[confession time...Again]

Dear Rick,I have waited some days before responding to your posting - this because I have felt like a deer caught in headlights ... not knowing what to say, in a private message or on your blog etc. I finally decided to post my reply on your blog - both to honor your openness, and to make my message available to other hivpositive persons who may read this post.I send you empathy - I have been hivpositive since 1993. There are somatic and mental ups and downs, and as one gets older even more questions regarding additional diagnoses, what medications go well together with hiv meds and which do not, many questions regarding the effects of medications over time and the effects of the virus which hides itself in places such as the brain and organs, etc. Reading up on latest research will take up a bit of your time, but one also needs time to get other questions about life (and death) in perspective. Creative expression is a necessity for many artists and writers diagnosed with hiv/aids. It has been essential to me. hugs and kisses,adam

[77. Warranties and phonecalls]

All familiar problems - even across the Atlantic ocean. I got suckered into purchasing a combination printer, scanner, copy machine and fax. The machine works well, but the two ink cartridges are extremely expensive , and are hard to find in stores because the manufacturer tries to get everyone to purchase them online, which is quite expensive because of shipping costs. My solution for large manuscript print-outs: I email the copy to my local copy center, which prints and binds the manuscript for a nominal cost. I save on paper, electricity, ink and stress. The Indian technicians and technical advisors for my anti-virus program software are, however, fantastic.

[June or Something Like That]

Jason, I would like to give you a cyber hug ... not in empathy, but in respect for the wonderful soul-bearing that you have written in this blog entry. Many of your sentiments are certainly shared by many -- not only here at AD, but in many web communities all over the world. Feeling "in" and feeling "uncertain as to how much one actually is a part of a cyber community, and the personal costs" is a fantastic story or novel theme I should think. I have also (as you can see) deleted my blog contents and started over. It is refreshing to clear out the "old", and to just upload poetry and short literary texts, when I feel for it ... and without commentary. All literature involves a good deal of one's Self, even though the characters and situations are fictionalized. Like it has been said about dreams: the dreamer is actually a part of every personality and character in his/her dream.Posting much of your personal life progressions on a blog can be "therapeutic", and it can become a "rut" sometimes. Posting your feelings, experiences, questions etc. through literature is a fantastic way of sharing one's growth and changing perceptions with others. In your blog you can experiment with short forms like poetry, you can showcase things you have written before or are still working on, and you can delete them or change them as you wish.Regarding arguments and assertions on the forums and blogs, I feel that the cyber community is by nature too difficult to deal with many questions in depth or seriously. Largely because there are always reasons that one has certain opinions which are experience-based, fear-based, culture-based or because of personal challenges -- and these things do not come adequately forward. You have a very "rich" talent for expressing your life experiences and feelings. That is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for an artist / author. Discussions, arguments, debates etc. are sometimes interesting and sometimes tiring. In the end I have but one question and one interest: "where is the art ?!!" xoxoadam

[My New Site]

Good job, Jason. As usual, your honesty and ability to be "in the moment" is stunning. Congratulations!

[My New Site]

Hey there Jason !Just wanted to let you know that I visited your site, and read several of your poems shortly after you made your proud announcement. Congratulations. As usual, your personal honesty and ability to be in "the now" is stunning.Keep up the good work !

[At the Moment]

spending a luxurious day ... in bed (hard work, but possibly rewarding).I am very glad that you and others make these posts, Rad. They are a reminder of the humanity that exists and lives in each and every one of us. They bring out a sense of empathy and loving concern -- both of which I (for one) often feel to be lacking in everyday existence. Furthermore I, for one, see much potential writing material in many of the personal posts published on this forum. What a wonderful stream of consciousness piece: "The day I did not get out of bed" would be. Think of all that could transpire in terms of thoughts, fantasies, dreams, boredom, boredom with boredom, guilt feelings, the joy of rebellion against doing what 'one really should rather be doing', personal activities etc. -- all during a day spent in bed instead of following one's obligations. Everyone wants/needs to be "bad" every now and then. Not necessarily all the time, and not necessarily "very bad" ... perhaps just a little naughty and undisciplined, perhaps just for one day ... or one hour ... I never afforded myself the luxury of playing "hookey" or not doing my homework when I was your age, and I am still pretty much 'anal retentive'. However, every now and then I now plan "no" days -- days where I consequently say "no" to whatever, just to experience the opposite of what I usually say (which is all too often an unqualified "yes"). Sounds stupid, perhaps ... but the psychic effect of sharpening my senses in even such meaningless ways can be exciting. We all live with the inevitability of death and mundane obligations from the moment we are born, but it is not death or life that should be feared. According to me, the only thing to fear is eventually fear itself ... and hopefully I/we will eventually surpass that one as well.So what would (might) happen if you actually did not get out of bed tomorrow? Would it kick start an exciting story or novel? Or even help you to see the glass as being half full rather than half empty?I look forward to the next installment of the story ... "the day I did not get out of bed"...

[At the Moment]

lots of good advice here ... but in the end, you must make your choices and decisions yourself. decisions are often made on the basis of feelings and intuition, and sometimes on the basis of a personal cost benefit analysis (what can I gain ... and what do I have to lose?)you are at a so young age that (looking back over the decades) I see mostly possibilities of testing out experiences, reactions and consequences in front of you; and that is wonderful. what is "fun" for you? what makes you want to get out of bed in the morning? what makes you curious? what makes you want to learn more about something, or what do you want to do/learn more about? allow yourself to play the "fool" (as in the tarot card deck), and explore creative ways of living and being "you" -- constantly in a process of growing and change. be a little irresponsible every now and them if you need to. there are no "mistakes" -- only things that might have to be repaired a bit in aftersight. and the great thing about becoming an "adult" is that with each new experience, we hopefully learn more about our own capacities to deal with whatever that comes about during a day or evening.it does not really matter what one dies of ... but how we feel about our contributions to our own personal/spiritual development and the overall development of collective societal consciousness.we can each only do a relatively small part, but every one of us is important and everything is connected.in regards to blame, and to everyone doing the best they can: this is something everyone deals with in their everyday human responses and development. currently, I have decided that it is not healthy to always blame oneself and not to expect that others act responsively -- despite their many human challenges. everyone has challenges; and many of them are (on one level or another) self-chosen or self-maintained. and that is ok, because it tells us what we feel that we need. find out what your created situations and your reactions are telling you about how you see yourself, and how you WANT to see yourself and be seen. writing is great for that kind of work and observation.no one does the best they can all the time, and sometimes what we or others do just does not seem to be good enough. it is ok to feel that way. it is even ok to tell others how you feel in regards to their engagement, motives, actions/behaviour, and that you expect(ed) more or something different from them. but do not expect others to change. we can only change ourselves -- our own behaviour and expectations. and sometimes it actually does help to change physical and social environment in order to more easily become who we "now" are, without getting stuck in who we have been (both to ourselves, in relation to those persons we have had contact with in the past, and in the eyes of others).have fun ... life is a roller-coaster, and not always easy to make sense out of. but you are creative, and you have a wonderful talent and outlet: your writing. bring these feelings and experiences into your writing. they are classic/traditional, but also therefore always interesting (with your own personal twist, of course). if writing novels or short stories is too close or confining right now, then try something even more active like writing a short play or film script.