TalonRider

Posted 21 December 2005 - 08:20 PM Holiday Party FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director TO Everyone RE Christmas Party DATE December 1 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! _____________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE December 2 RE Christmas Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party". ___________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE December 7 RE Holiday Party What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. ___________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE December 8 RE Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. ____________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Date December 9 RE Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? ____________________________________________________________________ FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director DATE December 10 RE Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...! ____________________________________________________________________ FROM Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director DATE December 14 RE Pat Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!

Posted 21 December 2005 - 07:26 PM Merry Christmas Ya'll, I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States area on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio and West Virginia. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my local replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as: There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have an empty coke can handy. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over Bubba's fireplace. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!" As required by the local highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a decal depicting "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip character Calvin relieving himself ... but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His decal shows Calvin going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see "Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes Santa Claus" and Bing Crosby's of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is Shania Twain"; David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me"; and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle." Sincerely Yours, Santa

Originally posted on December 21, 2005 at The House. On the first day of Christmas AOL gave to me, a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the second day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the third day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the forth day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the fifth day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the sixth day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the seventh day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 7 dozen spams, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the eighth day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 dozen spams, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the ninth day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 dozen spams, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the tenth day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 dozen spams, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the eleventh day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 11 can not access 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 dozen spams, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room. On the twelfth day day of Christmas AOL gave to me, 12 reasons to cancel, 11 can not access 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 dozen spams, 6 disconnections, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages 2 channels not working and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill) 3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Maybe he's keeping them for himself.

Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird poop!. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my sh*t together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your a$$es down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and oneremarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says " Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' And she said, 'Take a sweater'.

This joke first appeared at The Talon House on Dec. 2, 2004.

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged. "But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu." Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

Here's a blast from the past that I'm bumping to the present.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. " Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

... On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the d*ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."

I have to disagree with you. Did you notice the last name listed?

Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good Boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa _____________ Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your freakin house. Then you'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with! Santa _____________ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa _____________ Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Francis...FRANCIS! Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? How 'bout I get you a Barbie and Ken doll FRANCIS! ...hahahahahahahahaha. Tell me Francis, do you get punched in the face alot in school? hehehehehohoho Santa _____________ Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, You must be a major DORK. Don't you read the freakin' tags you little loser? All toys get made in China! I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. And NO you little dweeb - reindeers can't fly. But they sure taste good with A-1 sauce! Santa _____________ Dear Santa, I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please PLEASE! Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that stuff don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Are you by any chance related to Francis? Santa _____________ Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your a** beat at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! Santa Grinch

It was a starry night and the snowflakes drifted down gently. The snowcrust sparkled in the lamplight at the North Pole. Sleigh bells jingled in the distance. It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed off. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys. And to top it all off, the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were completely useless. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. They were still stumbling around outside, giggling and shaking their sleigh bells. Santa was redder than usual with anger. He drank another slug of scotch, and then bellowed, "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! AND I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What the HELL am I going to do?" Just at that moment, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

My statement didn't come out quite right. What I meant was that I was contacted by authors looking for an editor after they had started posting a story. One example would be Nickolas James. We did a clean up of the earlier chapters which helped me get up to speed with future chapters. As he started working on new stories, he sent them to me as well. When I was the running the Editor/Beta Reader Program at GA, I had several authors contact me for help in looking for an editor due to comments left in reviews.

The Questions: 1. The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it? 2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born. in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible? 3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth? 4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? 5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a 20 German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them 20 and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership in World War One From the Men of Battalion 8" Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story? 6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agreed is between heaven and earth? 7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year? 8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died and she never divorced. How was this possible? 9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills? 10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25? 11. A taxi driver was called to take a group of passengers to the train station The station is normally an hour away, but with extra heavy traffic, it took a full hour and a half. On the return trip the traffic was still as heavy and yet it took only 90 minutes. Why? 12. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer. 13. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not? 14. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? 15. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? 16. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the "International Home Show" One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible? 17. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister? The Answers: 1. A coffin 2. The child was born before 1776 3. Mount Everest, it just hadn't been discovered! 4. Clara lives in the Southern Hemisphere 5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II 6. The word "and" 7. They fall in the same year every year, New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year 8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace 9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills 10. Only once, then you are subtracting it from 20 11. An hour and a half IS 90 minutes 12. "one word" 13. Penguins live in the Antarctic 14. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow 15. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg 16. They were husband and wife 17. He can't because he's dead

Unfortunately there are authors out there that will post a story at GA without having in checked first. It's ususually when they start getting feedback from readers who mention to them that they need an editor. I"ve done this in the past myself, tho it ususually happened before the story was complete. It also lead to a more work of thier new stuff.

Talk about a huge breast. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. It Cool Whip time. If I don't undo my pants, I'll bust. Whew, that's one terrific spread. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. Are you ready for seconds yet? It's a little dry, do you stil want to eat it? Just wait your turn, you'll get some. Don't play witth your meat. Just spread the legs open and stuff in in. Do you really think you'll be able to handle all those people at once? You still have a little bit on your chin. Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it. I didn't expect everyone to come at once. How long will it take after you stick it in? You'll know it's ready when it pops up! How many are coming? That's the biggest one I've ever seen! How long do I beat it before it's ready? Just lay back and take it easy...I'll do the rest.

An update to the tree in Reading, PA. On December 6, 2014, the tree will be rededicated and will contain a single red bulb as its decoration.

That's the day the a lot of Americans return gifts.

A Gay man goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that he would like a tattoo. He expresses his desire to have a Turkey sketched on his right thigh just below his speedo line with the inscription that reads "Happy Thanksgiving". Having no questions, the artist follows his instructions. Upon completion, the artist had truly created a work of art. Being very pleased with his work, the man then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo, with the caption "Merry Christmas" on his left thigh. Once more the artist does as instructed, with the end results equal to the first. As the man is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" He says, "I'm sick and tired of my boyfriend complaining all the time that there's never nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

Then you run into something like this. I guess you could call this a Charlie Brown Christmas. Here's the story. The report as of today, the tree stays.