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So funny you'll *hit your pants

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Be sure to read this.......it is tooooooo funny!!! If you are at work, be prepared to hold in your laughter!! I'm sure it's not true, but still funny.


I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that

course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had

prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Chili.'Tasty stuff, albeit hot to

the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me

that if you eat this stuff, the next day both of your butt cheeks

WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even

after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing

happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming

their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create

the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as

thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just

when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that

I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at

first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for

purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store

from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm

referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go Pain that always seems to hit us

at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras

in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush

for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,

forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step

in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it

happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly

enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.

I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape

me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of

my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an

elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped

to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that

refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to

relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as

she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor

so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and

running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as

though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel

terrible, but then made me laugh.

Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things

'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an

explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud

and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had

ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a


Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off

through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the

whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand malassplosion took


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,

began the inevitable 'Oh my Goodness', floating above the toilet seat because

my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I

was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made

a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly


Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled

cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee

approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.

It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager

is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought

to take care of the problem. That of course set me off again, causing

residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped

back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an

accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning Moments

later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to re turn. Home again

without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover

chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore

about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Stupid management claim

they're going to have to repaint the store.

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You've gotta be sh!ttin' me.

When going through one of my amateur bodybuilding phases, I've occasionally used some of those high-protein shakes. EAS Myoplex produces the exact same result you described above -- stinky and unpleasant at best. The Met-RX shakes are far better, or at least more... uh, predictable.

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