Stupid Jason, Doing Stupid Things
I said I was never going to do this again. And after the last time, this is the last thing I wanted to happen, again. But I have to face the facts, it did happen. And now I can?t stop these thoughts, I can?t control these feelings, and I don?t know how I?ll look at myself in the morning. Or even if I?ll try.
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, again.
And I don?t even know how it started.
Wait, that?s a lie. I know how it started. I just don?t know how I let it get this far.
It?s Sunday night, I don?t know what time it is, but then time doesn?t matter anymore, it?s already too late.
It?s Sunday, a great day of football since the Colts lost and next week I?ll be watching the Chargers play the undefeated Patriots. It would?ve been a great Sunday if the night would have ended at that moment. But it didn?t, and I was drunk.
It?s Sunday, the day my manager closed the hip up-scale restaurant where I work so the employees can enjoy a late staff Christmas party. A good idea normally, but I knew Mark would be there with his GIRLfriend in tow. Definitely not a sight I wanted to see on my day off. I have to see her enough as it is when she visits her boyfriend at work.
Because of that, I had declared that I wasn?t going to attend. But a few nights ago, while drinking at a bar, I was somehow manipulated into promising I would at least make an appearance.
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, while drinking.
It?s Sunday, and it started off okay, I arrived around seven-thirty, an hour and half after it started. And I wasn?t late because I wanted to make an ?entrance?; I was still celebrating the Chargers win at the Sports Bar. And because I knew I would need a lot of insulation before facing Mark and his bitch. So I spent most of that time doing Vodka shots in between ordering double Screwdrivers. So by the time I arrived, I was quite hammered.
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, because of fear.
And while I was drinking myself into stupidity, I came up with a plan. My plan was simple; I would ignore Mark and his cum-dumpster. I would focus all my attention on everyone else. Good plan, right?
I wish, but I was drunk. And we all know that a drunk Jason is a very dangerous thing. I should?ve gone home, but I didn?t.
For an hour or so, my plan seemed to be working. Whenever Mark would walk towards me, I?d leave and start talking to the first person I saw. When I would sneak a look, he would be staring at me with an inquisitive look on his face. I could tell he knew what I was doing but there was nothing he could do about it. Not with his arm candy hanging on to him like she was scared he?d blow away in the cross-breeze from the ceiling fans.
Like I said, this worked for an hour or so, but even with me ignoring Mark, it was still hard to see him dancing with his little blow-up doll. It didn?t matter that a few days ago; I could?ve had sex with him but refused because of past situations. It was still hard, so while he was dancing, I went outside to have a cigarette.
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, while hoping he could handle it.
And guess what? I couldn?t handle it, it was driving me crazy. How pathetic is that? I turned him down and I?m the one with all the regrets.
So I go outside and sit down on the curb with a cigarette. I?m about half-way done when I smell him. I hang my head, it was going so well. I look up and see him standing next to me.
He says, ?Always the loner.?
I reply, ?Yep, did you think tonight would be any different??
?Not really. But I was hoping.?
I focus my attention on my cigarette, like I?ve never seen one before. I see the end, glowing red in the semi-darkness, and realize that I?m slowly killing myself. But at that moment, dying would be welcomed, anything so I didn?t have to face him.
I finished my smoke in silence; he stands there, staring at me patiently. I flick the butt away and stand up to go back inside. I never knew that silence could be so deafening.
Until that moment, my plan of ignoring Mark was working perfectly. I had been there for over an hour and hadn?t even greeted him or his stupid walking blow-job machine. But if I know anything about Mark, I know he is quite determined. Mark is the type of guy that confronts things head on with a stubborn attitude that could wear down mountains if given enough time.
As I go to pass him, he steps in front of me and peers into my eyes.
I stop, I know it?s over. But I?m not going down without a fight.
?WHAT?? I hope hears the edge in my voice.
?So you think ignoring me is going to make all this go away.?
I shrug, ?That was the plan.?
He shakes his head and grins. ?You?re so stupid.?
I have to agree with him, I am stupid. I should?ve punched him in the face. But I didn?t, instead I try again to walk around him. He blocks me again.
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, because of a straight-boy crush.
He takes my silence for approval, because he asks, ?Don?t you even want to hear about it??
