Replying to Relatives

[blue]

Very soon, I may out myself one way or another to my extended family. A close relative forwarded an email from one of those political, pseudo-religious groups that claims to defend "family values" and opposes homosexuality. The email objects to an education association's support of equal rights for GLBT folks. Imagine! Fair treatment of students and staff on campus! How shocking! GRRR....

I have had it with that relative sending me crap on that and many other subjects, disguised as "good, right, moral, American, Christian," when they are a matter of opinion. I don't believe they are either Christian or American values.

So I am writing a reply, and I am going to ask a few friends what they think of it, before sending it. I will be as fair-minded and reasonable as possible, in hopes that some people might change their minds, or at least listen.

I will not be surprised if it becomes a family argument. As you might expect, that relative is the argumentative, negative one, whose religion and politics are always saying "no" to someone. Well, it is high time I said "no" back. -- I don't know yet if I'm going to out myself to everyone. I do know I'm going to tell them I support fair and equal treatment of homosexual people in school, both on campus and in the curriculum.

I expect some family members to accept and support my opinion. I expect the particular relative may quit speaking to me for a while. I hate that that person seems to like to stir up trouble. I love my family. I have been avoiding this for a long time, because I didn't want to do anything to divide the people I love.

It's ironic and sad. I have been so reluctant to do something which might ostracize me, that I have not been talking to them or visiting them regularly. So I have effectively already isolated myself. That is a telling measure of how deep this goes for me, because family love is hugely important to me. This hurts, damn it.

Well, it is time for me to take a stand again, and do what I wish I'd done a long time ago. It will be a while before I send my reply, and then I guess I'll see who is my loving family and who is just a relative. This could affect all my personal and professional relationships too. -- But already, in the friends I've come out to, and the new friends I've found, I've found that things can go better than I could hope. So I know that I'll make it.

A few weeks ago, Dude gently reminded me that sometimes we choose our own family, and they become true family. I have already told a couple of my closest friends here that I consider them family. Others of you have become good friends, whether I have said so or not.

I'm going to need the support of my friends, and my chosen family, here online and in person. -- I know that I have that from many of you, without you even saying it. Please know that I appreciate it. -- I will get through this. It will change me. But I will be freer, and I will end up more sure of who are my true family and friends, the people whom I choose, and who choose me.

Some of us take a long time to move. For some of us, it takes a lot to make us act out boldly for what we truly believe, for what we otherwise do quietly. Yes, sometimes we have trouble to keep moving, and we need help to do it.

Yeah, this is emotional and long, but this is the real me, unfiltered. Thanks for listening. -- I hope I can say it as well so my relatives will hear what's in my heart.

[Tanuki Racoon]

I'm going to need the support of my friends, and my chosen family, here online and in person. -- I know that I have that from many of you, without you even saying it. Please know that I appreciate it. -- I will get through this. It will change me. But I will be freer, and I will end up more sure of who are my true family and friends, the people whom I choose, and who choose me.

You have my online emotional support if you need it -- for whatever that may be worth. Good luck!

[DesDownunder]

Dear blue,

I sympathise with your situation. We all react differently to these moments.

My mother was very upset when she thought I might be having a relationship with another man. However in the sixties you never admitted anything. (Homosexuality was still illegal then.)

She knew but didn't talk about it. She just wanted me to be happy, she said.

I remember many years ago, my grandmother was living with my partner and me as she was convalescing from a broken hip.

We thought she was bed ridden, but early one morning the bedroom door swung open and she stood there leaning against the door frame looking at us cuddling in bed.

"Aha!" she said, "That's what I thought."

She turned and went back to her bedroom.

My partner asked me what we should do?

I was lucky enough to have a moment of insight and told him, "Nothing. If we respond to her, we have to have an argument. If we do nothing then nothing will happen."

We looked after her till she died many years later in her own home.

(We lived in our own place.)

She never mentioned it again except for a brief reference once, to how she did not approve of my having a boyfriend, but that he was a kind man, obviously good for me, and she did not want to know (any more). She added that she would have liked grandchildren. I told her it didn't seem likely.

