TalonRider

This just in. On Monday, 2/23/15, Little Caesars is introducing a new deep dish pizza wrapped in bacon. I heard about this on the News this morning. There is nothing listed on their website as yet.

Gotta love those grand-kids .. I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?" Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!". She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?". I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Crap." You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

I've used McAfee for years and the only issue I have with it is it takes hour for the scan to take place. I've got it scheduled to start around 11pm and it's usually done by 5am the next morning. To try and use the desktop during that time is useless as it slows everything down.

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute _ Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gays could have lightsabre fights. _ Saying "the gay guy from X-Factor" is kind of like saying: "the Chinese man from China". _ I'm not homophobic, in the same way that I'm not arachnaphobic. I'm not scared of gays; I'm not scared of spiders. But if I were to walk in and find one in my bed, I'd be a little worried. _ Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park." _ My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because I really fancy him. _ My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day. It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair. _ Went hiking with my mate the other day, half way to the summit I fell, slipping a disc in my spine. He looked at me and grinned saying "I guess you could call this 'Brokeback' mountain". "Very funny, but I haven't broken my back." "I know, but I'm still going to fuck you." -- My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute. I'd like to see them try it with high heels on. _ According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather trousers. That actually works out rather well, since 100% of men who wear leather trousers don't like women. __ I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay. He turned his back on me... That was his first mistake. __ My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael. __ Don't you hate it when you wake up from a drunken night out with 'I love cock' written on your fore-head? Especially when you've been drinking at home. Alone.

For those of you who might be worried about diabetes, and even if you're not, I'm a type 1 myself, here's an article you might find interesting. I was surprised with the Instant Oatmeal as I've recently started it again while recovering from a bade case of the flu back in January. I need to get into the habit of checking the sugar content besides the carbs.

Where do Journalism students go to learn editing? A Corrections Facility

Maybe this issue will be taken care of when the next version, 4.x.x of IPB software is released, which should be soon. Currently AD is using v3.4.6.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. Batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. A boiled egg is hard to beat. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

I think it depends on who the driver of the vehicle is. Here in my area we have the case of a 10-year-old boy crossing the street, with two friends, on their way to a sleep over at a friends house when one boy is struck and killed by a Police Officer in route to a call. The officer didn't have his lights or siren on at the time. The last I know, the officer had not been identified publicly and is on administrative leave.

Donna Douglas, who played Elly May Clampett, has died at the age of 81.

He was also doing a story, Leave the Pieces, at the same time in the Premium section. It too is on hold. I've never heard anything. If he did say something, it's been kept secret.

Here's a look back at lost celebs for 2014.

Once again the Eagles blew their changes of getting into the playoffs. This happened when Dallas came to town and beat them. What I thought was ridiculous was that the fans focused on the fact that NJ Governor Chris Christie was sitting with the Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones in the visiting owners box. Since Jersey doesn't have a pro football team of their own, he should support the Eagles. I myself, I'm a Colts fan living in Eagles territory.

My choice of games at 1:00 pm today is San Diego at Kansas City or the Eagles at the Giants.

Nothing like a good Christmas morning laugh.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

Posted 30 November 2006 - 10:55 PM Blonde Christmas There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Posted 14 December 2006 - 07:32 AM A Sign of the Times As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?" ******************************************************************* Christmas Fireman In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Posted 19 December 2006 - 01:15 AM After being away on business for a week before the Christmas Holiday, Bob thought it would be nice to bring his wife a gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics woman at the Department Store. So, she showed him a bottle of $50 perfume. "That's a bit much," said Bob. The woman then returned with a smaller bottle costing $30. Bob complained, "That’s still a lot of money." Growing disgusted, the woman brought out her smallest little bottle of $15 perfume. Bob grew even more restless and replied, "No no… What I mean is I'd like to see something really cheap!" So the clerk handed him a mirror!!

