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Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2009 Results

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."
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I'd never heard of Bulwer-Lytton but he sounds like a man after my own heart.

Perhaps we could do our own AD version of the competition - bad opening lines to gay stories.

Here's my entry:

"I woke slowly and fumbled for the alarm to silence it, reached across the bed and found only an empty space, and curled into a foetal ball of misery."


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And mine:

With tears streaming down my cheeks, I stared into the mirror, my normally dancing, sparkling blue eyes dark with pain and sorrow as I examined my lithe, 5' 9" body with its treasure trail leading to my 5" (soft, 6.84" when fully extended) cock as I wondered why, why can't he see that I love him passionately and forever in spite of the fact that we met only yesterday when he passed me in the hall at school and our eyes (mine blue, dancing and sparkling; his brown, bloodshot and shifty) exchanged that momentary glance, all that it took for his to communicate a lifetime of passionate interest in sport, girls, and bullying those smaller and weaker, a point he made clear by slamming his massive body into my slender frame, thus pinning me into my locker, as he spat the word "Fag!" into my desolate yearning face.

James Merkin

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"He opened his eyes and said, "I thought I told you to go home." (I'd like to say I forgot what

you do with a quote inside something that already has quotation marks, but I don't know now

and never did).

Haha, that's not really an entry, it can't be because i'm not a writer. But where the heck is

the lot of 'em that hang out here- this is so perfect for this bunch I can hardly stand it.

Thanks, EJ, for bringing it here, and to Bruin and James for giving it their "worst".


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OK, Tracy, if you're going to shame me into it, how about this as terrible opening sentence that's got Nifty written all over it:

Tears streaming down my cheeks, I sat holding my dog, my dear Bobby, newly flattened by a fast-moving car, the driver of which was now standing looking down at me and saying, "Hey, kid, you're cute; forget about about the damn dog; it's dead; how about going for a ride with me?" and when he rubbed his crotch, I felt a tingle, down there.


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Yup, that's the stuff I'm talking about. Good writers do bad better than anybody.

That's no doubt the horse they rode in on...

Thanks Cole, that was terrible.

Haha, now there has to be somebody who thinks they can do Awful


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Damn it I can't resist any longer.

Hi and hello there, I can't really tell you my real name because I don't want anyone at highschool to find out that I am writing a story for the Net as they don't know I am gay; there I said it, hooray for me, I am gay and I am writing my first story right now and I am so excited, but let's get to the Nifty Gritty if you get my meaning, so I can tell you about the day I bumped into the school stud-jock who I shall call Chance, because our meeting was a real chance to get close to the hunk who I lusted over all year since I arrived at this school after my mother was attacked by her rabid drunk husband who is not my father, for which I am truly thankful as I wouldn't want his genes, even though he tried to get into mine which was why my mom was telling him off when he took an axe and killed her before my little brother who I love more than life itself even if it has been pretty awful since I moved in with grandad in his penthouse apartment where his best friend lives with him, but I am forgetting my manners and would tell you my stats, except for the fact I have bored myself stupid already and I haven't even finished my first sentence, so please write and let me know if you want more.


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Des, that is the single best single sentence that has ever been put to paper (quiet

down, that's called a "figure of speech"). My inclination/obsession with run-on

sentences is known the world over, now that i've told you, that is, in fact I find it

to be a fine stand-in for sex if none of that is available, and it almost seems that

the more I run-on the less sex there is around, but that could just be my

imagination, running away with me or maybe with it, though I don't think you can

ever be sure when sex is involved, or when it isn't though it should.

You should think about a book that is one long sentence, since you seem to be

"a natural". Steven Keiths could probably help, he wrote a story that was a

sentence long, and I thought it some of his best work to date.

Hey Steven, you're up. If this gets much worse, you guys won't be able to beat

off the flood of fans on AD with a stick.

There's something about that last sentence that made me think I should be laughing,

but for the life of me, I just don't see it. Anybody got a guess?

No way am I putting my name at the end of this. And Des, you're way to good

for radio. Thanks for showing up.

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Chapter two

After the alarm clock went off this morning, I turned it off and just lay in bed like a circus tent, you know, with a pole in the middle, when I was suddenly aware of my grandad's friend moaning and groaning and screaming obscene words that my mom would never have approved of, if she had lived after the cruel death imposed on her by my step father who is now making new friends in jail where he is said to be very popular with a man called Baby-bubba, who is serving a life sentence for having done something so terrible that no one will mention it except on the 6 o'clock news, which was where I saw the advertisement for the new jeans I want, to impress the stud-jock, Chance, in the hope that he will want to be my friend, even though I would prefer him to be more than just a friend and I would be more than willing to take him to the circus and have him ride my pony while we eat hot dogs dribbling with hot sauce in buttered buns, but I gave up these dreams of a perfect day and padded to the shower so that I would at least be clean if I should fall over Chance again in front of the school lockers where I usually meet my really bestest friend, Melissa, who I have known since forever when we played with her dollies in the back yard of her house on summer days when the sun was shining and we showed each other our bits and pieces and we both decided that they were as silly as this story; little did we know the surprises those bits and pieces had in store for us. Sorry about the cliffhanger, let me know if I should continue or get a day job.