I shake my head no, and it?s the truth. I know what ?it? he was referring to and the last thing I wanted to hear was his adventures in gay sex from some boy I didn?t even know.
So I did what I always do, I changed the subject. ?How?s your girlfriend?? I?m sure he caught the sarcasm; it was almost dripping from my mouth.
He looks at the door of the restaurant and says, ?She?s fine.?
I crossed my arms, if he wanted to talk about ?it?, then I wasn?t going to make it easy for either one of us.
I ask, ?Did you tell her about it??
He smiled and asked for a cigarette. I should?ve punched him, but I didn?t. I gave him one. I should?ve walked away while he was lighting the smoke, but I didn?t. Instead I offered my lighter and lit it for him.
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, still.
He took a deep drag and after he blew out his nose, he said, ?It was horrible, I hated it.?
?And I don?t care.? But I was lying, I did care. Because hearing him say that, it only served to drive home the fact that I was crushing on another unavailable straight boy. My anger started spiking.
?Liar.? This he said while staring into my eyes. He took a step forward and I took a step back.
?Why should I care??
I know it was weak, it even sounded weak as I said it. I was just hoping he didn?t know how weak it really was.
Again he laughed, ?That should be obvious, even for someone as drunk as you.?
I crossed my arms and gave him an ?Oh Really? look. ?Pretend I?m stupid.?
?Nothing happened.? This he said very softly.
I couldn?t help myself, I said, ?Now who?s lying.?
He took a step towards me and said, ?He played with me for a bit and put it in his mouth, but I stopped him.?
I stand there, not moving a muscle. ?That would explain why you were walking funny the next day??
Again, he takes a step closer; we are now only a few inches apart. He whispers, ?I hurt my back, I fell off his bed when he tried to kiss me.?
We were so close that I could smell the alcohol on his breath; I had to fight the urge to take a deep breath. Instead, I say, ?You couldn?t kiss him??
He shook his head; his eyes seemed to be dancing, daring me to reply.
So I asked the question that I never should have. I knew it the moment it left my lips. ?Why not??
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, while caught up in his dancing eyes.
?Because it wasn?t him I wanted to kiss.?
And that?s when it happened, I don?t know why, I couldn?t help myself. I leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. And for a moment, he didn?t do anything. He didn?t kiss me back, he didn?t push me away. It was like we were frozen. And just when I started to think I had just made the biggest mistake of my life, he kissed me back.
Someone moaned, I don?t know who, but I felt his hands on my hips and felt him pull me closer, tight against his body. I wrapped my arms around his waist and began kissing in earnest.
I?ve had lots of first kisses, some were horrible, some blew my mind, and some were just okay. But this kiss was unbelievable. It was urgent, filled with passion that caused my knees to shake. It was like all the longing I locked inside over the last year suddenly came pouring out in a torrent of lust and wild abandonment.
I don?t know how long it lasted, it couldn?t have been more than a few minutes, but I suddenly realized what we were doing and where we were doing it. I pulled back and pushed him away. He was confused by my actions; I could see it on his face like someone had drawn it with crayons. He shook his head and leaned in again.
I put my hand on his chest and said, ?Stop.?
?Why?? He asked, still breathing a bit heavy.
I looked at him; I saw that he was so wrapped up in the moment everything else had faded away. It was like he had finally given in to the feelings racing through his body and decided that rational thought was overrated. I know because while we were kissing I could feel it against mine.
?This isn?t right. Your girlfriend is right there on the other side of that door. And any moment she could walk out here looking for you.?
That was enough to wipe that dazed look off his face. The reality of it all smashed into him. He was standing in the parking lot kissing a boy while anyone driving/walking by could see him.
He looks at the door and reaches into his pocket while saying, ?You?re right, this isn?t a good place.? He takes a few steps away from me and puts his phone up to his ear. I hear him say, ?Hey babe, Jason and I are going to my car to smoke a bowl; we?ll be back in a few minutes.?
He puts the phone back in his pocket and realizes I?m staring at him. He grins and asks, ?Where did you park??
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, because he?s horny.
I should?ve been angry or at least a bit bothered that he had just lied to his girlfriend so we could go to my car and continue whatever it is we were doing. But I wasn?t, because instead of running away, I say, ?This way.?
