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Reread what I've written and click Send. Watch as the window vanishes and an hourglass turns for two or three seconds as the message speeds to you, full of good news and wry observations.

Stuff about my co-workers, the boss, his boss, the computers, the locals. All cheerful and colourful stuff, and all true in it's way.

Why can't I write what I really want to say? The words aren't difficult - "I miss you like crazy and I cry every time I get one of your emails". If you don't send me an email on a particular day, I might cry too. "I love you, I miss you, I don't want to be here, I want to be home with you, I want you to hold me". Why can't I just write that?

Because...because it would upset you. Because you'd write back to say you miss me too and if I really hate this job why don't I just leave and come back home. And if you said it I might actually do it though we both know we can't afford it.

Because I took this job so we could pay off all our debts and live properly and not be constantly borrowing money off each other and our friends who don't have any money either and need to borrow money off us instead.

And because once I started to tell the truth, I might not be able to stop.

When I got on the plane, I wasn't just doing it for our future. I was doing it because I wanted time away from you. We'd been living in two rooms together for God knows how long and I needed some time alone. I just didn't want you to be there every time I looked around.

I met a man last night. I don't know his name and he didn't speak much English but it was a nice little one night stand. There's been several.

Would it be better if I said I was thinking of you when I was with him? But I wasn't. I was with him so I could forget about you, and this place, and these people, for a while. I thought about you after he'd gone though. Couldn't help myself.

But I can't tell you any of that either. I wonder what you haven't been telling me.

It won't be long now. We'll be together soon. You do believe me don't you?

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Thanks. I'm going through an emotional time at the moment - not an unusually tough time, just one when everything's a little bit wrong, and the light at the end of the tunnel is a little too distant.

I wrote "Because" on a half-hour impulse to put some words around what I'm feeling. Like I say, it's only a half true story.

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the light at the end of the tunnel...

Yesterday I thought things were looking up. I was optimistic for the future, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Today the boss switched it off - to save electricity.

Sorry you're having a bad time, Kapitano, hope things get better soon. It's a great Flash Fiction story.


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  • 3 weeks later...

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