'm a clever boy.
Kisses...to AJ. (I want to have his babies)
TR, having cheese with his whine
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T
I do have other things in my head btw, which will hopefully germinate into something readable.
Again, my thanks...Rick Grahame :-)
Hmm, 'germinate'? If you came here looking for fertilizer, you came to the right place, Rick, look no further!
SO glad you joined us and so glad you're available. I've been trying to contact you. Can you resend that other story to me, and anything else you might have lying about? I might want to run the little one, despite what we talked about, after an edit job, if that's okay with you.
Kisses...
TR
story-editor@awesomedude.com
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Notice that he never mentions their packages, nor their asses.
aj
:lol:
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Poem: I am what I am I fear no consequence
in Poets' Corner
Posted
I liked it alot, esp the title line-sounds a bit e. e. cummings. Is this your first poem here at AD?
Kisses...
TR