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Naiilo

Ars Moriendi

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First of all, it's a good poem. The critiques I'm going to make are all pretty picayune, and only in the nature of fine tuning--the broad strokes are all there.

1.) put a comma at the end of the first line--it enhances the feeling of parallel structure.

2.) delete 'slightly' from the second line--it scans better without it.

3.)line 4 would read better as 'pale skin bleached by the passage of years.' because it provides an assortment of sonic devices, both assonance and alliteration within the line and with the next line.

4.) In line six, "Weakened body against the strong back of a lounger." would give you a nice sense of contrast.

5.)In lines 8 and 9, you set up a parallel structure, and then you abandon it in line 10. Is this deliberate? if not, perhaps "A murmur of final words." would be better...it completes the parallel structure, and it flows nicely from 'Another sigh of warning.' And you have the repeated 'ur' sounds in 'murmur' and 'words.'

so that's my critique, with the proviso and reminder that this is all just my opinion.

cheers!

aj

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I'm a firm believer that your work only has to satisfy one person...you. I would much prefer a discussion of the meaning of a work than critique another's labor.

I think this is a great example of a written version of the ars moriendi art style.

Codey

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Because AJ forced me to count lines (damn his eyes!), I'll add my penninsky (?) pence. I agree about (1), think (2) would be good but is ok w/o the change, but for (3), that means something entirely different AND gives a different image-the one Der Nail has combines skin glowing outward with knowledge/years AND showing up as in showing us the effects of years, so I cannot agree with AJ. (4) was utterly weird to me, I only realized you meant an article of furniture after several reads, I am not sure 'lounger' is a good choice for your image here, nor see any need for furniture references at all, frankly and (5) I get what AJ means here but I also think breaking up patterns has uses...like when you stick in a punchline that differs mightily from the main text...for effect. Bells ringing, Naillo?

I agree flatout with DJ, RusticMonk and Codeyspen. :twisted:

Now listen, I don't pretend to be the sweet one around here but have you offered enough (constructive) criticism to be able to demand in several posts that we supply you with same? I'm just thinking here of some of your posting patterns, you know, that thing you said not to mention. Well, I'm mentioning it. I think you should be glad for this response thread, most of the stuff I post here gets ziltch and took a lot more time than a poem. I complain now and then, sometimes noisily, but that's how it is. A little quid'll get you more quo. Of course, they also compare honey and vinegar in regards to flies but since when do I listen to 'they'? Ok, that's my contribution, flyboy.:twisted:

Kisses cast like pearls....

TR

First of all, it's a good poem. The critiques I'm going to make are all pretty picayune, and only in the nature of fine tuning--the broad strokes are all there.

1.) put a comma at the end of the first line--it enhances the feeling of parallel structure.

2.) delete 'slightly' from the second line--it scans better without it.

3.)line 4 would read better as 'pale skin bleached by the passage of years.' because it provides an assortment of sonic devices, both assonance and alliteration within the line and with the next line.

4.) In line six, "Weakened body against the strong back of a lounger." would give you a nice sense of contrast.

5.)In lines 8 and 9, you set up a parallel structure, and then you abandon it in line 10. Is this deliberate? if not, perhaps "A murmur of final words." would be better...it completes the parallel structure, and it flows nicely from 'Another sigh of warning.' And you have the repeated 'ur' sounds in 'murmur' and 'words.'

so that's my critique, with the proviso and reminder that this is all just my opinion.

cheers!

aj

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I'm a firm believer that your work only has to satisfy one person...you. I would much prefer a discussion of the meaning of a work than critique another's labor.

I think this is a great example of a written version of the ars moriendi art style.

Codey

Although I hate to admit it, TR is right about my posting patterns. Though I do think that requesting criticism of a poem is different than expecting it, just for posting (*crosses fingers that his horrible grasp of english doesn't cause offense)*. TR, if you'd like I will critique your poems more often. Things considered, I didn't think anyone wanted a whole lot of my criticism, constructive, or not.

I believe criticism, more than comments (thanks though, they are nice comments, to those that gave them), is beneficial. It lets me know if I did good or bad. I don't worry about syntax, or diction, or rhetoric, or recitation value when I get comments, no matter how much I appreciate them. That is why criticism is so important to me, and also why I requested it here, and I believe elsewhere.

Codey: I write for myself, but part of becoming a better writer is finding my own weaknesses. It's just like with any skill, one must hone it. As far as discussion of the meanign of the poem is considered, it is simple: This poem is the first thing I thought of when I heard the phrase Ars Moriendi. It describes the dramatized death of an individual that knows his/her time is now.

James: You know, I still haven't finished Dorian Gray yet. I'm a little more than 0.75 of the whole way through.

-Naillo

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In spite of the fact that one's work must only be satisfactory to oneself, there is also such a thing as revising work after receiving criticism and using it to re-evaluate the work and, in some cases, improve it--thus making it more satisfactory to both the person who wrote it and the people who read it. In this particular case, the author asked very specifically for criticism, and that is why i provided the comments that I did. You have not in the past, nor will you see any time in the future, an instance of such a close reading and critique of a poem from me w/o having been asked to do so.

No work is golden. Any literary work can (and should!) receive criticism, and it is the author's choice to revise or not.

cheers!

aj

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In spite of the fact that one's work must only be satisfactory to oneself, there is also such a thing as revising work after receiving criticism and using it to re-evaluate the work and, in some cases, improve it--thus making it more satisfactory to both the person who wrote it and the people who read it. In this particular case, the author asked very specifically for criticism, and that is why i provided the comments that I did. You have not in the past, nor will you see any time in the future, an instance of such a close reading and critique of a poem from me w/o having been asked to do so.

No work is golden. Any literary work can (and should!) receive criticism, and it is the author's choice to revise or not.

cheers!

aj

I do revise and edit my own, but as most of us know, revision of one's own work still can leave many mistakes. I won't have time to revise anything I'm working on right now until Monday, or Tuesday, because I am in the delightful process of moving. It's really kind of sad because there are some still lifes that I would like to work on, but can't because they will be altered to my dissatisfaction if I move them. ::Sigh::

-Naiilo

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