I have a question

[Tanuki Racoon]

(This is serious. No joking in this thread.)

So, since I started posting, I've gotten random emails from readers who really want to meet me. I don't mean the "You are so cool, I just want to meet you to see what an awesome person wrote this" type emails. I mean the MEET type e-mails, you know for drinks and such.

I am not into hook-ups at all. I must be clear on that. I am a ONE PERSON raccoon and it tends to last a long, long, long time. I want my friendships and relationships to be forever.

So, where I'm going is: I've been toying with posting what I look for on my website. Not to attract people but to keep most of these emails away with a "go read this" figuring most of 'em will never come back which would be great. But wouldn't it be neat if maybe one day someone I'm compatible with contacts me? (Yeah, after so many decades, I won't hold my breath.)

Is this a good idea or not? WHY.

[The Pecman]

I'm not so sure. What if the person who posts wants to see what you look like first?

Relationships are a two-way street, after all. And (to continue my cliches riff, but on a different metaphor), you can't always judge a book by its cover. On occasion, I've wound up with very good friends I might not have looked twice at if I were to walk by them on a sidewalk.

[Tanuki Racoon]

I'm not so sure. What if the person who posts wants to see what you look like first?

Relationships are a two-way street, after all. And (to continue my cliches riff, but on a different metaphor), you can't always judge a book by its cover. On occasion, I've wound up with very good friends I might not have looked twice at if I were to walk by them on a sidewalk.

There would be no way for them to post. It'd be on my website somewhere (see original post). I don't give a flying fuck about looks really.

[Trab]

It's nice to see everyone so far is indecisive as hell. The only real downside is if they start to lie to you to make it seem like they ARE your match.

I can't really see a serious downside though. It is all under control, your control, and unless there is some serious kink involved, I cannot see a problem. (Serious = illegal) Another minor downside will be that SOME people will judge you for the 'requirements' you set. I don't think you give a flying fuck about that either.

[Cole Parker]

There have been some classic cases of long-term friendships through the mails. However, I doubt that's what you're looking for. I'd guess you want a flesh and blood person, not an email.

This mitigates against finding such a person by posting what you look like or what you want, simply because you won't get many, or any, responses from people close enough to you that a person-to-person contact on a continuing basis is possible.

But I don't see where it hurts to try, although I get the sense that you're rather a private person. So maybe you'd rather not have hundreds or thousands of people knowing personal details about you. That might be something to think about.

I think rather than fishing in the ether for a compatible soul, you might do better getting out among them. Take a night course at a community college. Join a community service group that has weekly, bi-weekly or monthly meetings. Play bingo. Go to your local roller rink. Join a literary review club. Get a fishing license and go deep sea fishing on a public boat.

Or, start going to the local Laundromat. If you don't meet the right man, or woman if you're bent in that extremely skewed direction, you'll at least get ideas for a new story, and that's even more important.

C

[Trab]

All those suggestions for meeting people are excellent, if you're straight. You can spot that attractive (whatever you think is attractive) person right away, then you only need to figure out how to land them. It's not so easy with us gay guys. You can't even tell who's likely to even be interested, particularly if you don't like flamers or effeminates. Once the obvious are removed, where do you go from there? It is probably more likely that someone on AD who lives in the same region will approach than you finding someone 'at random'.

BTW, Cole made a joke, in contravention of WBMS's instructions.

[DesDownunder]

As an older guy, I am not really trusting of the net to meet a long term companion. I know it happens and I am pleased for those involved that it does.

I should also add I have made what I believe are steadfast and loyal friends on the net, particularly at AD and CW, but friendship is different from finding the right person.

So I ask myself if my attitude would be different if I was, A, Younger, and B, didn't have my own bf.

On both points I have to confess that I would be willing to try and see what the net could do.

I don't get offers in my email. I hardly get email. Now that could be because I have my photo on line, I talk about my bf in posts, or my online persona is a deterrent in itself. Maybe orangutans are not popular.

