Bruin Fisher

Daily Telegraph report Ben and Jerry a big disappointment to Wetlands Centre staff.

My idyllic childhood was cut short at the age of ten when I was sent away to boarding school. It wasn't a great school and I was not happy there. I didn't have much of a relationship with my father but I loved my mother dearly and couldn't square my understanding of her love for me with the fact that she'd sent me away. I began to fall behind other boys my age in growth and emotional development. When I was thirteen I had to change school and by then I was noticeably small for my age at four feet eleven inches, and immature. And soon after arriving at the new school I was the victim of an awkward attempt at abuse by a teacher. I reported it to my father and to the headmaster, and neither of them responded in the way I needed them to. I needed a knight in shining armour to defend my honour, I got an embarrassed suggestion that maybe it could all be kept quiet. Looking back I realise I was more hurt by being let down by the authority figures I went to, than by the abuse itself ? which didn't get very far before I worked out what was happening and ran away. To compound the problem the story leaked and I became the target of older boys who thought I would be easy prey, either for physical, or sexual abuse. So for the next five years I endured a very unpleasant school life. At the age of seventeen I encountered religion, which had a big influence on me and affected my situation in a big way, both positively and negatively. I began to believe there could be purpose to my life, I began to develop glimmerings of self-worth ? and amazingly I began to grow. I was still four feet eleven inches at seventeen, but over the next five years I grew another eleven inches. And I began to mature emotionally too. I could have known I was gay as young as eleven when I had a short-lived crush on a boy my age. And I knew I had a major curiosity about boys' bits, but I didn't know if all boys felt that way. And there were other, higher priority issues to deal with ? like survival. So when my newly-acquired religion told me that homosexuality was bad I accepted it, full of confidence that if it was bad and if I wanted not to be homosexual badly enough, if I had enough faith, I could be heterosexual. Or at least not homosexual. I tried. I really tried. And when I failed I knew it was because I wasn't trying hard enough, or I didn't have enough faith. So I tried again. I kept myself too busy to stop and analyse. I volunteered for charity work and became heavily involved in various projects. And I kept that up for nearly thirty years. I know, it's pathetic, isn't it? About three and a half years ago, some members of a committee I served on (more charity work) maliciously tried to have me removed as unfit. It was all investigated thoroughly and slowly and the accusations were shown to be groundless but I was exonerated with a bad grace. It sounded like 'You're innocent ? but don't do it again!' I should have put it behind me and got on with my life but I found I couldn't. I had a breakdown and went to therapy sessions where I worked out that the reason I couldn't get over the way I was treated by the committee linked back to feeling let down by my father and headmaster all those years earlier. I finally decided to be honest with myself about all that ? including my sexuality. For the first time, at nearly fifty years of age, I admitted to myself ? I am gay. Since then I've had to rebuild my self-image and I've been enjoying the journey. I'm not quite the person I always thought I was but it's fun finding out who I am. Writing has been a big part of that for me. I've missed out on so much, and it's too late to go back for most of it, but I can write stories, and live some of the missing bits vicariously through writing. I'm happier than I used to be, but there'll always be a sense of loss ? the wasted years, the missed opportunities, the cage I built for myself. There, I got it out. I'll try never to be self-pitying again. Sorry to trouble you all with it!

This is the most intense thread I have ever read on the internet or anywhere else. I am deeply affected by the posts I've read here; I'm in awe of the sheer courage and honesty displayed by the contributors. In particular EleCivil's post resonates with me - my hat is off to you, man. You say about your interaction with other people: and I will not disbelieve you, But your writing stands witness for you that you can understand people - and more than that, you can write down their lives so convincingly that you hold your audience captive, involved and caring for your characters. That's a great talent and says a lot for your understanding of human nature. I'm glad you're happy. Be happy. And be yourself. The EleCivil we know from AD is lovable and full of infectious wit and sparkly prose. Don't ever change, man! Now, I'm psyching myself up to post my own contribution, revealing myself stripped bare naked. And I'm not sure if I'm brave enough. So you might read a further post from me on this thread, you might not.

Ugh. Groo Og gug huggug hoog goo grug huggle gug gug. Uggle gug, go hoggi ug uggle gug. Gruggle?

Only one county lies between me and Cornwall so I guess I'm the 'reporter on the scene'. However sadly I can't contribute anything authoritative to this discussion. There are problems with some of the police forces in Britain. The Metropolitan Police, for instance (London) have acknowledged continuing and institutional racism, which I find shocking in 2009. To the best of my knowledge, however, homophobia in the Cornwall Constabulary has not been reported on by the press, and neither have I heard about it from any other source than the vociferous few who are lobbying via YouTube. That's not to say they're wrong, of course, but we have to allow that they might not be unbiased. There are laws forbidding prejudice on grounds of sexuality and Britain is not a federation. All English law applies to all English counties - and Wales, although there are some minor differences in Scotland. Cornwall does have a certain spirit of independence, the ancient Cornish language, for instance, is being kept alive by a small enthusiastic group. And I've noticed myself that there is an attitude there that 'we're too far from London for them to notice what goes on down here - so we can just do as we please'. It shows up among some regarding traffic laws, and among some regarding tax law. In my experience most residents are thoroughly law-abiding and upright citizens. Of course Cornwall's economy is heavily based on tourism and during the summer months about three quarters of the population there are tourists, just visiting. I wish there was something more concrete I could contribute!

