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Orange Assassin



Some shady dude offered me a job a few days ago. Okay, not shady, but extremely polished and corporate-looking, which always comes off as shady to me (he was wearing a TIE). I'm pretty sure it was some kind of scam. He walks up to me in a store and starts chatting me up - what do I do for a living, am I "keeping my options open", etc., and tells me that he's in charge of expansion for his company and that they're looking for some employees. "Not worried about the knowledge part," he says, "We can teach you that. What we can't teach is honesty and integrity." And, obviously, I'm full of honesty and integrity, because he's known me for all of four seconds and can see that I'm...purchasing an orange (oranges - the fruit of integrity!). Anyway, he says he'll call me and fill me in on the details later, so I give him my number.

He calls me later, and says that they'll only give out the details in person at some meeting that they're having on Thursday. Those details? Pesky little things like "Job title", "Job description", "Compensation", and "The name of the company that you'll be working for". In other words, EVERYTHING.

Now, I'm going in for training at another job on Thursday, so I'm pretty sure I'm not interested, so I decide to mess with him a bit...because, hey, these are my phone minutes, and if I'm going to use them, I want something I can laugh at later. And, after all, I never gave him my full name.

I ask him what kind of job he's looking to give me. He says they're not going to give out the details over the phone, that I need to come to the meeting.

I lower my voice and say "Is it a hit?"


"A hit. An assassination."

He laughs. "No!"

"Oh. I just figured that that's why you won't give me details over the phone. You know, because of the Patriot Act, and the domestic wiretapping and such."

He gave me a nervous laugh and neither of us said anything for a while. Then he hung up on me without even saying goodbye. What a dick. I bet he WAS looking for a hit man.

"The only silver bullet they use is that TV in your living room,

And all we've gotta do is pull the plug.

Don't go to the store today, no, don't you dare buy anything,

Instead go out and try to fall in love."

-"The Moon Will Rise" by Ghost Mice


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I wore a tie, once. I also had a suit, but sadly, no corporate empire to run.'Orange Assassins' is a great name for ... well, all manner of things. A band for one. Probably jazz punk fusion with a hint of citronella. Hmm, scrumptious.

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No reputable headhunter works that way. That's a fact. So we've already established he isn't reputable. The company he's working for might be, we don't know that yet, but he's not. You can take that to the bank.Some jobs only require warm bodies. Telemarketing is one. Phone sex practioneers is one, but you have to at least be able to speak well and have some imagination to be good at that. Still, that's a possibility.But in all likelihood, this was a scheme where the suckers, oops, I meant applicants, pay money to get into whatever the scheme is. Anything from Art School (We've seen the drawings you've sent in and our experts all agree, YOU'VE GOT TALENT! Congratulations! Sign here for our 36 week course, by mail.) to door to door selling where you pay for the product and they "support" your sales efforts by encouraging you when you need it, to reviewing videos, giving them your comments and suggestions, then you get to buy the video. Get to. Yeah.Reputable companies don't do this shit. Whether they wear ties or not.C

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Oh That is delightfully hysterical.I am wondering if it is a new approach to acquiring members for a religion.The orange worshippers are becoming a powerful group in our river-lands over here in Australia. :lol:

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I'm surprised he didn't offer a door prize incentive. There are other possibilites though: religious recruiter, time share condo sales, boi toy slave seeker, fake alibi for a bank robber...

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Reputable companies don't do this shit. Whether they wear ties or not.
The end. Exactly.
Yeah, that's what I figured. Which is why I decided to screw with him a bit.
...fake alibi for a bank robber...
Haha! I hadn't thought of that one.Though, I did entertain the idea that he was an axe murderer, luring ambitious people to a fake interview location and then chopping them up and feeding them to an alligator. I don't know where he'd get a gator here in Ohio, but he seems like an engineering chap - came up with the whole interview front for his axe-murdering, anyway.
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-- AHA! --He just wanted to steal your oranges. See, his name's Julius and he used to date this darling girl named Clementine, but she was too orangey-sunshiney-bright for the likes of him...the girl got wise to his orange-stealing tricks, and she ran outta there faster than you can say marmalade. He was, well, crushed. Orange you glad I restrained myself?(Sorry, the urge to pun was just too much. *I am not ashamed!*)

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I think they're just recruiting you to a multi-level marketing scheme. I also was approached by this lady in a business attire telling me I could have a job and earn lots of money even though I haven't graduated yet. I was curious so I walked with her to her office. I begged off before it was too late. Although, she did get my number. But I've already changed my phone now.

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