But, and for me it is a big but, I would be more inclined to go out and give real life situations a chance to generate a friendship which has the potential to grow into something deeper.

But where can you go? How will you know who is attracted to you? etc., etc,. etc.

Also I don't know how visible you can afford to be in your community, Wibby.

I gave up worrying about what people thought of me when I was quite young, but that may not be possible for you, and as you are a private person, you will need to think about how you can give a little of yourself publicly, in order to make friends.

I assume that the 'scene' is not an attractive environment for you, anymore than it is for me.

So I guess I am with Cole's, suggestions, and would add:

Finding a poetry reading group in your city. These groups tend to be very liberal (and spirited) and almost always not homophobic.

Read some gay poetry at the meeting. (Your own poems or other (gay) poets.) Porn poetry, is not a good idea though for a number of reasons.

Join a local arts community. Theatre groups. You don't have to act, most theatre groups cry out for people to help backstage or act as organiser, secretary etc.

Local Humanist, atheist, even some religions have gay clubs, and interests like chess nights and outings. Would you make a good counsellor to troubled souls in the community?

What are your interests, and find out if there is club or organisation for that interest near you.

It will take time and effort, but the rewards are friendship and the chance to meet the right person for you.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best, you deserve it.

[Trab]

I guess I should point out that there are Bears groups in many cities, and while some of them are into strange (and wonderful????) fetish behaviour, many are just gay guys looking for friends or long term relationships with other gay men. Although Bears are generally older and hairy, that is by no means a requirement, as they often say, "bear friendly" is enough. In other words, if you aren't hairy, but you don't mind that others are, you are welcome.

If I lived in the next city over (it is 1.5 hours of driving away) I would visit with the Bears group, at their Friday night coffee in a nice restaurant. At least you know they aren't going to go weird on you if you approach one of them.

[Tanuki Racoon]

All interesting posts.

I must say I am still undecided more because it's fascinating what you all read into my post that's not even there. I dunno what to do.

[Cole Parker]

All those suggestions for meeting people are excellent, if you're straight. You can spot that attractive (whatever you think is attractive) person right away, then you only need to figure out how to land them. It's not so easy with us gay guys. You can't even tell who's likely to even be interested, particularly if you don't like flamers or effeminates. Once the obvious are removed, where do you go from there? It is probably more likely that someone on AD who lives in the same region will approach than you finding someone 'at random'.

BTW, Cole made a joke, in contravention of WBMS's instructions.

Trab, I think you are missing the point just a little. Wibby was indicating a desire to meet someone with whom a relationship would be a possibility. I was suggesting ways to be among people so this might occur. You said making connections with strangers that can lead to relationships is easier for str8s.

Well, duh! Of course it is. But think about this. You're among a group of people. You see a guy in the group you find attractive, or at least interesting. So you find a way to talk to him. On the basis of that conversation, you learn if either or both of you are comfortable with each other, and whether you might like to chat some more. If that's the case, you might talk more the next time you're together, and eventually arrange to meet outside whatever venue you're in.

This is the way friendships begin. And during all this, you get an idea if he's gay or not. But you want a friendship first. At least Wibby does. He said he's not interested in bed hopping, he wants a long term, monogamous relationship, and that starts with getting to know someone and becoming friends.

Sure, it's more difficult for two guys looking for a gay relationship to find each other than it is for two guys only looking to be friends to find each other. But the starting point can be the same. Being among people. And opening your eyes to someone you'd like to meet. I didn't say it wouldn't be easier for str8s do to this. I said it's a place to start.

C

[Trab]

I don't think I said that I disagreed about it being a place to start, only that I think the odds might be better with the posting of expectations (or turn-offs) on a website, so it's more like cutting in at a dance than starting from the very beginning.

Anyway, Wibby's post seems to indicate we are all taking the wrong tack on this. Maybe he really just wants to know whose messages to just ignore, as opposed to having fantasies about the ones who at least match what he's looking for. My brain is all revved up, just thinking about this. Barrooooom, roooooom, roooooom.

