What's the collective noun for Limericks?

[Bruin Fisher]

We haven't had much in the way of Limericks here for a while, so I thought I would foist a recent one of mine on you all. It's about Tchaikovsky:

Peter Ilych wrote his 'Pathetique'

While obsessed with his nephew's physique.

He finished the job,

Inspired by 'Bob',

But the poor man was dead in a week.

Gay-themed limericks, anyone?

[Cole Parker]

OK, here's three I just composed off the top of my head, which explains the lack of rigor in their conception:

There was a young man from Madrid

Who loved to go walking nak-id

Gawkers staring aghast

Made him cover his ass

But he'd offer them more for a quid

John, a singer of sorts

Amused himself on the grass courts

Singing and stroking

Oh, the thought that's evoking!

He really excelled at both sports

"Our dog," my sister recalls

"Mates with bitches and dogs one and all

He's not very picky

And finishes quite quickly

And done, he then licks on his balls."

Ok, OK, I'll stop now. This is surprisingly easy. I had no idea.

C

[Bruin Fisher]

Lovely, Cole!

This one isn't really mine - I've adapted it from one by 'anon'.

A plumber, young, randy and free

Was plumbing his mate by the sea.

Said his mate: "Cease your plumbing,

I think someone's coming!"

Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

This is one I wrote after a news article about a man stopped by police while driving high on something and filming himself engaging in activity more usually indulged in private:

While speeding, on weed, this mad guy

Films himself parting his fly.

The cops flag him down

Yelling 'Stop that, you clown!?

He can't, and comes hard, fast and high.

I'm quite pleased with this one:

We got on surprisingly well

When we camped on the Cumberland Fell.

My friend whispered ?Shall us

Cavort with your phallus,

My anus, this condom, and gel??

and this:

Shake hands; I'm your new friend ? your penis.

You'll soon find what fun I can benis.

When you're down and alone

When there's no-one else home

You and I can let fly with all freenis.

Limericks are supposed to be scurrilous, after all!

I've gone all pink - sorry if I've embarrassed anyone!

[DesDownunder]

Limericks are meant to be naughty,

Even if a little bit haughty,

And when all is done and said,

They should really only be read,

By people who are over forty.

[Cole Parker]

OK, Bruin. How about we write ones for Des? He's of the age for prostrate problems. YOu know, getting up in the night, then finding he has to wait twenty minutes before it'll start flowing. This is in light of that:

A old man of nigh eighty-three

His zipper jammed and not free

Moaned, ?Can?t get it open,?

But don?t fret, I?m copin?,

At my age my dick waits for me.?

C

[DesDownunder]

For all you young guys, like me,

Just wanting to be happy and free,

My pee doth flow, before I grow,

So you all should know,

I am nowhere near, eighty three.

[colinian]

Dredging up plenty of courage,

Our Des found a secret umbrage,

That finally let him

Take carnal pleasure in

A young member of the peerage.

Colin

[Bruin Fisher]

Our Des, who's a hundred years old

(Or, roughly that age, so I'm told),

Gets up for a slash

Runs a thirty yard dash

Thrice nightly, and always wins gold.

Show no mercy, I say!

[Bruin Fisher]

?Lift your knees up!? the doc said, and pressed

His finger inside me, no less.

Ignoring my pride

He stroked side to side

And I spurted all over his chest.

[Guest Fritz]

Since this thread seems to have turned into a pick on Des thread, I suppose I'll have to add to it.

Our Des from far down under

Tells of lads in his youth he did plunder

But as he's grown older

His fingers are slower

At ripping his zipper asunder

[DesDownunder]

Right, all of you are on probation...

[Merkin]

Here's one in honor of Mike Arram's wonderful saga:

There was a young lad from Rothenia

Who confessed to a certain sex mania;

"Aha!" cried the king

"I know just the thing...

"Send him on to the boys in Albania!"

[Cole Parker]

Here's one NOT of my making. It's always been a favorite of mine. I might not have all the words absolutely correct as I'm quoting it from memory, but the words are pretty much right, and might even be exactly so. I think it's by Ogden Nash.

A canner exceedingly canny

Was heard to remark to his granny,

"A canner can can

Anything that he can

But a canner can't can a can can he?"

[Bruin Fisher]

Nice one, Cole. Reminded me of a line which I've built up into a Limerick for your delectation.

For anyone unfamiliar with Scots dialect, smoked Haddock is a popular fish in Scotland, and known as Haddie.

A muckle great Glaswegian Laddie

On the train to the Kyle of Lochnaddy

Ripped a fart straight from hell

Filled the car with the smell

What had he had, had he had haddie?

[Bruin Fisher]

This one's not of my making. I first discovered it in a book belonging to my father - and I've seen the old man in a different light ever since!

Our new cinematic emporium

Is not just a super sensorium

But a highly effectual

Heterosexual

Mutual Masturbatorium.

Once read, never forgotten!

[Cole Parker]

That one's great!

But isn't using the world 'heterosexual' a bit limiting?

C

[DesDownunder]

That one's great!

But isn't using the world 'heterosexual' a bit limiting?

C

As a cinema projectionist, I'd have to agree with you Cole. In my experience the aspect ratios of sexuality in a cinema, (sinema if you are in a religious town), are indeed many and various so, it would be more representative of the facts to alliterate with;

Our new cinematic emporium

Is not just a super sensorium

But a highly effectual

Multi-sexual

Mutual Masturbatorium.

[Bruin Fisher]

Well, yes, but someone else wrote it!

Multi-sexual doesn't quite hack it - it's short one syllable.

You could put metrosexual, I suppose, if you pronounce it met-uh-rosexual...

[Cole Parker]

I agree we need three syllables prior to 'sexual', although four syllables work just as well if the word ends in 'ly'. Might I suggest one of these:

thoroughly

abundantly

extensively

liberally

contentiously

incorrigibly -- well, that's five syllables, but I like the thought!

C