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Kapitano

Feelings

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That feeling you get when you realise you hate all your friends. You've probably felt that way for years, but you put up with the way they treated you because you thought they didn't mean it. Perhaps they thought they didn't mean it, but it doesn't matter - they treat you like shit, they make you feel like shit, and in the end that's exactly what you're worth to them.

It's not anger. It's more like disappointment, a feeling of emptiness - like when you've been hungry for hours but you were too distracted to notice, and the growling hole in your stomach catches up with you all at once.

All the comments, all the jokes, all the times they used you then dismissed you. Each and every time they asked you for a favour, never even considering you might have other plans, always assuming you'd automatically say yes.

* - - - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - - - *

That feeling when you realise he doesn't care for you anymore. More than that, he doesn't care that you exist anymore. You're part of the furniture, something that's been there so long he'd only see it if it suddenly wasn't there anymore.

There's nothing malicious in it. It's not like he's bored with you, because boredom's an emotion and there's no emotion left - not even regret.

You wonder whether you can get things back the way they were, when you were happy to be together, not just comfortable. And then you wonder whether you want to.

* - - - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - - - *

That feeling when you realise you can just walk away. There's nothing stopping you, nothing keeping you here. Leave this place, leave them all, leave him.

* - - - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - - - *

That feeling when you find new friends, and among them someone special.

* - - - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - - - * - - - - - - - - - - *

That feeling when you realise you hate them all.

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The first section is largely real - or at least was when I wrote it. The rest is extrapolation.

Certainly I'm bored with my life and sick of my circle of aquaintences in this town - which is why I'm trying to find a new life and some new people. The process turns out to have...hitches and delays.

Hugs are always appreciated. Thank you.

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