The Move

[vwl]

Over at Nifty in the high school section, there is a story called The Move http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/highschool/the-move/ which is almost finished because the To Be Continued tag is at the end of the last chapter or is finished because the author forgot to remove the To Be Continued Tag. I think the former, but the gist of the story is in what has been posted.

There is a certain gulp of disbelief that must be swallowed, but it's worth it.

[dude]

So far I've read up to Chapter 19. Interesting story although the sudden switch from first person to third to alternate-first person... left me a bit confused at times as I read through TextAloud which converts the text to speech. I'd recommend it, though!

[DesDownunder]

Okay, I was curious, so I've read the first 4 chapters. I did not find anything confusing but I can see where 'text to speech' might find trouble with the descriptive scenes, but it is obvious when reading and not an annoyance.

As for the general writing, it's well written (only a couple of typos) and has nice twists. Altogether, it has great promise and is a nice read. So far I am happy to recommend it as escapist entertainment with fun and responsible comment.

The gulp of disbelief is certainly there, but I can manage it as long as it remains in the realm of the justifiable fantasy that it has up to chapter 4.

[DesDownunder]

I've now read more of this story, and I have to say I'm enjoying it. There is a certain ease of story telling that defies the usual dramatic ebb and flow; it's more like the continuous stream of life, but not in the daytime TV way. The trick is in the suspense, especially as it is fairly easy to guess one of the main elements of the story...but how did it all happen?

Yes I can see that the swapping of the first person point of view might disturb those who dislike it, but it is justifiable in the way the story is told. Unusual? Yes, but it works in this instance, I think. I'm upgrading the writing to skilful and enchanting, despite the few typos. The characters are well drawn, endearing, and interesting. I'm having fun.

[Gee Whillickers]

The writing improves as he goes along, too. The first two chapters were a bit rough, lots of typos and spelling mistakes, as well as redundancy and sudden scene-shifting, but it smooths out fast. I'm quite enjoying this story.

[DesDownunder]

Some repetition creeps into the later chapters. The basic story finishes, but after having resolved most of the loose ends, the author then proceeds to develop a new situation with one of the minor characters.

I don't want to seem overly critical however, I enjoyed the story, just wish it had a more rounded conclusion.

As the author claimed this was a prequel/sequel I thought it might be continued in the older story, but it doesn't seem to be, at least not in the first two chapters of the older story, I found here.

[Paul_and_Paco]

I thought the story quite good... maybe he acquired and editor around the third chapter.

[dude]

Also enjoying the story but it's worrying that it has not been updated since November

[colinian]

I wouldn't hold my breath.

Colin

[vwl]

After a hiatus of nearly two years, another chapter has appeared: http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/highschool/the-move/the-move-40

I've had to skim back through Chapter 35 to reacquaint myself to the story line and haven't gotten to chapter 40 yet.

[The Pecman]

To me, this novel has way too much conversation about everyday activity, a lot of stuff that could have been greatly condensed and still told the story. I think it could have greatly benefitted from some sharp editing, particularly to get it down in less than 40 chapters. But it's got some good moments.

[Lugnutz]

Actually just started reading this. I'm reading the story and not picking it apart either. I noticed a few typos but it don't detract from it. You read past it and know what the writer meant. I like this one.

[The Pecman]

Actually just started reading this. I'm reading the story and not picking it apart either. I noticed a few typos but it don't detract from it. You read past it and know what the writer meant. I like this one.

Good editing can solve that problem.

[Lugnutz]

Good editing can solve that problem.

Just like every story here. Nothing is perfect. If the author likes it and feels they did a good job, why keep editing it 30 times?

[The Pecman]

Some repetition creeps into the later chapters. The basic story finishes, but after having resolved most of the loose ends, the author then proceeds to develop a new situation with one of the minor characters. I don't want to seem overly critical however, I enjoyed the story, just wish it had a more rounded conclusion.

I have this same problem with a ton of stories out there. It's a structural issue more than a story issue. I also have a big problem with the change in point of view, but that's one of my pet peeves. The guts of the story isn't bad at all.

Just like every story here. Nothing is perfect. If the author likes it and feels they did a good job, why keep editing it 30 times?

Maybe on the 31st try, it would've been better?

There's a little drop-down menu for "Statistics" on Word documents, and I've been pretty surprised by some of the stats I've found on my stories. I found a single chapter (7000 words) that took me 110 hours to write and edit. I'm not saying it's flawless -- it's far from that -- but I had three people go through the story and weed out some mistakes I had missed, and I still found more subtle errors in a subsequent rewrite and reformat.

Changing points of view and not knowing when to end a story are rookie mistakes that a good editor can help writers avoid. Stories like this can be improved if they end after a reasonable climax and denouement, and then start a new story if the author choose to go on. All IMHO, and I mean no disrespect to the author.

[Lugnutz]

All true. You take my first effort at writing and compare it to now is night and day. I've progressed and I have people that help point me in the right direction.

[The Pecman]

All good and necessary. It's nice to see a story where by the latest chapters, the quality of the writing has improved dramatically over the early chapters.

[vwl]

I have to admit that the long hiatus didn't result in a sterling chapter -- in fact, it was disappointing, unlike the current chapter 40 of Joe College, which retained its freshness.

Hoping for better in future chapters.

[dude]

I have to admit that the long hiatus didn't result in a sterling chapter -- in fact, it was disappointing,

Sadly, I agree... but it's been almost a year, so it must be hard to get back into the swing... in all fairness.

[JamesSavik]

Y'all have even gotten me hooked on this darned story.

I find it Interesting- the first story I've ever read that a lead character has been dead for over a year.

The body double thing, same birthday is asking the reader to suspend a lot of disbelief.

I too know how hard it is to jump back into a story after being away from it for so long.

[Lugnutz]

Mid 20 chapters in gave me that short story feeling at CW. Not quite the same, but it's there none the less. I'll find out eventually what happened.

[Lugnutz]

Ok, I'm current now. Now I see where it needs help. The last 3 chapters for the most part were a waste of time.

If you want it easier on the eyes, it's also here. http://iomfats.org/storyshelf/hosted/doug-smith/