Wistful, pensive, and thoughtful in the sense that it makes the reader consider the lifestyle choices he makes and the vanity of much of what we do (in the sense of being 'in vain'). A lovely flash, quite different from what I was expecting - which is just what I should expect from Des!

Thanks guys, I'm very glad you liked the story. My characters inherit their needs from their creator...

I enjoy writing. At least, when I'm not actually writing, I enjoy writing. If you know what I mean. When I'm sat staring blankly at the screen I don't always enjoy it quite so much. In fact it can be agony. Certainly the way real life can get in the way and interrupt the writing process is a real bummer sometimes. And the way I start a new story and ten pages in I flounder and it gets put on the shelf for months, nagging at me from there, until I return to it and try to pick up the strands again. And somehow it's always more difficult completing it...

I admit that I have a lot of trouble coming up with names for characters in my stories. My usual rule is never to use the name of any real person who bears any similarity to the character, but I know I've fallen down on that quite a lot - and I've even used my own name. I regret that now - bad idea - but it's too late, the story's out there!

Phew. We can breathe again. Camy with us, just as he is, for the long haul.

"There I've admitted it: I'm a tit."Huh? Suddenly I'm not interested any more...Sorry, Camy, you're not a ... one of those. Not by a long shot and not without GRS. It was a good resolution but perhaps counter-productive as it turned out. So, it was just a resolution, ditch it! Now, buying a rubbish printer with poor driver support just because it's cheap, that would qualify you - but not ditching a self-imposed resolution. No way. No. Not at all.

And absolutely wonderful piece of writing, Richard, very cleverly written. I love the way the spider is a metaphor for Terry's position. A simply superb Flash. Thanks for posting it! Bruin

I too found these photos attractive and heart-warming. However, I hesitate to draw any conclusions about the sexuality of the sitters from the photos (of course, some of them might have been brothers!). Before the trial of Oscar Wilde, male heterosexual friendships in the western world were apparently much more tactile than they are now, and in some parts of the world that were not affected by the Wilde trial they still are. In many Arab countries and in parts of Africa, for instance, men still walk around the streets holding hands and it means nothing more than companionship. I have an acquaintance I saw a lot of twenty-five years ago, and since then he and his wife have lived in West Africa. Recently on a vacation back in England, he and I drove into town to do a little shopping, and when we left the car to walk to the shop he automatically grabbed and held my hand as we walked. It was a wierd experience for me but it would have been wierd for him not to do so. In my view the lack of physical contact in a typical heterosexual male friendship is an indicator of the repression ingrained in western society now, and it's very unhealthy. It's notable that female friends are still comfortable touching each other. If you haven't seen it, it's worth checking out the Free Hugs Campaign here. Hug a man today!

Wonderful. Just a few short paragraphs and a whole picture, peopled with characters and their relationship comes into being in the mind. Quite splendid and erudite too! The genius of Camy triumphs again!

I loved this, Cole. I would like to say it took me back to my early youth when I bought condoms at the supermarket. But the truth is I would never have had the brass neck to queue with condoms in my basket. I'd have been buying them at school at inflated prices (!) from Richard Norway, if I'd needed any, which I didn't...

Sadly Grasshopper has still not posted any further chapter, at least not at IOMFATS, and I'm not aware that he posts anywhere else. It must have been a nasty injury and I very much hope he has recovered fully, and at some point will feel his muse tugging at his shirt tail...

I just read it, and I'm so glad I did. Thanks for the recommendation. It's a great, heart-warming story, right up my street. I don't know whether I've read anything else by Drew Hunt, or where I would find it. I was slightly surprised this story was at Nifty - it has much more story and much less sex than the usual fare there, another reason why I enjoyed it so much. Go read, folks, it's heartily recommended.

Welcome back, mate, can I have a puff?

Now, just where does the punctuation belong in that? He eats, roots, and leaves, just like me? So you're both one-night-stand merchants?

Don't beat yourself up for feeling anger, that's a natural part of grieving, maybe even a necessary part. And thanks for posting to let us know what's up - not, maybe, an easy thing to do. Doing that, if nothing else, makes you one of the good guys. I hope you come through this in due course and hope to see you back with us as soon as. Best wishes Bruin

I'm sorry, James, I think I must have missed it. I gather you're working on a story and you posted an excerpt, hoping for comments? I don't remember reading that, and I do generally reply when there's a request from an author for feedback. I just did a quick scan of the 'Writer's Workshop' and I can't find your post. Where is it? Don't give up writing because you're disappointed in this. Forgive me for saying so, but you're over-reacting, perhaps because you're upset. You may feel differently when the dust settles. Let me know where your excerpt is and I'll certainly give you my comments for what they're worth! Bruin with the very best of wishes for your future writing.

I couldn't of (perspicacitively) said it, better, you've hit the nail on the bull's eye. We're in a directionally forward facing situation here and the only way is up.

Garn! Rules are only fun if you break them! Lovely, Cole, thanks for the giggle.

Splendid poem, Cole! I love the form. and Razor-sharp observation, Trab! This news report is just crying out for comment.

You're welcome, Des. It was, after all, your post that inspired me!