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by Merkin

Among the earth's most formidable creatures

is one who bears very similar features

to mine, though she's thoroughly foreign to me;

I'd claim she came from another planet --

one named Venus (or was it Janet?)

but most would find that hard to believe, don't you agree?

No, her strangeness stems from simple genetics,

udderish moods, and dreadful cosmetics,

and especially from the way she acts towards me:

She seems to think she's still in charge

even though I've grown quite large,

but I?m an adult she's never willing to see!

Instead her perception, quite mistaken,

regards my lot as completely forsaken

to be her slave and general dog's-body;

Her whims are mad, filled with demands,

and dare I thwart her slightest commands

her tirades are something I devoutly wish I could flee...

Yet Mum on her own seems unable to cope

with life's least requirement of any scope

so her claim on me is her ultimate victory;

I do her chores and smooth her way,

shield her from stress, check in every day,

and arrange her life most satisfactorily.

She's determined to know my whereabouts,

thoroughly convinced I consort with louts

whose ancestors have barely come down from a tree,

While she, in contrast, is quite loudly certain

that our forebearers lived in caves with lace curtains

and Grandpa Oog would have certainly been a grandee!

Though she's searched in vain for news of our reign

it hasn't inhibited her claim to our fame,

but strident assertion is far from certain proof of nobility.

She?s firmly convinced no woman is worthy

to bear my babies and call her Dorothy

(for that?s her name though she?ll always be ?Ma?am? to me).

She?s appointed herself my marriage broker,

with scheming worthy of a decadent toker

and assaults on every debutantish sensibility;

What she doesn?t ken is that come what may

she?ll never manage my wedding day

despite her dreams of considerable reams of lordly attendees.

No, I must disappoint, I?m in love with a man;

we?ll soon be away, thus thwarting her plan

to eventually ensure that I?ll nevermore walk free.

She is, it is true, kin to me through and through,

thus I cannot ignore this personage who

has given me breath -- then frustrated my destiny;

So I?ve hired a nanny and also a lawyer,

both of them have the keys to her foyer --

I?ll write from long distance announcing my fait accompli.

I?ll do what I can from wherever we are

whether its Paris, or Moscow, or Zanzibar,

or somewhere free in the heart of Poughkeepsie;

I may be her son, but I?m no longer the one

whose job it?s become to drop all and run

to come to the aid, thoroughly unpaid, of this lady related to me!


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That's great, James!

If I try writing anything that long, I eventually bog down and end up throwing it in the trashcan. You stuck with it. Very impressive.

You also have a thing for three-line stanzas, don't you? I remember others you've done that way. It seems to push the pace forward, writing that way.


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Wickedly funny, James. :smile:

I like your rhyming scheme a lot, especially good are dogs-body/flee (couldn't manage flea? ;) ), and Poughkeepsie/me.

I have to agree with Cole, though.

If I try writing anything that long, I eventually bog down and end up throwing it in the trashcan. You stuck with it. Very impressive.


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Thanks for the kind words. Once I got started I found it very hard to wrench myself away: it was like one of those tunes that get into your head from early morning radio heard whilst shaving. When I began to chant new verses aloud in the shower I was a goner.


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