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I can't top those! Those examples pretty much encapsulate the worst out there.

You know, my old Pal Keith Morissette talked for awhile about doing a round-robin story where a bunch of us would each take a chapter and try to write the worst gay novel ever. We never got around to actually doing it, but it is an intriguing idea.

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I just noticed it was Bruin's suggeston to do this thing here, and also he who

put his mnoey where his mouth was, and venture the first offering. Thanks Bruin,

I'm the cheerleader for this project, minus the pom poms.

And Pec, I don't think "topping" is allowed on public forums...

I took my cheers to the street, in a matter of speaking, or else I could say I went

fishing, and reeled in the following entry, from my friend and writer, Tim Stillman:

How about this as an opening to an imaginary novel---"Hot enuf fur you? It was a really hot day, hotter than most, man, it was something, the sun was hot, the air was hot and it was pretty hot for the petunias, speaking of which what if on this really hot day you see Petunia Pig walking toward you on this hot, hot day as you turn the corner and how exactly does one turn a corner and why would one want to?, it seems to me and I'm sweating like a pig tho not Lanson Pigg who looks like I used to in his video of "Falling In Love in a Coffee Shop", so would I turn the ends of a corner into a horse shoe and pull in one Petunia Pig's magnetic personality to me as I wonder on this hot, man they gotta find another word for hot, hot day to me and would I see the scrumptious P. Pig sweat? because i don't remember ever seeing cartoon characters sweat, cartoons aren't hot, well Fritz the Cat was but that's another movie, oh wait i see her now in the sun baked heat ripples, its not P. Pig with lipstick, its the Pallin monster with lip stick and i scream manfully as I fall a tumble to the melting asphalt crying out manly to the manor tears, me, not the asphalt, FUCK YOU MICHAEL CRICHTON who is in hell where the heat is fun for him, man its hot so any how Tom Bones met Lolita Poontang at Humbert Humbert's funeral and I am now through with my opening and ready to begin my novel entitled MAN ITS HOT by Westcott Oblivion--

Stave One-

-Man it's hot....."

Hey Des, it's not uncommon for readers to beg, but writers begginng is something

we'll not likely see again while still able. It may be they just want you to carry this

thing single-handed...so I say cover all the bases, and give it to'em until it's so

bad their ears bleed. (there's always the possibility that this is just another form

of begging).

I thought kicks like these could only be found in what passes for Art these days,

but I'm calling this "Subtleties of BS, for Dummies" and considering it education.

No mistaking your implications here either, guys, no nail-biting, head scratching,

or "WTF is he getting at!!"-- at least one of you understands the appeal for me in

that... it's also like the annual company picnic, boys in shorts, boy's without shirts,

and I understand the appeal in that, for everybody.

Bye now, I really only dropped in to deliver Timmy to the mix. :hug:


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Anybody know what causes that disorganization of sentences,

(but only MY sentences, hehe) in the above text? It happens

elsewhere on occasion, but this is about the best example and

best chance of getting any reliable answers or reasonable


BTW, if I wanted to start a thread about the dumbest answers

to computer questions by folks whoshould have said IDN, where

would I do that? :hug:

Thanks already,


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Anybody know what causes that disorganization of sentences,

(but only MY sentences, hehe) in the above text? It happens

elsewhere on occasion, but this is about the best example and

best chance of getting any reliable answers or reasonable


BTW, if I wanted to start a thread about the dumbest answers

to computer questions by folks whoshould have said IDN, where

would I do that? :cat:

Thanks already,


Tracy, it's a pleasure to see you joining in the forums. :icon13:

I'm not sure I see the problem with your sentences unless you mean that the lines are shorter, which I presume is because you choose to hit the carriage return at those points because you think it is necessary because you are in the edit box.

Wow, that sentence of mine almost qualifies to be in the story.

Okay Tracy, when you type in the reply (edit ) box, just keep typing and the lines will adjust themselves.

You only need to hit the carriage return key, when you want to start a new line/paragraph.

If I have misunderstood the question, I will go stand in the naughty corner. :hehe:

Not sure about where to post the dumbest answers. If they are purely for laughs, then the Laughs and Limericks forum would be the place.

If however you are expecting questions to be answered, then the Web Wiz Forum might be good.

Tracy, despite some sticklers for neatness, law and order, I am not too fussed about where people post; it's not like we get a million posts a day. As for hijacking a post, I support Cuba as a destination, but if the hijack is extreme we might move or split the thread. However we do not approve of torturing members who hijack the threads with innocent posts. (Not even if they want to be tortured.) Spammers are removed ASAP.

On the other foot, some of my posts are torturous enough. :hug: (Comments are not necessary on that...thank you.) :hehe:

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