[Tanuki Racoon]

only that I think the odds might be better with the posting of expectations (or turn-offs) on a website,

Yeah. I actually wrote it before I asked this question. Bart, that's spot on.

[Cole Parker]

I didn't get that part either, that we're reading into his message something that wasn't there. I reread it a couple of times. I don't see how it could be interpreted any other way: he's horny, he wants to set the bait by flashing his picture out there, but rather realistically realizes his chances diminish dramatically when people learn what he looks like.

I've heard of other people who have that problem, terminal ugliness, but don't have any personal experience with it.

C

[DesDownunder]

I didn't get that part either, that we're reading into his message something that wasn't there. I reread it a couple of times. I don't see how it could be interpreted any other way: he's horny, he wants to set the bait by flashing his picture out there, but rather realistically realizes his chances diminish dramatically when people learn what he looks like.

I've heard of other people who have that problem, terminal ugliness, but don't have any personal experience with it.

C

I see no evidence that Wibby has a terminal ugliness, except in his own opinion and that is very much, not validated. I believe Wibby has an inner beauty far exceeding any apparent physical features. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder as we all know, and it seems to me that Wibby would like to find the friendship of that special person with whom he is compatible; who will behold him in appreciation for who he is.

How to keep the others away is not so easy as they have their own image of who Wibby is; who they want Wibby to be, to serve their own purposes, honorable as they may be.

The point is that possible friends must have access to develop, must not be deterred or seduced by physical characteristics at the expense of that development into a meaningful friendship that becomes something wonderful.

Posting a picture of yourself that looks like Attila the Hun, may well attract other Huns, when in fact that is not what you want. Even worse such a picture may attract those who mistake their pity for friendship.

As I said I don't get offers, or many emails, but I would have thought it is simple enough to politely, decline any invitation not warranting your further interest.

I am also mindful in all of this that Wibby states he is a private person. Therefore I do not think posting his likeness on his website is all that good an idea, and may well be one he would come to wish he had not done.

Such thoughts led to me to encourage the alternative environments for meeting people in addition to Cole's and Trab's suggestions, so that friendships might be fostered and developed away from the Net.

Back in my early days on the Net around 1997 I had real problems with the then gay chat rooms. I enjoyed the repartee in chatting in the main chat room, but I was forever being invited to "private chats" even though I made it clear I was only on for the public chatroom.

One fellow got really angry with me because I refused his advances for online sex. He made no attempt to hide what he wanted, but would not take my refusal as anything other than me playing hard to get. I lost interest in the chatrooms thereafter.

I don't know that any of us can say what you should or should not do Wibby. Posting that you have a partner or are heterosexual or just not interested may keep away the very person you would find compatible, and that would be a shame.

It is this mention of you finding it neat, "if maybe one day someone I'm compatible with contacts me?" that I think has encouraged us to offer advice on meeting people, though I don't think I agree with Cole's idea of being horny as the impetus for your question.

[Tanuki Racoon]

There will be no photos posted.

I think maybe a few of you have seen a photo of me but that's not something I'd post under this identity.

[Cole Parker]

Des, I can't believe you didn't realize I was being entirely comical with that post!

Come on!

C

[Lugnutz]

I wanted to put something down, but I'm drawing a friggin blank. I don't have the problem with readers wanting to hang out with me or anything else for that matter. Just don't lock yourself into a certain type of person, computer geek, artsy guy, flamboyant type or whatever you have on the want list because they might well be a twit or someone who you can't deal with in any form.

Personally, I would like someone who is completely different than I am. Cars? Just transportation, nice car bits? Why? There will be common ground with the other if there is enough time spent with them.

What was the question again?

Just do what you're comfortable with.

[Rad]

Yes I think it's a good move.

If you post what you look like, and you're not a male model or gay porn star ( )

Then those who want to know you are:

a. don't care at all about how you look like, just wanna be friends

b. do care and they think your good looking

So yeah, that's why I think you should post it.

Most vote for Not Sure. But I say, give it a chance...

After all they already wrote you...so why not?

Just my $0.02