It?s Sunday, I?m drunk, and I allowing my stupid straight-boy crush to come back with me to my car. To say my thoughts are a bit jumbled wouldn?t be accurate. I wanted this to happen, hell, I?ve wanted this for a year. But I can?t help but think back to the last time I got involved with a straight boy.
And what if we get caught? What if my little crush turns into something more? Something I can?t handle. What if afterwards he hates what we?ve done and it ruins what ever is left of our relationship? What if he doesn?t live up to my fantasy? Oh my god, what if he likes it?
I get to my car and pause, asking, ?What are we doing??
He gets this look; I can only describe it as passionate lust, and smiles. ?Something we should?ve done months ago.?
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, like unlocking his car.
I hadn?t even shut my door and he was all over me. I did the only thing I could; I gave in and went for the ride.
There was groping, mutual and animalistic without being violent and kisses that were so powerful they drove away all thought and for a time, we were one and the same. We had lost all sense of time during our exploration because thirty minutes later he phone started ringing.
His girlfriend, who had given up waiting, had walked to his car only to find out we weren?t there. And though I found the situation to be wrong on so many levels, I was a bit amused by how pissed she sounded on the phone.
It was surreal, Mark had one hand up to his ear and his other hand was lost inside my pants. As he lied to her, saying I ran out of cigarettes and we walked to the store to buy more, his hand never stopped exploring. After promising we?d be back in five minutes, he rolled his eyes, the corners of his mouth bending up into a grin. He leaned in again.
But I stopped him, the phone call reminding me that I was being very stupid. ?This isn?t right.?
I couldn?t believe I said it either.
?It?s not fair to her.?
What the fuck was wrong with me? After all this time, I had finally gotten what I wanted.
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, fucking morals.
He removes his hand from my pants and sits back and stares thoughtfully at the restaurant. ?I know.?
I grab my cigarettes and light up as he says, ?What do we do now??
I look at him, I don?t speak. I can?t. I don?t know what we should do now. I know that for thirty minutes I was happy, but the cost of those thirty minutes were beginning to frighten the shit out of me.
?You should go,? I finally say, looking out the window, anywhere except the passenger seat. ?She?s pissed enough already.?
?She can wait.? He declares, crossing his arms. ?I?m not done yet.?
It was getting to me. This little game of cat and mouse that Mark and I had been playing all these months had finally reached the crossroads. Now was the time to decide. We couldn?t ignore it anymore, not after groping each other, and he was right, we weren?t done yet.
I looked at him, his face flushed and his eyes shining, an expectant look on his face as he waited for me to say something, anything. And when I didn?t, he said, ?I know what you?re thinking.?
?Really?? I said, keeping my voice steady and neutral. I didn?t want it to show, the racing heart, the longing to lean over and resume exploring his mouth, and I didn?t want him to know just how much I wanted him.
?It?s her, isn?t?? He asks, though I believe he knew the answer.
I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what I was about to say. I felt sorry that I had that moment and he was going to be blindsided. But without asking, I knew he wouldn?t leave her for me. Not with the pressure from his family, and not with his fear of being gay. Not when it was just a few kisses in the front seat of car. I did the only thing I could do, I lied.
I forced my face to a blank stare and said softly, ?This won?t happen again.?
?What?? I surprised him; he wasn?t expecting to hear those words. ?Why??
I punched him lightly on the shoulder and said through a forced smile, ?We were just having some fun.? I almost stopped, his eyes stopped dancing and his smile faded. I saw the hurt in his eyes and forced myself to continue.
?I won?t tell anyone, we?ll just blame it on the shots.? Again I smiled, but then I had to look away. I wasn?t sure which one of us was about to cry. I think it was both, if only on the inside.
But I forced myself to add the last nail to his coffin, I said, ?She?s waiting, go back inside before you get into trouble.?
Now he looks away, and opens the car door. He pauses for a moment, so I say, ?See you Tuesday.?
He shuts the door and quickly walks across the parking lot. I couldn?t help myself; I actually felt tears slip down my cheek.
I start the car and drive away. My head knows I did the right thing, but damn if I hate it for that.
Stupid Jason, doing stupid things, and now he?s alone.