Texas Chili

[Guest Dabeagle]

This is another favorite of mine, and the trick is - you have to read it out loud. I can't get through it without laughing. Short story with that - when I used to play World of Warcraft we had a pre-set break time for people to hit the john. (Raids in these games can last a while) So one night, on break, I shared this joke with my guildmates - spoken aloud over the computer. Afterward there was a debate about which was funnier - the joke, or me unable to complete certain bits because I was laughing and had tears they couldn't see running down my cheeks.

TEXAS CHILI

If you can read the whole story without tears
of laugher running down your cheeks, then there's no
hope for you.

NOTE : Please take time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
know how true this is. They actually have a Chili
cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot
at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced
chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from
the East Coast:

Frank : "Recently, I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 ( Frank ) Holy shit, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn
Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
kick. Need more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty,
good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much
of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across
my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
Standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could
use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
Rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit
myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier
than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last
moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good,
balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[Cole Parker]

I rarely laugh out loud to anything I read, but this one got me. I was laughing all the way through. Pretty good!

C

[Lugnutz]

I remember reading this 10 years ago. Still hasn't lost any of it's flavor.

[Merkin]

Fabulous. We actually have a local chili cooking contest every year and send the winner to Texas to compete in that one. Needless to say, it's a one-way ticket.

[colinian]

I started laughing when I read Frank's reaction to being offered the position of Judge #3: "...So I accepted."

Hilarious.

Colin

[The Pecman]

Tears of laughter started coming out of my eyes the moment I read "snorting Drano." This is F'in' funny.

[ChrisR]

I've worked at more than a few of those World Chili Cookoffs and your report is spot on! Very funny and downright real. Our scout unit ran the Buffalo Chip Toss for the young'uns. Figured if the chips made it into the chili nobody would even notice.