Instructions for giving a cat a pill

[bilal]

 
1.   Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the  cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 
2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
 
3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
 
4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
 
5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call someone to help.
 
6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged between knees.  Hold front and rear paws firmly.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get helper to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down and rub cats throat vigorously.
 
7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.  Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered Royal Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
 
8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get helper to stretch out flat on top of the cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw.  Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
 
9.  Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans.  Drink glass of water to take taste away.  Apply Band Aid to helpers forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
 
10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
 
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check record for date of your last tetanus shot.  Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
 
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.  Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.   Take last pill from foil wrap.
 
13.  Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cats mouth open with small spanner.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
 
14.  Get helper to drive you to the accident and emergency hospital.  Sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant from right eye.  Stop at furniture shop on the way home to order a new tabel.
 
15.  Arrange for ASPCA to find a new home for cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.

[Trab]

It's hardly any easier taking charge of badly matted hair, and the cat has that pair of scissors conveniently at hand. 

[Pedro]

So much truth there!

When I was nobbut a lad, I came across a book called ‘How to live with a Calculating Cat’. There was a pill fight in there where the author said the only way to play the game was to cheat: grind the pill up and dust it on the cat’s fur, the cat will then wash itself ingesting the powdered pill.

There was a companion book ‘How to live with a Neurotic Dog’. The dog was probably neurotic because it lived with the cat. 

[colinian]

🤣 

That's one of the reasons why we don't have a cat. Or a dog.

There's another option to give the pill to your cat. It will be somewhat more expensive, but it will not require that you schedule a visit to the emergency care department at your local hospital:

1.  Take the cat to the animal hospital, making sure to bring the cat's pills with you.
2.  Leave the cat with the veterinarian with instructions that he or she should give the cat it's pill after you've left.
3.  Avoid gasping when you're told how much it is going to cost.
4.  Leave the animal hospital and return home.
5.  Do not return to the animal hospital to pick up your cat for at least one week, or whatever amount of time is necessary to insure that the cat will have forgotten that you're the one who brought it to the animal hospital.
6.  At this point you are allowed to gasp when you're told how much this is costing you.
7.  Pay by credit card; you probably don't carry that much cash with you.

Colin 

[Camy]

We have a very particular Siamese who rules the roost. 1-3 and 6-7 are spot on - except it was Spode and not Doulton.

I wouldn't dare take her to the vets as she'd never speak to us again.

They don't like it. Why should they? They didn't give permission to be assaulted by their serfs.