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Cole Parker

Useful info for many AD forum members

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How to Give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat?s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call significant other in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get significant other to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water so as not to set the stain.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink same.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Give him your insurance information.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

GOOD DOG!

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I've read similar tales on how a man changes oil, it involves a lot of beer.

This one is more funny. :shock:

Found it!

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:

(1) Pull up to Peak Automotive when it is time for your next oil change

(2) Relax in a massage chair with a glass of wine, soda, coffee, or cappuccino while reading the latest Oprah, Parenting, or Shape Magazine or working on your laptop.

(3) 45 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle where the fluids have been topped off, car has been washed, tires rotated, and courtesty inspection completed.

Money Spent

Oil Change: $34.95 (non-synthetic oil change)

Wireless access: FREE

Glass of wine, soda, or coffee: FREE

Courtesy Inspection: FREE

Massage in chair: FREE

Total cost of peace of mind knowing your car is maintained: PEAKFULLY PRICELESS

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

(1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00

(2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

(3) Open a beer and drink it.

(4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.

(5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

(6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

(7) Place drain pan under engine.

(8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

(9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

(10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.

(11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

(12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

(13) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

(14) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

(15) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.

(16)Drink a beer.

(17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

(18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.

(19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

(20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

(21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.

(22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

(23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

(24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

(25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

(26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

(27) Drink beer.

(28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

(29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

(30) Drink beer.

(31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

(32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

(33) Begin cussing fit.

(34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

(35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992).

(36) Beer.

(37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

(38) Beer.

(39) Beer.

(40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

(41) Beer.

(42) Lower car from jack stands.

(43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

(44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

(45) Beer.

(46) Test drive car.

(47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

(48) Car gets impounded.

(49) Call loving wife, make bail.

(50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money Spent

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $40.00

Total: $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right!

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15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Man, that is too true. My partner and I have had a half-dozen cats over the past 30 years, and it was always a nightmare to give them pills. Even if it was liquid medicine, catching the cat and getting him/her to open their mouths at just the right time was an impossible feat of nerve and timing.

I used to wish for a "kitty vise" that would just hold the damn creature in place, kind of like Alex in Clockwork Orange, and then you just drop the pill in and say soothing words and pet their stomach. No such luck.

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