To my surprise she burst out laughing, saying, "That seems obvious."

I know that my experience is not really what you are facing and it is from a very different era, but please be careful. Sometimes it is not necessary to or even needed to be out to everyone.

My partner still plays it quiet. Me? I am out there like you wouldn't believe, like only you can when all the close family have gone.

"Hi I am Des and you should know that I am the man my mother warned me about.", has been my statement to all my trainees and new co-workers at work.

My workmates all hide around the corner to watch the reactions.

I know what it is like to be ostracized. I was invited once and only once to a primary school re-union when I was 45. Now primary school was hell on Earth for me. My red hair and pale skin was enough to ensure that I was bashed every day at school and even the teachers berated me. I was called a sissy and poofter all the time. (How did I ever survive?) I was seven - twelve years old.

Well, at the re-union one of the now obese bullies came over to me like I was long lost friend and slapped me on the back. I momentarily thought the re-union was just an excuse to bash me again.

"How are you?" he inquired, "Did you bring your wife and kids?"

I was furious. "No", I told him, "You all told me I was a fag so often at school that I thought I must be so I would like you to meet my husband."

He ran from me and I never got invited to a re-union again. I wonder why?

Oh dear I have got carried away, haven't I?

What I am trying to say, blue, is that sometimes it is right to come out and other times it is best say nothing.

Only you can know which is best and when.

From your post You seem to understand your sitution very well.

When I have put pen to paper to let off steam, I have often found that was all I needed to make me stronger and realise my detractors are not worth it. Other times, of course it is worthwhile to stand up for what we believe in.

Your intended letter sounds well thought out.

These are very different times, and I am sure we will all be thinking of you. I certainly will.

Best Wishes,

Des.

[Tragic Rabbit]

Very soon, I may out myself one way or another to my extended family.

Blue, you might wait until Oct 11 for Coming Out Day:

http://www3.kumc.edu/diversity/other/comeout.html

Some 'coming out' resources, courtesy HRC:

http://www.hrc.org/Template.cfm?Section=Coming_Out

Kisses...

TR

[Graeme]

Best wishes, Blue.

This subject has also been on my mind a lot, though for different reasons. I'll send you an email with some of my thoughts, just in case you find something useful.

~hugs~

Graeme :)

[blue]

Thanks, guys. I'm sure it'll be a mix. I'm hoping for a few nice surprises along with whatever else shakes loose. It might even be a tempest in a teapot, since only my grandmother lives nearby, and it's been a while since I was 18. :)

[TalonRider]

You know we're with you Blue. The best of luck on what ever you decide to do.

J

[The Pecman]

I expect some family members to accept and support my opinion. I expect the particular relative may quit speaking to me for a while. I hate that that person seems to like to stir up trouble. I love my family. I have been avoiding this for a long time, because I didn't want to do anything to divide the people I love.

Don't worry about it if you can. I came out a long time ago (almost half a lifetime ago now), and I called up or talked to all my close friends, one at a time, and broke the news to them. All I said was, "I've been thinking about some things lately, and figured some things out about myself, and I wanted you to know I've finally accepted being gay."

I explained to them that I was still the same person they've always known -- just that now there's one more thing they now know that they didn't know about me before.

My relatives had no problem with it, but a couple of my friends kinda stopped calling me. The ones that mattered stuck around. I occasionally bumped into the non-friends, but I was always courteous and never brought up their freeze-out. As far as I was concerned, it was their problem, not mine.

Making this step takes some courage, but in my case, once I did, I felt a big weight off my chest. Smarter minds than me have said, "it's not being gay that makes people crazy; it's having to hide it for most of your life that does the harm." Having to worry about one less thing will help you in the long run.

[Rad]

hey Blue! you have more balls than me :D

I don't know wether or not I'd ever come out to my family. Mostly because my family consists of my social security net well, we're asians after all :?

