Lugnutz

My mind isn't warped enough to come up with something like that. Wibby will say different, but I just grab it from someplace and bring it here for your entertainment.

Nah. It's not by my hand. Right click/copy then paste it here. And elsewhere.

The setting. We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, I woke up one morning with my neighbor's dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbor's yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle. To make sure this never happened again, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, I did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for I think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I didn't unplug it. Now I'm standing there, Ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "Fuck!" I think as I remember I just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest I think "Oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, I'm agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep I realized a few things. 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right). 3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long 8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this) That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and I now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

What about SWG?

Probably.

I think I just wet myself. BTW, I'm with Rick.

A new chapter has just been posted!! I'm off to read. *Edit* After reading it, I like it better when the POV is from Robby and Kenny. It's not a bad chapter, But I don't know what to do with it. *Shrugs*

Add me. I wanna read this too.

Be sure to read this.......it is tooooooo funny!!! If you are at work, be prepared to hold in your laughter!! I'm sure it's not true, but still funny. YOU WILL LAUGH UNTIL IT HURTS! I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Chili.'Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat this stuff, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go Pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand malassplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my Goodness', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem. That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning Moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to re turn. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Stupid management claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Yeah, then you would know if you would get decked or kissed if you said anything to them.

That's why I didn't ask him how my chapters were coming. Some things do take presidence. Or, he just plain forgot.......

So that's where my editor has been hiding. Glad to hear there is forward progress in the Scrolls. Can't wait to see it.

All I can say is, wow! I missed the beginning, then noticed it was now complete so I read it end to end. Thanks Cole, that was your best work yet.

I hear ya. Last year, one of my cats died. That was tough. I had him and his sister for the last 11 years. The lady is still going strong and still yells at me.

I just noticed that Grasshopper has a journal posted on his story page. The first entry is a tearjerker. Grasshopper

Don't give up your day job..............

Promices, promices. I've got that wascally wacoons number now...........

Well, did the raccoon decide to get the myspace? Inquiry minds want to know. Also, where is the poll?

Wibby's fanny hasn't seen action since Reagan was in office. No, farting dosen't count.

Myspace is soo 2 years ago. I agree, it'll work if you're 15, but after that pass. I tried it once years ago when it was getting started and didn't get much from it. Besides, you have other places to blog.

Spark plugs are cool.

Probably in responce to this...... I don't know if I do a female raccoon either..........

I'm glad I have someplace to come and wreak havok on, or just to chat with y'all. Thanks Dude! Wibby, can I get on your "A" list? I have katz.

Not to give anything away, but any guesses who was on the other side of the door in the last scene of the last chapter?