Posted 03 December 2006 - 02:32 PM Christmas is just around the corner so here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his ear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.") Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a Vikings game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Posted 30 November 2006 - 10:58 PM 'Twas Assembly Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied and we were inspired, In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, While Dad and I faced the evening with dread: A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat.... Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear, But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, So if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, All over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night With "assembly required" till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin Before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, And not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded; I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

Posted 12 January 2006 - 08:52 AM This name was found in the credits to one of those animated Christmas shows. Dick Shaken.

Posted 21 December 2005 - 08:26 PM A Christmas Story When I was a little boy, my family did not have a lot of money. My father had a reasonably well paying job, but with four kids and a dog, money was often tight. This is not to say that we were deprived or unhappy. Our family did many activities together, but our favorite was camping, which we did year-round, blazing heat or freezing cold. It was a great site to see the whole clan scrambling to get every- thing together for a weekend trip. The whole family then piled into our Chevy station wagon with a dog bigger than the three smallest children put together. Dad would then tie down our trusty tent to the top of the Chevy and off we would go. Our tent was amazing in and of itself. It was an army surplus tent, large enough for the whole family plus dog. It had survived though rainstorms, snowstorms, and windstorms. It had twice been uprooted from its stakes in high winds. (Makes me wonder why we went camping in so much terrible weather.) It had blown off the Chevy a couple of times, but it had always survived. At least it survived with mother's help at the sewing machine. It had patches over patches but it was still our faithful camping tent. But alas, canvas can only last so long, so after about ten years of steady service, my Dad admitted one summer that our tent was no longer useable. We didn't go camping at all the following fall. The only thing that kept us kids controllable was that Dad promised we would get a new tent at Christmas, and we could go camping all winter. So Mom and Dad went on a savings program to get the money for our new tent. They even got us kids to pitch in a little. Money was tight, but the savings accumulated, and we all had visions of a great winter outdoors. That is, until disaster struck in late November, and my little bother Johnny broke his arm. Dad hadn't counted on an emergency, and the hospital and doctor bills completely depleted our tent saving. We were all downcast at the prospect of no winter camping. Even I was almost sorry I pushed Johnny off the roof. So as Christmas approached, we were all pretty glum. There weren't as many presents around the tree as usual, because the extra money had gone into my bother's arm. Finally, Christmas Eve was here, and our month long depression was lifted a little, because we could open our presents. Dad had to work, but he was late, and hadn't called. Mother began to worry, and just before she called the police, Dad drove up. We couldn't believe our eyes! There on top of the Chevy was a brand new shiny tent, even larger than Old Faithful. Instantly, five voices started asking Dad question after question, so he ushered us all into the living room, around the Christmas tree to tell us what happened. It seems that Dad had seen an advertisement for a store called SURPLUS CITY (all caps required). Last week he had gone by to see if they had any tents that we could afford. There was one perfect tent (the only one actually) for $60. So Dad worked a little overtime and scrimped a little on his Christmas gifts and he scraped together about $45. That night he had gone to SURPLUS CITY with his $45 and tried to get a bargain on the tent. He had managed to chisel the manger down to $50 for the tent, but from there the manager wouldn't budge. There was no credit or lay-away at SURPLUS CITY, either, just cold hard cash. So Dad went back out to the car, and thought about how hard it would be to come home empty handed. In a flash of inspiration, he got the spare tire from the car and went back in. He asked the manager if he would take the spare tire for $5 so he could buy the tent. With that act of desperation, the manager's heart softened. What with it being Christmas and all, and my father being so intent on getting the tent, and stopping in several times over the past week, he let Dad have the tent for $40. When Dad finished telling this story, we all cheered and hollered and generally made fools of ourselves. That was the happiest Christmas I have ever had. And that was the best winter of camping we ever had too, in THE WINTER OF OUR DISCOUNT TENT.

I saw this in Monday 12/15/14 Comics.

Computer Repair Caller: Hi, our printer is not working. Customer Service: What is wrong with it? Caller: Mouse is jammed. Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse. Caller: Mmmmm? Oh really? I will send a picture...