But I'm sure you have thought of this long and hard and you aware of the risks. For what it worth, I'm hoping the BEST to you. Good luck!

Cheers & be well,

RAD [/i]

[Tanuki Racoon]

hey Blue! you have more balls than me :D

Naw, my guess is he he's got two just like you. It's just that his are BRASS.

[Rad]

Naw, my guess is he he's got two just like you. It's just that his are BRASS.

And mine are made of cotton????? :cussing:

Just joking! :D :D Seriously, I admire him.

Cheers & be well,

Rad

[blue]

We had a forum update that unfortunately dropped a supposedly brilliant reply, in between Rad's and WBMS' replies. I'll try to be as brilliant this time. (hah, as if.)

First, thanks, everyone, for being so good about it. Graeme sent a very good email, and it helped some. Good sense and clear thinking, and friendship, are always welcome. Several of you have offered good advice.

TR, I don't want to wait that long. I'm not as fire-breathing angry, but I am still ticked. It's time I said my piece, and it just might help change some minds, or at least help a cousin or two. I don't know if any of my cousins are GLBT, but at least one or two must be.

One of my best friends offered a simple, very smart suggestion. He said I should email back and tell her that was hate mail and I didn't want any more hate mail, and then step back and let her start anything. :twisted: -- You know, I'm sure tempted to do it that way. I feel I should go ahead and state my opinion, though.

Heheh, and another friend suggested, joking, that I could always write back, "Dear So-and-So, Bite me! Love, Your Relative." :twisted: No, I wouldn't do that, but I'll admit it has a certain appeal.

-----

It's been a while since anyone's told me I have big brass ones. Heh, and I've now had a couple of others say that too. Hah, say, that feels good. -- Nah, really, mine are just average. With any luck, they won't crawl back up inside if things turn bothersome. -- And Rad, I'm pretty sure yours aren't cotton, though they might be fuzzy. ;)

Alright, that's probably the most earthy or down-to-earth (some of both) that I've been, when posting. I'm not ordinarily like that, as I'm sure you've noticed; more like the opposite. -- But maybe it's time I found somewhere in the middle, more direct and real and less concerned with how it's perceived. When I am with my friends, I am both the polite guy you usually see, and the plain-spoken guy that you occasionally see.

Anyway, thanks everyone.

Edited to fix smiley typos.

[blue]

A Note to GSA's, Parents, and Teens:

Yes, a note to everybody.

You may be wondering where all this is going, or why I say various things here. Maybe some of you aren't sure if some things are right, and you may disagree with some of what I say or what others say.

What I hope you will see is that coming out can be very hard to do, both for the person coming out, and for his or her family, friends, fellow worshippers, and co-workers.

Sometimes, it puts teens at severe risk; it can even be life threatening. That is fact, not exaggeration. For adults, it can threaten a lifetime of relationships, career, and what a person has built up (home, earnings, etc.) with others. It can be as traumatic for adults as for teens.

What I hope you will understand, is that coming out is not something a person does lightly, for fun or for a joke. It's very serious and very important to the person coming out. If someone you know comes out to you, I urge you to show them love and understanding, even if you have reservations. Give them room to talk and show feelings, so they know they can talk to you, rather than be shut out. If you have questions or reservations, then let them know you don't want to attack them or shut them out, but discuss things together. The object is to accept and include the people you care about. Be honest about it. Don't say one thing and feel another. Say and do what you mean. You'll gain a stronger relationship and build up, instead of tearing down. That's worth all the trouble.

:hugs: ~Blue

[Tanuki Racoon]

What I hope you will see is that coming out can be very hard to do, both for the person coming out, and for his or her family, friends, fellow worshippers, and co-workers.

What *I* personally appreciate is the fact you're sharing your process with us. I really hope it works well for you and that you continue to share the ups and downs of it with all of us here at AD.

[Rad]

Soooo...just curious. Blue, how' syour coming out to your family going? :o I hope it's alright and that now you're not being sent those anti-gay brochure

:D

cheers & be well,

Rad